How is your marriage going?

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DrLaugh,

May I ask when you were diagnosed? My husband and I are in our late 50's, married under four years. Our marriage counselor is going to introduce the idea tomorrow to my husband that he has some tendencies associated with asperger syndrome. My husband's five-year-old granddaughter also has quite a few tendencies, some different from my husband's.

Were you receptive to the facts of the diagnosis? Did it take some time to accept? Were you able to find some help in your areas of struggle?

I'm concerned about how my husband react. I've talked with him recently about some things I see in the granddaughter and how what I'm seeing in her is very much like some of my former asperger students. And I then told my husband that the granddaughter reminds me very much of him in quite a few ways. He did not seem to make the connection, as I did not actually expect him to.

My husband's anger and some rages have increased. When he totally lost control a few weeks ago and hurt me physically, he left home for two weeks to stay with family. He told them he does not feel safe with me.

Frankly, my heart is broken. I was widowed fourteen years before I married again, and I was seeking true companionship. We are both Christians also.

Very recently. I was receptive.
I had mentioned thinking about the possibility for a couple if years. My wife checked out some books on being married to an Aspie. I took a few on line test and scored high. 161-177 or so. My wife scored 60. My brother scored 40ish.
Counseling helped on a couple of issues.
Be safe aspie or not.
Celebrate Recovery is a good resource for Christians in my experience.

I'd talked with our marriage counselor a couple weeks ago about my belief that my husband has asperger syndrome. We all met today. The counselor basically outlined the problems we've discussed for two years and asked my husband a lot of questions about his needs possibly particular to aspergers. The language the counselor used this time really clicked with my husband! Several times, he said something like, "That's it!" Then the counselor said he thought he'd taken us as far as he could and that a different type of counseling might be a better fit for us. He recommended someone who's trained in the Gottman method. He ended with giving me an opening to tell my husband I think he has Aspergers. My husband seemed totally unruffled (not that he generally expresses a lot of emotion). It was kind of anticlimatic. He readily agreed to see this new counselor. I have so much relief. I am allowing myself to believe that my husband actually loves me. Thankful.

I have Asperger's and it was my wife who figured it out before I went to get diagnosed. She's NT. We have a fabulous marriage - going on 14 years! Love her more every day!! !!

Mongoose1,
so nice to hear it

Thanks for sharing!

Im an Aspie and married to a wonderful man. I cant give him all the things that I know he wants and needs. I see that when we meet other people, finally he can talk and relate to some one at any level. Im glad for him when that happens but at the same time I feel very bad about myself not being able to be 'normal'. I often feel like I am a very boring person because of my very few but big interests. I often hear that Im cold and distant from people and it was a problem before in our marriage. Im very lucky because my hubby is very understanding but sometimes I wish I could give him more.

I had a arranged marriage around 16 years back. My mom was finding it difficult to get a groom due to childhood abuse i was shy, withdrawn, not confident and not able to hold good job. So when this proposal came up she hushed it and got me married.

We both are hugely different. He smoke/drinks i am teetotaller, he is non veg and im veg, he is atheist and i am believer.But most difficult part is he is spendthrift and i am saver. We dont share much of relationship. We dont have sex also.

We sleep in separate rooms intimacy, romance, love is over. But since i cant earn i just manage house and we continue living. I am in late 30s and he is early 40s we have a 11 year old child.

Just yesterday we had major fight. He took me to a restaurant which i dont like. I was forced to eat there and ended up having terrible diarrohea. Its frustrating on daily basis. But then nothing much can be done about it so might as well continue with it.

We have zero communication, whenever i talk, share something he just replies in monosyllables. I think i have to make do with this rest of my life. Our child has started imitating him sitting in front of TV whole day and playing video games.

He hangs out in the weekend with his alcoholic cousins and they go for picnics where i feel left out and foolish listening to their loud horrendous songs and drinking binges.

They make a public joke out of themself and i am too sensitive for all this s**t

I have autism but i'm married to a man with adhd. He loves me and although he can be abit immature I can still trust him. I think he has some asperger traits but wasn't diagnosed with aspergers. But we are happily married, been married 7 years now.

he's been worrying out loud a lot lately. i'm gonna slap some sense into him. (not really).

Hi everyone,

I've been married for 9.5 years now, and I feel like we're being pulled under. I'm newly diagnosed last year as level 1 - but only just barely.

My wife is NT, but with some traits of ASD which run a bit in her family as they do in mine. She doesn't know how to manage anything much at all, frequently breaking things inadvertently or just plain leaving things behind or laying around or whatever. She was never given any responsibility as a child and that's come home to roost... though her parents don't take any responsibility for that.

Our marriage has never really been crash hot, but it's mostly been above average.

Atm, it's in very bad shape. We have an extraordinarily beautiful not-quite-2yo daughter who's already fiercely independent but very including in her activities. And super intelligent. But we don't have custody of her any more. The authorities here have told me that I can't be a good parent because I'm autistic, and would be happy to give my wife sole custody if we separate... except that my wife couldn't manage looking after her on her own. I couldn't either, but it'd be less problematic!

We've tried to get therapy but my entire last pay packet went on our mortgage and 3 sessions of therapy. We're very close to having to sell our house just to cover the legal fees from trying to stop our daughter being taken away.

