Parenting a Step-child with AS

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You may be right, but I think that there are also - potentially - practical / financial / emotional reasons why they don't want to leave when they still can. It may be that they don't want to be judged by society for bailing on a relationship because of a child. However, it is also entirely possible that they make the conscious decision that whatever advantages the relationship offers makes it worth their while to stick around. They may further rationalize their decision thinking that "the kid won't live at home forever" or "my partner won't be responsible for an adult child anyway" etc.

It is when they actually all start living together that the step-parent realizes what a mistake they made. When it becomes even more obvious that the kid is entirely or even partially unable to live independently, and IS likely to live at home FOREVER, they panic and go into the "fix-him-get-him-out-the-house-and-forget-about-him" mode. When that also does not happen, they feel cheated, short-changed and come here full of self-righteous anger about how they are "trying their best for their step-child but how nothing is ever enough".

If any of these posters really and truly are staying ONLY because they don't want to be badly judged by society, then I am here to tell them that Society doesn't care about them as long as they are not the Queen Grimhilde or the Mr. Murdstone types. No one cares about you donning the long suffering martyrdom mantle at the altar of your stepchild's challenges. Society, my dears, does not give a damn.

BTW, I am actually deeply suspicious of this latest poster - she sounds a lot like Mrs. Donahue, especially with the allegation that her fiance and his ex had been in denial about the boy's ASD and that they had him on ADHD medications, while she knew - within minutes of meeting him - that something was off and that it was due to her that the boy was able to get access to a therapist ! The story lines are dis-similar enough to not invoke overt suspicions, but similar enough to make me go Huh ??? Well, we'll never really know if this new poster is a sock puppet for Mrs. Donahue, but I guess it doesn't matter.

To recap, all ye long suffering step-parents listen up,

1. You cannot possibly claim to love your husband if you actually dislike his children.

2. You are not expected to love your step-children. Just don't be a nasty bit of work to / around them.

3. You have every right to leave a man with parenting responsibilities, if you feel that you cannot possibly handle the demands of raising his children in a kind and compassionate manner.

4. Society does not care about your life and choices, unless you are a reality show like the Duggars.

5. Life is hard. Parenting is harder. Stepparenting is a thankless job. You have one life to live, so be smart, and don't sign up for jobs for which you have neither the aptitude nor the interest to autograph with excellence.

Good luck to all.

HisMom - I agree with most of what you posted, excerpt for this-

1) you can absolutely love a person and not love their children.

Period.

I'm an active stepmom and a bio mom, too, and I love my step children immensely and have great relationships with them. BUT, my relationship with their father is largely independent of that. I think that we see so many of these step-parent posts in this forum exactly because of the phenomenon which I'm describing - humans, independent of obligations (as they often present themselves while dating), are very different than what they look like with said obligations.

Essentially, while dating, the partner gets to be their ideal selves, easy to fall in love with. But then the realities of their lives enter into the equation: sour ex-wives, ASD child, massive debt, whatever, and the prospective new partner has to make hard choices to keep their potential new partners on the line.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that loving a partner is not the same as loving the kids because often the "loving the parent" part happens before the kids are even in play.

Yes, but is it possible for a stepparent to sustain a loving relationship with a parent when s/he resents / dislikes / hates their child ? Even if a stepparent thought that this was entirely possible, would the parent of the child be able to like / be intimate / have a relationship with someone they knew disliked their offspring (especially a minor child or a child with special needs) ?

Answer: yes, a stepparent could disassociate the parent from the child. Could a parent still be bonded to a stepparent if their commitment to the child waivers? Depends on the parent.

Yes, I do agree with you that a stepparent could disassociate the parent from the child.

But can a parent do the same ? Is it truly possible for a "normal" parent to bond with someone who actively dislikes their child ? To me, that sounds well nigh impossible but I guess that there are people who would choose a partner over a child, even a minor child or a child with special needs.

If so, the child is probably better off WITHOUT that parent in their life. Stepparent and parent probably deserve each other, in that case.

IMO, there should never ever be a partner vs. child "competition". It's unfair, it's hurtful and it's never going to end well.

JMHO.

Yes--I agree with this also. Some people are not going to be good step parents. It is harder than being a bio parent in some ways b/c you get much of the responsibility and all of the blame for some time, before the child accepts you, and that could be never despite best efforts. If you don't have a personality that blends with the step kid's, I think it is harder to get past it.

