Parenting a Step-child with AS

Post Reply New Topic

Omg.....You and I have a lot in common! I have an Autistic stepson who is 16 and I have had him since he was 11. His mother is absent and never sees him. I feel so stuck! I am getting resentful and exhausted. I love my husband, but could use someone to talk to.

Email me!!
[email protected].

I could have the same issue with my stepson. I’ll tell you why. His father was a career criminal. On top of that, my new spouse used to point out when he did things he reminds her of Ex. It would be very easy for me to dislike him. I don’t like the choices of food he gets. I don’t like that he is openly combative with me in regards to a difference of opinion, even at years old. However, the longer I spend with him I try to find things about him that remind me of my wife, the reason why I got involved in the first place.

What you need to do is realize that you’re autistic stepson is much like his father. You need to look at him, and begin finding things that are like his father. When you do, you will be able to learn to like him. That is after all, why you got involved to begin with. Now, if you have a problem loving your new spouse, that is a different story altogether. But however, the longer I spend with him I try to find things about him that remind me of my wife, the reason why I got involved in the first place. Now, if you have a problem loving your new spouse, that is a different story altogether. But, the only way you’re going to learn to love your stepson is by reminding yourself of how much is like his father.

And about your own kids.., my natural son changed his last name and disowned me when I left his mother. I was miserable with his mother. And my daughter, calls the new boyfriend Grandpa to my Grandson. So loving your own daughter more than your autistic stepson may just prove to be very short-sighted after all.

I would take an argumentative autistic stepson over natural children that would disown me any day!

We can be difficult to deal with. It can be difficult to connect, especially with so many issues with the differences of frames of reference.

I write about this in a series called "The Care and Feeding of Your Aspie". It can be found HERE. It might help you with some things... I find that it is easier to tolerate something when it is understood.

So first off, I'm someone with aspergers, and it honestly is really disgusting to read this. I also have social anxiety among other things. You are trying to come here and play the victim, and what about how he feels? Did you stop to think how he must feel, when no one gets him, and he doesn't get other people. Furthermore, kids are really good at picking up other people's feelings. I would hate to be with someone who had so much resentment towards me, and felt they didn't like me, and that I was a burden. I hope you take this to heart that, people that grow up in those kind of environments tend to become very dysfunctional adults. Usually very self loathing, cut off from others, depressed, get lots of anxiety, etc. They think it's their fault, when it's the parents.

So he can't help how he is, instead you can help how you are. You instead of sitting there saying how hard it is, and I'm sure i t's hard, should be more productive and learn how to understand him, and see things from his point of view. Educate yourself and read about autism or aspergers, and people on the spectrum. Don't google it and find a list of symptoms, read about people's experiences, what it's actually like for them. There is much more to people on the spectrum than having a hard time with communication, socialization, and sensory sensitivities. I have it myself, and I got a lot of similar books just for me. You need to understand his world and point of view, did you ever think maybe he is not happy? People on the spectrum don't not want love or affection, everyone is different. I like deep connections, and affection like anyone else. I was unconditionally loved, and it doesn't seem like he is, and that's really upsetting. How would you feel if your parent hated you, hated trying to do anything with you? He may not come across as affectionate, but EVERYONE wants to feel accepted.

-When you are playing legos, you should instead ask him how to do things, how it works, ask questions and get him involved; if he's more verbal. He'll have a set way of doing things, but that's okay, and you should learn what that is. In his mind there is a right way and a wrong way, and he's very sensitive to the wrong way.He probably doesn't understand why you aren't doing it 'the right way' and gets frustrated. He probably is lacking the ability to see from another person's perspective, you have to try and understand his. Along the way he needs to be educated about how to understand people's feelings. Some of us have that ability, some of us don't. People on the spectrum can learn, they need to be taught and have good examples. It comes down to repetition in a positive way.

-He doesn't know how to share, that's a problem, you'll have to find some way to teach him, or figure out why he wont share. It could be some other reason other than just sharing. There's not much you can do but ask him why, and then explain to him, and do that without getting angry. People on the spectrum tend to like rules and structure, try to think about ways to use that.

- He is a kid, who cares if he thinks he is better at riding a bike than everyone else, but is terrible at it? Are you that petty as to make that a problem? It sounds like you are embarrassed by him, which is also sad. You should instead try to learn how to make those situations fun, don't trample on his self esteem by telling him he's terrible etc.

