Eye Contact

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For about as long as I can remember, I've avoided eye contact with people. Not just with strangers (although, that is when I feel most uncomfortable) but with close friends and family as well. Whenever I do make eye contact with somebody, I get this horrible, uncomfortable feeling. Every muscle tenses up and it feels like I get this electric shock going down my back. To make matters worse, my mom doesn't seem to understand. I've only been recently diagnosed officially with AS, and I don't know if she either doesn't want to believe it, or she just truly does not understand my condition.

I've been berated by people in the past for not looking them in the eyes (and I feel like a jerk afterwards) but she does it constantly, often forcing me to make eye contact with her. I actually have a technique for preventing people from noticing, and that is to either look at their mouths or something off in the distance next to where their eyes would be. Sometimes people notice, but usually they don't. The whole point of me posting this is ask a few questions. As a new user here, I'm hoping to get some advice from fellow Aspies

1. Do you get any weird feelings from eye contact? Are there certain people you find it easier with? Do you have a similar feeling to me?
2. How can I get my mom to understand how I feel? Because I'm at a loss.
3. Do you have your own techniques/tricks to fool people into thinking you're actually looking at them?

Q: Do you get any weird feelings from eye contact?
A: Yes, pretty much the same feelings you described.

Q: Are there certain people you find it easier with?
A: No. The only exception I've experienced is conditional and limited to a certain romantic act.

Q: Do you have a similar feeling to me?
A: Yes, I can strongly relate.

Q: How can I get my mom to understand how I feel?
A: You can't do much more than trying to explain.

Q: Do you have your own techniques/tricks to fool people into thinking you're actually looking at them?
A: The only thing I can think of is by wearing sunglasses. At least they wouldn't know that you are not looking.

"Eye" totally understand...sincerely; I really do.

I'm 38 and just have never been able to look into others' eyes (for more than, like, two seconds). I thought your description of a "zing" going down your spine and tense muscles was "spot on"!

I don't undetstand it, either, man.

Sorry.

In college (grad school), I can remember dreading public-speaking classes and presentations. One time, I gave a very detailed, insightful speech (on a scientific book I knew well). The teacher knew the author and was very impressed (he made lots of relative comments -- to the class -- as I spoke). The problem, though, was my eye contact with the audience. As I spoke, I noticed many audience members rolling their eyes at each other and giggling (most were female) to each other (not very discreetly). It really suprised, distracted and confused me (as I spoke). Come to find out, when I went into the teacher's office ,afterwards, to ask why the audience sorta "turned one me" (tuned out), he said, "Don't worry about them. You tried hard and did a great job." But, when I pressed him, he admitted, "It was your eye contact (or lack thereof)(that they were laughing at)". And, there have been other times when ppl have tried to discreetly roll their eyes (at each other) as I've spoken to them, and I think my lack of eye contact (along with staying on one topic too long) was one of the big reasons. My mother has ALSO mentioned my lack of eye contact and has ASKED me, before we go places together -- or before I hafta go to a meeting, to TRY to do better with it. Even with my best friends, though, my eye contact is absolutely terrible, but my good friends never mention it.

I don't think your mom understands how difficult it is (or CAN understand, even). I would hate it if someone demanded my eye contact.

Good luck, man!!



Ps, btw, I see your profile says you're into chess. Me too...everyday. And I see you're into music. Me too. TOTALLY. (Drums especially, but I take guitar lessons and am interested in vocal and even dancing.). And your thing says you like anime. Well, I love animated shows and graphic novels. I love adventure time.

Anyway, good luck...

sincerely,

"Wil"

Last edited by WilFindUndrstndng on 26 Jul 2014, 1:38 am, edited 1 time in total.

To me, locking pupils with another person feel like standing in the ocean and having a title wave come crashing down on your face. it's horribly noisy and disorientating. I just don't see how anyone can enjoy doing that and demand it from others.

1. Yes. When I look people in the eyes I feel really nervous. Like, I might explode if I look too long.

2. I can look my best friend in the eyes. It makes me nervous, but also kind of warm and fuzzy.

3. Does your mom know you have aspergers? Having trouble maintaining eye contact is a classic symptom (as is not knowing when to break eye contact, interestingly).


One thing that works for me, is you can glance at people's noses everyone so often during conversation. They generally don't notice. Also, on a side note, many animals will not look each other in the eye because it's a sign of aggression. Both dogs and cats do this to initiate a fight.

I relate to this strongly although I did manage to get better about eye contact as the years went by. It was at its worst though in high school -- I totally had that horrible "zing" feeling if I tried to look at someone's eyes directly. I vividly remember feeling tortured as to why; I had no idea why I had that reaction and other people seemingly did not.

I did feel it with my family too. I have one particular memory of sitting at the dinner table, I had said something that pissed everyone off all around the table, and I remember all these blue eyes staring at me, and it was like a thousand knives -- one set of eyes at that time was painful enough to me.