Sadly, I know people to whom this happened. Without getting into the details because the step parent was actually abusive, The mother decided her own (minor) child lied just b/c the child did not like the step, and so sided with the step parent. Then when the child was going to press charges, the mother guilted the child out of it b/c "It would break up the family."

Anyway, the short answer is, yes, there are bio parents that are so afraid not to be pair-bonded that they will betray their own kids.

I do, too. I knew a man who spent his son's camp money (the camp was a requirement for a class at school) on fancy furniture and décor for his new wife. His son had to go begging to friends and relatives.

Yep...which is what I was trying to get across earlier. Sometimes, it's not just a step-parent staying due to any fear of social repercussions, but staying due to the hope they harbour that they - and not the child - will eventually be prioritized by their partner.

So while most of you here are graciously willing to give these people the benefit of the doubt, I only see bright red flags which lead me to have ZERO empathy for such people (bio or steps).

I have no idea what this thread is about but my opinion is kids come first so when you are dating, if someone you like has a child you cannot stand because their personality doesn't go with yours or they have a special need, or any other reason why you don't like them, you are not dating the right person and the person deserves someone better who will like their child. But sadly some people will pick their partner over their child and I also think it's important your partner likes your kid too and if not, you have to let them go but as I say, some bio parents will also pick their partner over their child. There is a difference between a kid not liking someone just because they made them clean their room or do chores or homework or wouldn't let them watch a TV show because the partner felt it was not suitable for kids. That is normal kid stuff right there. And sometimes different opinions in how a kid should be raised makes things not work out between two people. One parent might see nothing wrong with having cake for breakfast because it's best to just get it out of the way so the sooner its eaten, the better is it while someone else might think cake is never okay for breakfast.

I think having a blended family can be an issue if kids had a different set of rules because the parents had their own view on parenting so they both raise their own kids however they want and stay out of each other's business but IMO that won't go well because then the kids will see their step siblings are allowed to do more things because they are more free range so they might want to do what they are allowed to do and it would just be chaotic. It's not like The Brady Bunch. I am sure we would all love it if all step families turned out that way.

So I can see why someone might not want to date anyone with kids even if they have kids themselves.

Hi there;

I think the original post was awhile back, but I wanted to reach out and offer ideas and support to the original post.

Society puts an ENORMOUS amount of pressure - both directly and subtlely - about "love me, love my kid" and "kids come first" blah blah. It's all crap. You can meet and love a person who is a great match for you and who you need and want to marry - AND - they can have crap kids. The kid could be normal or disabled, it doesn't matter. The disability doesn't per se make you not like them/not attach to them. It's their behaviours and personalities that cause the problems. There are crap kids in both camps. Don't EVER feel bad if you are not in the least attached to them - or don't want them in your house or dread when they come to visit. At the same time, DON'T let them destroy your marriage to a good person who loves you!! ! You will have to tolerate them, be kind to them, ignore them if need be - but never feel that you "have" to love them like they were your own child (birthed or adopted). Because they're not. You haven't gone through the attachment/bonding step, especially if the child is an infant, that is so so so crucial to forming that love. You don't need to find "common interests" because it's true what the other posts say here - that kid doesn't really want you playing Lego or crafts with them. Just ensure that you give the kid enough time with their remaining bio parent(s). Then you do and find a hobby for yourself, go to a movie, do a craft, drink wine, call a friend - whatever. Do you own thing and DO NOT shorten your life for one moment. Focus on your marriage and enjoy that, your job, your friends. The love-y parental feelings you might be wanting to get will NEVER come from them. A kid cannot reciprocate that level of emotional intensity - particularly an autistic child who isn't wired that way. You will not change them. Good luck and remember that wine!

I know this post is a few years old but I wonder if it's gotten any better for you as far as connecting with your step son or his interaction with your daughter. After reading your posts we are in very similar situations. My nearly 9-year-old stepson does everything yours does and treats me the exact same way and says to mine and my four-year-old son's face that he hates us. He takes every opportunity to ruin a good moment for anything/anyone that doesn't involve him. He is drastically self absorbed and when things don't go his way he immediately turns to how everyone is agaisnt him and throws the worst tantrums and always says he wishes he was dead (that gets a reaction out of His dad) I've been with him since he was 5 and my son was 8 months old. My husband kept assuring me over time it would get better and he would grow to connect with us and it just has never happened. My husband has trouble being as involved with my son as he could in fear of hurting his own son. My son's father died and my husband is the only one he knows. My step son is with us about 40% of the time and both of his parents pretty much let him do whatever he wants and let their world revolve around him. Our ideas of parenting are vastly different. It was only this past month he was diaganosed with ASD after years of my urging since I knew from the day I met him something was different. It's a struggle every day and I want some hope it gets better !

