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ElsaFlowers
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23 Aug 2014, 5:25 am

KezC wrote:
Regarding CVs, a certain amount of fudging is expected and OK, but that is different from an outright lie. It's a matter of presenting the truth in the most flattering light. So if you worked December to January in one job, lost the job, then found another one in May, you'd put
2013 - 2014 abc company (sounds like you were there for the better part of 2 years but doesn't actually say this)
2014 xyz company
If you have had 50 jobs, you could condense them by grouping several together under position headlines:
2012 - customer service operator
List of skills used
(abc company, xyz company, lmn company).
Not lying, but de-emphasizing the number of jobs.
Leaving out jobs that didn't last more than a month or two and don't add any more skills to your list is fine too.
And periods of unemployment that can't be fudged over can be described as family commitments, sabatticals, rounding your education through travel and volunteer work, whatever you want as long as it is technically true.


Originally when I started looking I was doing some of these things and my CV was closer to the truth but I wasn't getting any interviews. The agencies ignored me and I was told that this is because I had a 10 year gap in employment due to depression and not being able to cope with the demands employment brought. It's so difficult to find work now and it seems to me employers want some kind of superhuman. I applied for approximately 200 - 300 jobs since I enhanced my CV and out of that I only got 16 interviews when my CV makes me sound amazing! It wasn't like this 20 years ago when I was job hunting, it was much easier then. I'm not totally comfortable with lying on my CV but needs must and if I hadn't done this to get a job I likely would have lost my house and I can't deal with that on top of all the other problems and stress I'm dealing with now. I know there will still be people who will judge me badly for lying even after reading my reasons but I don't really care. I did what I felt I had to do.



LyraLuthTinu
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23 Aug 2014, 4:25 pm

KezC wrote:
I find it extremely difficult to tell a straight-out lie, even to the point where I can't actually say "fine" when asked how I am, even though it know this isn't a real question, and that they don't actually care. I will say "fine thanks" or "good thanks" if I'm feeling OK, but if I feel terrible I will say "Not too bad" (as in, not so bad that I'm dead) or just ask how the other person is instead.

I actually hate "How are you" as a greeting. Why can't we just say "I see you" or "I'll talk to you" which is pretty much what it means.


I know what you mean--I can say the words of a lie but my non-verbal cues always give it away. Plus I don't like the way lying makes me feel so I hardly ever do it. Instead of "not too bad" I sometimes say "I can't complain" because if you make a rule to not complain because you shouldn't you can say that without lying. I can't complain, because I'd be breaking one of my own unwritten rules for relating to NT's.

Quote:
Another pet hate of mine is when I go to pay for my groceries, and the checkout person asks "What are you doing today?". I know it's just a script they have to use in order to appear friendly, and that they don't give a proverbial what I'm doing, but I feel strangely compelled to answer, and then get uncomfortable because I don't really feel like discussing my day, especially if it's going badly. On the other hand, I don't want to respond with "None of your business" (unnecessarily rude) or "I'd rather not say" (weird and slightly suspicious sounding). I can see that a little lie would be useful in this situation, but I can't make myself do it.


Do they do that at grocery stores where you live? Eep, that would feel like an invasion of privacy to me. Maybe just shrug your shoulders and say, "eh, just stuff. nothing special" and the attempt at conversing would die?

Quote:
I also honestly believe that the world would be a better place if there were no lies.


I agree. :D

Quote:
I don't agree with Brad Blanton's version of 'radical honesty'. He thinks you ought to say whatever comes into your head, including things that will be hurtful to yourself and others. I'm quite comfortable with not mentioning things that I can see aren't going to be helpful, but I don't see any value in saying things that aren't true, even if they might be helpful. For example, you ask me whether I like your new shirt but I think it's hideous. I'm not going to say it's hideous, but I'm also not going to say "OMG it's gorgeous, I love it". I'll probably say something like "Wow, that's bright", or if you insist on knowing whether I like it I'd say "It's not my fave, but who cares as long as you enjoy it".


