The most complicated relationship I have ever been in.

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Yes, sexual frustration is definitely not an issue. Our age is one obvious reason, and also, like I've mentioned before, she's a religious Jain--so there are vows of celibacy and such in place. My asexuality has come up in conversation before, so we are both on the same page: neither of us will ever be interested in recreational sex at any point in our lives.

It's the atheism, right? It's all right, I understand. Jainism also promotes multiplicity of ideology, however, so she has acknowledged to me that inter-cultural relationships are not discouraged in her community.



It's funny that you mention that, because I have considered her parents as being the cause of this. I only met them briefly, but they seemed to be generally friendly. There was never any need for them to be particularly involved in our friendship because that's what we always remained: friends. We never went anywhere alone; whenever we hung out it was always after school, at school, be it participating in one of our clubs or studying (if you can call it studying it lol) as a group in the IB Study Room. We're very academically oriented people.

However, if her parents did one day decide to read her Skype chats, then I can picture the red alarms going off. Like I said, our conversations did tend to have a romantic and almost emotionally intimate light, and it would be difficult for her to explain them. Also, I don't think she has ever been in a relationship before, so if her parents did see our conversations, then they would have every reason to freak out. Not necessarily because they're afraid of me specifically, but because they don't know how to handle their religious only child having those sorts of communications with someone they've only met once. I can empathize if that's the case, definitely.

It's a possibility, but not in any sense likely. She and I had been talking electronically for months before she deleted me. I'd think that if her parents were careful about monitoring her conversations, they'd do it more often than that. And what are the odds that the day they picked to do it just happened to be right after I left the country? Still, it is possible, and I'm open to any possibility until I have more information. If it turns out that her parents are the cause, then I'm going to back away immediately. I don't want to get between her and her family, and her parents have every right to make decisions that concern her well-being. I'd also feel better knowing that she didn't end it because of my own inferiority, but because of familial pressures. I just think it's much more probable that she made the choice on her own--and I recognize that it is her choice, something I told her in the letter I sent her.

Ooooookay?

There is yet another possibility, and I hadn't thought of this one because I've become totally out of touch with dating in the texting age. And I feel really stupid for not seeing this before?

As best I can tell, you are just dealing with a fader. It's a film term, basically means a quick cut from one scene to another, or a "fade." You know you're getting faded when you send texts and they don't get returned. It's a piss-poor way to "break up" or shut a friend out, but ask yourself this: Would you rather someone just stop talking to you, or if someone were to explain they say "You're stupid and you smell bad. No, we can't be friends. No, you can't fix this, because every time I see that mole, I want to vomit?" The fade just says, "It's over. Get a clue." I mean, neither option is really all that desirable, and I think the fade is especially low.

The reason this is driving you nuts is because she started out trying to do a slow fade, that is, the texts got less frequent, and she apologized and took responsibility for it at one point, made it look like you were still friends, and she never initiated anything.

You totally got faded.

If she really is a fader, just be glad she's gone from your life NOW. I've been through this myself, I just didn't know there was a word for it. It'll drive you crazy if you dwell on it. Faders are either extreme cowards or they are sociopaths having a little fun. Good riddance.

if you ask me, I think her family got to her.

This is just me personally, but I would actually rather they tell me that I'm stupid and I smell bad and we can't be friends. I'm the kind of person to whom knowledge means everything. Honesty too. If she had told me something like that, I might be hurt for a day or two, but I'd quickly realize it's not the end of the world and just decide that spending optional time with her is not rational and should therefore be avoided on my part. But instead she spent 3 months telling me what an amazing person I am and bringing out a lot of energy and positivity I have never known before only to intangibly obliterate it all as though she had never even met me. I can't handle that, I can't rationalize it, and most importantly, I can't accept that she lied to me repeatedly essentially every day that I knew her (or talked to her). She certainly doesn't owe me anything, and I can't ever know the thoughts running through her head, but I feel as though a shield that has been protecting me for a long time has suddenly been shattered. Assurances that I always told myself don't mean anything anymore; hobbies that always contented me only create more belligerence towards myself. It's not even entirely this person in particular that has caused me to become this way; I would feel really stupid if I were reacting so dramatically because of a girl. It's more about what her actions represent to me in the grand scheme of things. Of course, the girl herself is still a substantial contributing factor. And the worst part is that I realize that it's no one's fault but mine. It's not her fault (no matter what, I can't bring myself to blame her), it's not my parents', and it's absolutely not the universe conspiring against me or something ludicrous like that.