Omg.....You and I have a lot in common! I have an Autistic stepson who is 16 and I have had him since he was 11. His mother is absent and never sees him. I feel so stuck! I am getting resentful and exhausted. I love my husband, but could use someone to talk to.

Email me!!
[email protected].

I could have the same issue with my stepson. I’ll tell you why. His father was a career criminal. On top of that, my new spouse used to point out when he did things he reminds her of Ex. It would be very easy for me to dislike him. I don’t like the choices of food he gets. I don’t like that he is openly combative with me in regards to a difference of opinion, even at years old. However, the longer I spend with him I try to find things about him that remind me of my wife, the reason why I got involved in the first place.

What you need to do is realize that you’re autistic stepson is much like his father. You need to look at him, and begin finding things that are like his father. When you do, you will be able to learn to like him. That is after all, why you got involved to begin with. Now, if you have a problem loving your new spouse, that is a different story altogether. But however, the longer I spend with him I try to find things about him that remind me of my wife, the reason why I got involved in the first place. Now, if you have a problem loving your new spouse, that is a different story altogether. But, the only way you’re going to learn to love your stepson is by reminding yourself of how much is like his father.

And about your own kids.., my natural son changed his last name and disowned me when I left his mother. I was miserable with his mother. And my daughter, calls the new boyfriend Grandpa to my Grandson. So loving your own daughter more than your autistic stepson may just prove to be very short-sighted after all.

I would take an argumentative autistic stepson over natural children that would disown me any day!

We can be difficult to deal with. It can be difficult to connect, especially with so many issues with the differences of frames of reference.

I write about this in a series called "The Care and Feeding of Your Aspie". It can be found HERE. It might help you with some things... I find that it is easier to tolerate something when it is understood.

So first off, I'm someone with aspergers, and it honestly is really disgusting to read this. I also have social anxiety among other things. You are trying to come here and play the victim, and what about how he feels? Did you stop to think how he must feel, when no one gets him, and he doesn't get other people. Furthermore, kids are really good at picking up other people's feelings. I would hate to be with someone who had so much resentment towards me, and felt they didn't like me, and that I was a burden. I hope you take this to heart that, people that grow up in those kind of environments tend to become very dysfunctional adults. Usually very self loathing, cut off from others, depressed, get lots of anxiety, etc. They think it's their fault, when it's the parents.

So he can't help how he is, instead you can help how you are. You instead of sitting there saying how hard it is, and I'm sure i t's hard, should be more productive and learn how to understand him, and see things from his point of view. Educate yourself and read about autism or aspergers, and people on the spectrum. Don't google it and find a list of symptoms, read about people's experiences, what it's actually like for them. There is much more to people on the spectrum than having a hard time with communication, socialization, and sensory sensitivities. I have it myself, and I got a lot of similar books just for me. You need to understand his world and point of view, did you ever think maybe he is not happy? People on the spectrum don't not want love or affection, everyone is different. I like deep connections, and affection like anyone else. I was unconditionally loved, and it doesn't seem like he is, and that's really upsetting. How would you feel if your parent hated you, hated trying to do anything with you? He may not come across as affectionate, but EVERYONE wants to feel accepted.

-When you are playing legos, you should instead ask him how to do things, how it works, ask questions and get him involved; if he's more verbal. He'll have a set way of doing things, but that's okay, and you should learn what that is. In his mind there is a right way and a wrong way, and he's very sensitive to the wrong way.He probably doesn't understand why you aren't doing it 'the right way' and gets frustrated. He probably is lacking the ability to see from another person's perspective, you have to try and understand his. Along the way he needs to be educated about how to understand people's feelings. Some of us have that ability, some of us don't. People on the spectrum can learn, they need to be taught and have good examples. It comes down to repetition in a positive way.

-He doesn't know how to share, that's a problem, you'll have to find some way to teach him, or figure out why he wont share. It could be some other reason other than just sharing. There's not much you can do but ask him why, and then explain to him, and do that without getting angry. People on the spectrum tend to like rules and structure, try to think about ways to use that.

- He is a kid, who cares if he thinks he is better at riding a bike than everyone else, but is terrible at it? Are you that petty as to make that a problem? It sounds like you are embarrassed by him, which is also sad. You should instead try to learn how to make those situations fun, don't trample on his self esteem by telling him he's terrible etc.