Haven't heard of Brad Blanton, but I think my son must be a disciple of his. He has an in-your-face tell-it-like-it-is level of blunt honesty that puts mine to shame, because I do at least try not to actively insult people that are not deliberately hurting me. For clothes I do something similar to what you're describing--not my style but it works for you!

Quote:
People give all kinds of reasons why 'white lies' are good and necessary, but I haven't seen many examples I can relate to. . . . People claim that 'white lies' are told to avoid hurting the other person's feelings, but I think that most 'white lies' are actually told because the liar wants to avoid the momentary discomfort that comes from being scrupulously honest.


I think that's only part of it--I guess because of the emotional reciprocity and mirror neuron thing that NT's have, it also could make an NT uncomfortable to realize that they hurt your feelings. I don't quite feel that way--to me it's more uncomfortable to say something that I know isn't true than to deliver a small dose of hurt feelings. But I don't understand being unable to move on from a quick "I didn't know that would upset you" and hanging onto it after an apology has been made. I'm not trying to upset you by having a :( face within your line of sight. Please be responsible for your own feelings instead of absorbing mine and then blaming me for ruining your mood when the thing I was frowning about has nothing to do with you!

It seems to me that NT's want everybody around them to lie with their faces. To smile, no matter how we actually feel. To be at worst pleasantly neutral.

Sorry, but that's really hard for me when there are a hundred unpleasant sensations coming in that I have to filter out just to keep functioning. Adding "just keep smiling, just keep smiling, just keep smiling smiling smiling" on top of that literally drives me crazy. Especially when the very person who wants me to smile doesn't even make the effort to look at me, notice my smile and smile back!

Quote:
Regarding CVs, a certain amount of fudging is expected and OK, but that is different from an outright lie. It's a matter of presenting the truth in the most flattering light. So if you worked December to January in one job, lost the job, then found another one in May, you'd put
2013 - 2014 abc company (sounds like you were there for the better part of 2 years but doesn't actually say this)
2014 xyz company
If you have had 50 jobs, you could condense them by grouping several together under position headlines:
2012 - customer service operator
List of skills used
(abc company, xyz company, lmn company).
Not lying, but de-emphasizing the number of jobs.
Leaving out jobs that didn't last more than a month or two and don't add any more skills to your list is fine too.
And periods of unemployment that can't be fudged over can be described as family commitments, sabatticals, rounding your education through travel and volunteer work, whatever you want as long as it is technically true.


I try not to pad my resume too much and I would not put an outright lie on it. But I do try to keep it in the most favorable light possible. I don't have as many failed jobs as ElsaFlowers is describing either, though; that sounds really tough to overcome. :(

I actually lost a shot at a really good job because I couldn't make it to the interview. I didn't want to lie to my employer about why I needed the day of the interview off, and once I'd told them that I wanted it off to take an interview I couldn't exactly call in sick (lying about being sick) after that. But it seems people tell this kind of lie (fake sick days) all the time.


_________________
Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 141 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 71 of 200
You are very likely neurodiverse (Aspie)
Official diagnosis: Austism Spectrum Disorder Level One, without learning disability, without speech/language delay; Requiring Support


Lukeda420
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24 Aug 2014, 10:37 am

Raleigh wrote:
I lie all the time.

When people ask, "how are you?" I say "fine". LIE. I'm not fine.
When people ask, "Do you want to go out for coffee?" I say "I'd love to." LIE. I know I'm going to hate it.
When the boss says, "Can you replace Suzie today?" I say "sure." LIE. There's no way I can be anything like Suzie.
When people ask, "How's your mother?" I say "good." LIE. My mother is not good in any way.

People don't really want to hear the truth, and sometimes it's too exhausting to tell it.

These are the lies your typically expected to make. I lie in this way a lot as well but it still makes me uncomfortable. A user Greentea made a post about NT speaking to communicate emotion and status as opposed to information. Those kinds of questions are a good example of that as they're not really asking for the literal answer.

Now I absolutely hate it when people exaggerate or embellish their stories. I've learned a lot of the time it's best to try to let it go but sometimes I can't help but correct the stories when I know their false.