I wish that I could just think that it's all her and I did nothing wrong, but I can't. Not with her being her. I'm reminded of how many accomplishments she has, makes, and will continue to make; how she's absolutely going to be our class valedictorian, how many people think she's the greatest person in the world, and how much I relentlessly agree with them. She's like a human-sized bubble of happiness, encouragement, and passion. Everything around her is better than everything that's not. When she enters a room, it's immediately noticeable: to everyone. In the 80s she'd be called a nerd or something similar and possibly ostracized, but there's not a single person who says anything bad about her out loud. Everyone knows her name and it has such a positive connotation. I realized all of this before I ever started to talk to her or form any relationship, so I know that I'm not biased in thinking any of it. She makes grand impressions, for sure. Believe me, I have been in emotionally invested relationships before, and I can tell you a million things wrong with each of those girls, but this one's flaws I can count on one hand. They're there, but they're so minuscule in comparison to everything else... I haven't lost my grip on objectivity quite yet.

On an off-topic note, did you mean that "fader" is a film term also used in film to describe a person who does that, or you're just manipulating it that way? Because I don't think I've ever heard it used in relationship terms before.

You'll get it figured out soon enough. All you can do for the time being is just kinda chill try to refocus on things that interest you. You seem to be on friendly terms with some of her other friends or mutual friends?I'd suggest making yourself content to spend time with them--as long as you don't talk about her.

The "fade" is definitely a thing. Google "relationship fade" or "fade out."

http://www.thegloss.com/2014/01/06/sex-and-dating/relationship-fade-breakup/

It's been around for a while, but nobody really talked about it much when I was a kid because, well, we didn't have text messages, Twitter, Facebook, and social media. Those of us lucky to have computers and modems back in the day did bulletin boards and, later, IRC. I used to do ICQ and YIM, and I think every single person on my list faded me?but then I lost interest about the same time, and then everyone started doing Facebook except me. I don't really do text messaging on my phone other than to let my wife know I'm on my way to pick her up from work, or to confirm piano lesson appointments and the like. I'm on Google+, but it's pretty much to track my special interests and self-advertise a little, not to keep up with "real" friends or anything. The point being I'm not the kind of person who'd notice if I'd been faded, anyway. I've also just gotten used to the fact most people go out of their way to avoid me, so as a 36-year-old it just doesn't bother me anymore!

Well, ok, I do get annoyed with rude people who give me that "look" before slinking away, but it's more like, "OK, we're all adults here over 25. This isn't middle school, m'kay?" It annoys me, but I just smile anyway and remind myself that people like that aren't worth hanging out with, and I'm certainly not trying to impress anyone. Your issue is you're younger and you live in a world immersed in technology that keeps us all connected on-demand. So when someone as apparently awesome as this girl just blinks out of your life like that, it's jarring.

With a fader, that's just part of it. We're committed to being awesome people. We're going to smile, laugh at jokes, be polite, like each other on Facebook, and go to great lengths to make sure that the other person is happy and try to walk out of a relationship first. A breakup (and yours isn't really all that romantic?sweet, but not romantic) can't be initiated by the other person because that means WE are losers. No, we want to be WINNERS, and winners are the ones walking away leaving the losers in the dirt. You can't put a death row inmate to death if he's recovering from a heart attack. No, you give him a quadruple-bypass surgery, give him a year to recover, and THEN put him in the electric chair.

Which is STUPID. But I never said we lived in Intelligentland.

Of COURSE she's a great girl. Faders typically are.

BTW, fading isn't entirely inappropriate. If someone offends you, fade 'em. If you go on a date with someone and nothing's cooking, fade 'em. In this case you aren't really romantically involved and you've been close friends for a while. This is immature middle-school crap, and you're just now starting to see at least one character flaw in an otherwise OK gal. If she's a fader, I don't care how great her personality is, how pretty she is, or how smart she is. All the personality, beauty, and smarts isn't worth it if a person at her core is plain evil.

The only thing this doesn't resolve is WHY. Could be a girl friend got to her, which to this DAY still angers me, and I mean seething, white-hot-rage angers me (yeah, I have stories, and don't think it ends when you get out of high school!), or it could be parents. With faders, you'll never, ever know, which is why fading is such a heinous tactic.

It makes me irrationally angry that these things happen in the world. I've always been fairly cynical, having little faith in other people, but having finally placed my trust in someone I'm beginning to view exponentially more cruelty and injustice everywhere. Even those whose claim that their entire moral code rests on the principles of 5 vows, one of which being a claim to Satya (truthfulness), fail to show me true humanity. There are beautiful things in the world too, but I can't see any of them in people. Not anymore. Everybody lies.