-Now this is important, people on the spectrum can be VERY sensitive, him getting hit with a ball, is not like you getting hit with a ball. It can feel extremely overwhelming to the point of him wanting to break down. Let him cry, try to console him (if he likes that, if not leave him alone, but apologize), and try to understand what he is experiencing; is not what you experience. I don't know why you have no empathy for him at all. When I was younger, there would be a car or motorcycle that would pass by the house, and I would cry for an hour. My hearing is extremely sensitive, you basically could call it heightened hearing, and something loud, and louder to me, effects my whole body and gives me a lot of anxiety. It's an extremely overwhelming sensation. People on the spectrum tend to have different heightened senses depending on the person. Sometimes simple physical touch, is a problem for kids on the spectrum. I don't have that issue myself, but I had another thing happen when once at a wedding, and the speakers were so loud (for everyone, people complained), and for me it was the scariest experience of my life. I sat at this wedding reception, petrified and uncomfortable. I had to ask my mom to take me to leave, and as soon as we got into the car I had an anxiety attack and broke down crying, my ears also hurt.

-Why does it bother you that he doesn't talk when you go somewhere? Who is to say he isn't enjoying himself? It seems like you are the one with the problem there, like you want him to entertain you, YOU want to feel fulfilled, not want to see him happy and content. He could feel uncomfortable around that environment, people, he could just feel content to not talk (I can be like that, but I also talk when spoken to, and initiate convo to people I'm comfortable with. But I am generally a quiet person, and will often talk mainly when I have something to say in that moment. It sounds like you're upset you don't have instant gratification from this child. I think you need to ask yourself why. Why does it bother YOU so much. This is largely a problem that has to do with you.

In terms of his dad, it's his dad, I don't know why you feel upset about that. A lot of times we take longer to trust, and clearly you dislike this child, and I'm telling you he can probably tell. Maybe he can't but he can tell something is off, maybe his father understands him more. In terms of him treating your daughter badly, you and his father need to address that together as a united front, since that is who he seems to trust and have respect for. He should be disciplined in a civil way if it continues, HOWEVER it's important you explain to him why this is wrong, from multiple angles; not just that it's wrong, he might not get it.

So to sum it up, you need to have more empathy for this child; it's ironic I am saying this to someone that is NT. You need to try and understand him, and try and figure out why him not being like most children, bothers YOU so much. You need to accept him for who he is, and you need to get over that he doesn't communicate like most and you don't feel that gratification and connection. People on the spectrum sometimes need to be taught in different ways, it just depends on the person, and where they are on the spectrum. I really want you to think about how you would feel if you had a step parent that didn't like you, didn't accept you, and because they didn't 'get you' hated you. I want you to think about how this would make you feel about yourself, when you were older, and could understand those actions and feelings. This will cause him issues in the future. Try to read up on autism, on aspergers. I would try to find books about people on the spectrum, and not books about parents who have children on the spectrum. You need to learn more about his perspective. Books with writers on the spectrum, books about multiple stories of people on the spectrum, books about teaching people on the spectrum, or those written by psychologists whom have worked with them. You will want a little of each angle.

My parents never ever had these feelings towards me, they love me and accept me as a person, all my family does, so do my friends. What bothers me is, I have had friends, and a significant other, though while they did not have asd, had parent figures in their lives that did not love and accept them. I can tell you that those people i know are all the same. They are like I mentioned previously, and they aren't doing well in life. This isn't about you, it's about the child. I seriously feel bad for this kid, it's going to be frustrating but you come here saying how much you hate him, without trying to understand him at all. I know from experience from peers and etc, what it is like to have people that didn't understand you, nor want to, and disliked you. It doesn't feel good, it largely hurt my self esteem and self worth. I have anxiety and social anxiety now because of things that have happened. Thankfully I have parents I can rely on, and I can say my self esteem is better than it was.

Learn to appreciate him for who he is, what he's good at, get excited about those things and celebrate them. Also, as a step parent, he may also see you in a negative light, and not fully accept you yet. He might not even trust you yet. He may feel you're stealing his father, it really just is hard to say. The way you are treating this situation, is not going to bridge any gap between you and him anytime soon. I think you doing stuff with his dad and him at the same time, could be good as well. Therapy is also something that may help, or a behavioral specialist that works with people on the spectrum. But before you look at those things, look at yourself, as well.