I've had a look for a thread on being an Aspie parent (not parent of an Aspie - my girl's nowhere near the spectrum as far as we can tell!) but couldn't find one... not sure if it's worth starting one???

Anyway, all those practical matters are tearing us apart - which neither of us want (and which our girl doesn't either; at our last access visit she initiated a number of group hugs of the 3 of us).

And I'm still coming to terms with my diagnosis and haven't really had any time to deal with that properly or grieve the missed opportunities of my prior life because of missing out on the diagnosis. So I'm totally heart-broken right now, which isn't helping me help my wife grieve the removal of our daughter...

Oh, it doesn't help my cause that I've got a number of other (physical) disabilities including Coeliac and severe vision impairment (though it's corrected enough for me to drive), and anything like that the authorities think affect my ability to parent or even be a good partner.

Read this article today.
Describes a marriage with an Asperger man pretty well.
http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/married ... ent-399347
http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/married-with-undiagnosed-autism-why-women-who-leave-lose-twice-0420164#comment-399347

The bold part up there just brought on a conversation between myself (the one on the spectrum) and my spouse... who though not spectrumy, does have ADHD, OCD, and somme anxiety and depression issues. He and I have been married since 2002. Even though I was not diagnosed until several years into our marriage, it came as no surprise to him when I got my dx... I recall him asking me early in our relationship if I was ever diagnosed with some kind of autism.

My husband is sitting here on the couch with me, and I asked him if he felt as though we are living together but alone. He sighed, then laughed, then said how he hoped to never have that conversation with me. He also said that he did not believe that it had anything to do with me being autistic, rather, it had to do with his issues and how he feels bad because he does not take me out or do things with me that he other people do with their wives. He also said that it causes him significant distress now and then and is a reoccurring upset that has come and gone for years now. I had no clue. He says this is not presently a problem for him, but when it is problematic to him it really messes him up. He chooses to not mention it to me, he says, because he does not want to pester me with with his own insecurity issues. I found that disturbing because I do care for him and I cannot help if I have no idea that there is a problem. I care for him and have no problems whatsoever offering reassurance, making adjustments/accommodations for him should the need arise. I value him and want him to feel secure, okay, cared for, whatever... why would I feel bothered and why would I not want to help if I can? It is weird to me that he would not approach me. He says I am approachable, it is just he is not necessarily comfortable putting his needs out there in a direct way. I, however, am incapable of knowing his needs if he does not express them. Unless he is crying or blatantly angry/hostile (such as yelling or snapping at people for no apparent reason), I will not know there is a problem. I am oblivious to things like that. I'm not sure if he forgets to remember that or if he expects I should be able to do better by now. Either way, I am what I am. I do not know how to suddenly make myself a mind reader. Not gonna happen. I've been trying to be better about these things for years and it is still getting me nowhere.

And here I was going to write a response that said my marriage was swell. Personally, I find it lovely that I can share time, life, and space with someone such as my husband. He and I can sit together and do our things and (I thought) if one of us needs the other, we seem (ed) to take the time and energy to be there for the other. He is brilliant, funny, insightful, open minded, tolerant... many things I appreciate and so much more. He is, quite frankly, the best person I have ever met. I view our relationship as one of calming comfort and acceptance. On a different note, he also has many things about me that he in return appreciates. He has made it clear on more than one occasion that I am not allowed to die before him as he has no clue how to live without me. Heh. It makes me laugh when he says that and I reassure him that I will do my best. I have zero control over such things, but I think it is sweet that he needs me and likes having me around. He's a keeper.

Thank you for this post. It brought up a topic that I did not know needed to be addressed. One cannot work to fix a thing unless they are aware there is a problem, no?

please DO start a thread on parenting with asperger's. might help you and also many others. sorry times are so tough. do you have legal aid where you live and might you qualify for free legal help? also, therapy from a pastor or university might be cheap or free.

All in all my marriage is failing. We have had issues since my son was born and I had significant job stress at the same time. This led to burnout and depression for me thus leading to some bad choices and abuse of alcohol. Obviously this has had negative impact on my family. Now 10 years later, I am diagnosed with hfa along with add/pi. Explains a lot but how can we move fwd? My wife tries to understand but really doesn't. She has had a hard time grasping hfa just like I have. I don't think she really has put that much effort into it though. She thinks of it as an excuse vs explanation. I take full responsibility for my actions and have tried to explain my thoughts and actions but she doesn't get it. It's a combo of my poor communication and her unwillingness to truly accept my hfa.

Any thoughts on how to progress. We have/are doing counseling with hfa specialist but the benefits seem short lived and my wife falls back into negative views of me and I forget to take full advantage of all the suggestions.

Thanks

Are you off the alcohol?

Take notes of the suggestions and go over them often. Sticky notes might help.

She needs to start reading otherwise she will never understand and communication will never happen. It's like learning a completely different language. On alot of things, NT's and Aspies want the total opposite of each other. (my theory) Your wife is probably looking for some quick fix and there isn't any - you can't change because it's who you are. You need to learn how NT women communicate which isn't going to be natural for you. She needs to accept that some things will never be like she thought they would be. I find that most NT women leave after a diagnosis and I think it is because they know things aren't going to change and be like they are wanting.

This is true and what I mean by NT women have certain emotional needs that need to be met. It's hard to explain to an Aspie, but if we don't get it we can get extremely depressed and some even suicidal.