I read that article you posted, and I feel extremely resentful that it is seen as a normal occurrence now. I understand that some people are able to take it lightly, but I am clearly not, and she knew me well enough to know how I would take it. I still don't think you're right about her core being "plain evil" though. If she did take this fader route, then I'm certain that I screwed up somehow. Somewhere along the way I must have done one specific action that led to this. It's the only explanation. She always talked about how much she hates upsetting people, and it seemed to be genuine. Besides, does this tactic constitute her suddenly deleting me? That isn't really fading out, it's a sudden jerk--a blow to the head.

Every time I see her, which will be several hours every school day for 3 years, I will be distracted to an extreme extent by the question of why she decided to do this, and why she lied so much preceding it. I'll be blinded by excessive longing for positive memories that were abruptly shattered without explanation. I only ever sought something platonic...

True. It's ingrained into human nature, even if it's unintentional when it happens.

I think every moral code--atheist, Christian, whatever--is rooted somewhat in truthfulness. We just fail at understanding exactly what truth is; or if we succeed in understanding it, we fail to own up to it. Everyone is a wishful thinker.


You're seeing the exceptions rather than the rules, though. Put more stock in what older people think when you judge the world?and I don't mean me, I mean those who are more directly preparing you for the world "out there." I don't mean @$$-kissing, either, because nobody with any substance really respects that. In the short time I taught high school, I didn't give in to brown-nosers, but I did develop an eye for latent talent. Those kids were the ones who did EVERYTHING I SAID, and they reaped rewards from it, and there's one I'll never forget as long as I live. I promise, what's going on with you right now won't matter one bit in 5 years.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe she's not pure evil. But I think you get a clear picture of how I feel about people who behave that way. I can be more forgiving of a high school girl who does that to someone (obviously I'm too old to get involved, so it won't affect me). I mean, I can forgive anyone. But forgiveness doesn't change who/what a person is, and while I harbor no hatred for any wrong done me, I can't afford to trust that person/those people again. So pure or plain evil might be a little harsh, I get that. But it's pretty darn low all the same.

Faders seem to me to treat people like that on a regular basis. You make up your own mind and do what you feel is best. I'm just saying a snake is a snake, and if one is known for being poisonous, I tend to avoid it. If I were your age and knew what this girl was doing to you, I wouldn't give asking her out a second thought. She'd be off my list and out of my dating/friendship pool just like that.


Break up with her.

You're not the first person I've given this advice to, but I think it applies and I think it might help: Write a letter. Explain to her you have feelings for her (whatever those feelings are). Tell her you hate what she has done, that your feelings for her still haven't changed, and you really wanted things to be better and you expected better from her. But fading in this case is wrong. And the feelings you have for her are not enough to help you get past this. So you're breaking up with her. You genuinely wish her the best, you'll always think of her and love her, but it's time to let go.

When you get done, fold it up, write her name on the back of it, shed a tear, and set it on fire. Best time to do it is late afternoon or early evening (so you don't mentally dwell on it all day long), and make sure you can do this safely--don't burn down your house or your backyard. You might have a little trouble sleeping, but when you wake up, you will START to feel better. It might take a week or two, but it will eventually cease to be a disruption. If she happens to be around, you won't really see her. Just another smiling face in a crowd no more significant to you than the next person you never hang out with.

Also, and this is most important: You're a rational person. Don't just take my word for it. Just from the limited info I have, these are the conclusions I've drawn somewhat shaped by my own lifetime of experience, so take it all with a grain of salt. Prepare for the worst, but at the same time hope for the best.

You are going to be just fine.

Yep, the fade is another way of saying "get a clue and stop talking to me." I remember one of my experiences where I kept calling someone and texting them to get a very hostile response in return. You already know that you can't confront a fader lest they decide they should ruin your life. You will have to pretend nothing happened when you get back to school, because if you say anything that makes her look like the bad guy, you will likely have to deal with the consequences.

There was a thread in here a while back that kind of indicated a situation similar to it. The thread is locked and I haven't seen the OP on this subforum in a long long time.

Bluemax said this to the OP.

I said this shortly afterwards. Today I probably would have avoided use of the word "Aspie"



http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt231538.html

Thank you both very much for your input. I know that I came here without very much to go on, but hearing (or rather, reading) the opinions of people who can be unbiased in responding has cleared my judgment substantially. I don't know how this will end up--if she and I will reconcile or be forever broken without a whisper of clarity--but I suppose it wouldn't be life if I did. I'm glad to know that somewhere out there are people who are legitimately conscientious enough to take time out of their busy lives to verbally offer advice to others with their own problems. The Homo sapien is among the most complex of species (that we know of)... perhaps there is potential for the good to outweigh the bad in it. Who knows?