-Now this is important, people on the spectrum can be VERY sensitive, him getting hit with a ball, is not like you getting hit with a ball. It can feel extremely overwhelming to the point of him wanting to break down. Let him cry, try to console him (if he likes that, if not leave him alone, but apologize), and try to understand what he is experiencing; is not what you experience. I don't know why you have no empathy for him at all. When I was younger, there would be a car or motorcycle that would pass by the house, and I would cry for an hour. My hearing is extremely sensitive, you basically could call it heightened hearing, and something loud, and louder to me, effects my whole body and gives me a lot of anxiety. It's an extremely overwhelming sensation. People on the spectrum tend to have different heightened senses depending on the person. Sometimes simple physical touch, is a problem for kids on the spectrum. I don't have that issue myself, but I had another thing happen when once at a wedding, and the speakers were so loud (for everyone, people complained), and for me it was the scariest experience of my life. I sat at this wedding reception, petrified and uncomfortable. I had to ask my mom to take me to leave, and as soon as we got into the car I had an anxiety attack and broke down crying, my ears also hurt.

-Why does it bother you that he doesn't talk when you go somewhere? Who is to say he isn't enjoying himself? It seems like you are the one with the problem there, like you want him to entertain you, YOU want to feel fulfilled, not want to see him happy and content. He could feel uncomfortable around that environment, people, he could just feel content to not talk (I can be like that, but I also talk when spoken to, and initiate convo to people I'm comfortable with. But I am generally a quiet person, and will often talk mainly when I have something to say in that moment. It sounds like you're upset you don't have instant gratification from this child. I think you need to ask yourself why. Why does it bother YOU so much. This is largely a problem that has to do with you.

In terms of his dad, it's his dad, I don't know why you feel upset about that. A lot of times we take longer to trust, and clearly you dislike this child, and I'm telling you he can probably tell. Maybe he can't but he can tell something is off, maybe his father understands him more. In terms of him treating your daughter badly, you and his father need to address that together as a united front, since that is who he seems to trust and have respect for. He should be disciplined in a civil way if it continues, HOWEVER it's important you explain to him why this is wrong, from multiple angles; not just that it's wrong, he might not get it.

So to sum it up, you need to have more empathy for this child; it's ironic I am saying this to someone that is NT. You need to try and understand him, and try and figure out why him not being like most children, bothers YOU so much. You need to accept him for who he is, and you need to get over that he doesn't communicate like most and you don't feel that gratification and connection. People on the spectrum sometimes need to be taught in different ways, it just depends on the person, and where they are on the spectrum. I really want you to think about how you would feel if you had a step parent that didn't like you, didn't accept you, and because they didn't 'get you' hated you. I want you to think about how this would make you feel about yourself, when you were older, and could understand those actions and feelings. This will cause him issues in the future. Try to read up on autism, on aspergers. I would try to find books about people on the spectrum, and not books about parents who have children on the spectrum. You need to learn more about his perspective. Books with writers on the spectrum, books about multiple stories of people on the spectrum, books about teaching people on the spectrum, or those written by psychologists whom have worked with them. You will want a little of each angle.

My parents never ever had these feelings towards me, they love me and accept me as a person, all my family does, so do my friends. What bothers me is, I have had friends, and a significant other, though while they did not have asd, had parent figures in their lives that did not love and accept them. I can tell you that those people i know are all the same. They are like I mentioned previously, and they aren't doing well in life. This isn't about you, it's about the child. I seriously feel bad for this kid, it's going to be frustrating but you come here saying how much you hate him, without trying to understand him at all. I know from experience from peers and etc, what it is like to have people that didn't understand you, nor want to, and disliked you. It doesn't feel good, it largely hurt my self esteem and self worth. I have anxiety and social anxiety now because of things that have happened. Thankfully I have parents I can rely on, and I can say my self esteem is better than it was.

Learn to appreciate him for who he is, what he's good at, get excited about those things and celebrate them. Also, as a step parent, he may also see you in a negative light, and not fully accept you yet. He might not even trust you yet. He may feel you're stealing his father, it really just is hard to say. The way you are treating this situation, is not going to bridge any gap between you and him anytime soon. I think you doing stuff with his dad and him at the same time, could be good as well. Therapy is also something that may help, or a behavioral specialist that works with people on the spectrum. But before you look at those things, look at yourself, as well.