Somehow over the years I managed to force myself to look people in the eye and get better about the discomfort. I read a lot about what "normal" eye contact is, for example, how many seconds people usually look at eyes and then look away in a conversation, as psychologists say there is a "normal" pattern that most people unconsciously use when talking to each other, with a certain percentage of time they spend in eye contact and a certain amount of "normal" looking elsewhere. I tried to learn the so-called "normal" percentages and practice them.

I still am not crazy about making eye contact, but it is better than it was when I was younger, and with a very close friend it's almost okay.

I agree with the person who suggested looking at someone's nose -- maybe focus on the bridge of the nose between the eyes. Also perhaps google for human behavior websites that talk about what kind of eye contact is usually made by most people, and you will probably find that info about how many seconds many people do in fact look away then look back again. It sounds very mechanical but it may help.



.

1. Do you get any weird feelings from eye contact?
When I look people in the eye I feel a hot flash in my brain and also a lot of pressure. I feel really threatened by the person. Like a fight-or-flight situation.

2. Are there certain people you find it easier with?
People I'm more comfortable with - so basically my mom and best friend. It's also easier when the other person makes an effort not to stare at me and try to get me to look into their eyes - that feels so intrusive.

3. How can I get my mom to understand how I feel? Because I'm at a loss.
Try explaining to her how it causes you pain and discomfort. Find a couple articles on the subject to make some additional points?

4. Do you have your own techniques/tricks to fool people into thinking you're actually looking at them?
No. I'm still in high school, so I don't even try. I really don't give a damn about how uncomfortable I'm making people. I'm not risking a meltdown or shutdown for the comfort of others. I suppose that will have to change sooner or later if I want to get a job though...

That sounds like very good advice, "BirdInFlight". Maybe there's hope for me

Same here!

i hate anything touching my eyes. even the gaze of another persons attention.

i do not see what is able to be gleaned from looking at people's eyes. once i have seen what a persons eyes look like, then i commit it to memory and since my memory is so good, i never need to look at those eyes again.
eyes do not change shape or color. they are static. therefore it is not necessary to look at them for long before they are committed automatically to a static memory.

eyes are just "seeing organs" (even though one is never sure what is seen by them).

I probably was 50% there by my late 20's. I can't really explain any particular technique or how or why I could go more than the first two to three decades of my life without much eye contact and then develop it to such a point that it now feels and looks natural. I honestly don't know. But, I will say that once I got it down and once it looked and felt natural for me - it did go a long, long way in helping my relationships with other people especially in the work situation.

I can relate to this. I work in retail so I have to make eye contact. One thing I do is look at noses and eyebrows. Sometimes it works well... But not always.

I totally understand how it is. Good luck mate. With practice you will get better if you try some of my secret techniques.

I have to force myself to keep eyecontact. It gets easier the more you force it, for me anyway.

When I was a kid I could not make good eyecontact. It felt horrible.

1. Do you get any weird feelings from eye contact? Are there certain people you find it easier with? Do you have a similar feeling to me?
A: When it is a pretty girl I get a weird feeling but I think that is normal. In the past I have had the same weird tension all over my body as you have had. Not a nice feeling. People with disabilities or people that look different I find easier to look right in the eyes.
2. How can I get my mom to understand how I feel? Because I'm at a loss.
A: Your mom seems very forceful and that does not work like that. You need to want it and you need to enforce yourself. If someone forces you to do something that instinctively feels wrong, that can lead to the wrong results. They have tried to force me as well and it just got worse and worse but when I started forcing and wanting it myself it worked like a charm.
3. Do you have your own techniques/tricks to fool people into thinking you're actually looking at them?
A: No, I had them in them past though. I acted like I was thinking of what to say and looked elsewhere. Also, I mostly looked at the lips.

Try looking someone really in both the eyes. That is so weird. It's like you have to cross your eyes. It's not possible to look in both the eyes at the same time I believe. Nice experiment to feel weird. You can try it in front of the mirror with yourself.

I avoid eye contact, but make brief (one or two seconds) eye contact to: 1) let the other person(s) know that I am attentive, and 2) determine if the other person(s) are attentive to my replies. If I extend my gaze beyond these brief moments, I end up not remembering the details of what they have said. Plus, it makes me nervous. I don't know if you have the same detail-memory loss that eye contact causes me, but, if you do, that should be explained to others if they ask. "I'm sorry, but I can remember what you are saying better if I look away sometimes." I have never needed to explain why.

Excellent point!
(Me too!)

If I start to look directly in the eye, I soon start to feel as if I saw nothing but that eyeball, which is strange. (Also, that means that even if I could get some information from the face expression, I can't from an eyeball.)

Looking at someone's face in general doesn't bother me, though it doesn't always come to my mind either; and that's probably indistinguishable from looking at the eye, at least from a distance.

I find it strange that people berate you for it; to me only my mother noted it, and not beratingly either.