test
28 Sep 2014, 9:00 pm
28 Sep 2014, 9:00 pm
28 Sep 2014, 9:13 pm
Raleigh wrote:
Transyl wrote:
This question is hard because there isn't a clear baseline and there are so many different aspects. Some people on the spectrum may not be able to hold back from an obvious melt down. Am I higher functioning because I can contain it? Because I can hide the overload, burnout, frustration, paranoia, self-hate, etc.? Even if it's killing me and I can barely keep up the facade?
All I can say is the term high functioning feels wrong when applied to myself. If I had money and food I could take care of myself. At least in theory. But other than that I don't see myself as very functioning. Being around other people hurts. I feel like all I can do is fail. That they'll inevitably end up hating me or simply never care one way or the other... which feels like hate. Apathy is just as bad as hate to me. I don't like being around permanent strangers with their neutral expressions looking at me but not seeing me. Being around people who do "see me" can be just as hard but in a different way. Because I still feel like they're far away. Like a distant star. I don't know how to reach them. I disappoint everyone.
Because of my stuttering I can not talk well and likely come off as not intelligent. I have a terrible memory for most things. Even if I could talk well my brain seems slow unless I'm talking "to myself". Which mostly consists of ramblings and tangents and debates and trying to understand the world or trying to find a way to make life better but never coming any closer to it. Everything overwhelms me. The smallest thing that a normal person, probably even a lot of people with Asperger's, would never think twice about can take a toll on me.
All I can say is the term high functioning feels wrong when applied to myself. If I had money and food I could take care of myself. At least in theory. But other than that I don't see myself as very functioning. Being around other people hurts. I feel like all I can do is fail. That they'll inevitably end up hating me or simply never care one way or the other... which feels like hate. Apathy is just as bad as hate to me. I don't like being around permanent strangers with their neutral expressions looking at me but not seeing me. Being around people who do "see me" can be just as hard but in a different way. Because I still feel like they're far away. Like a distant star. I don't know how to reach them. I disappoint everyone.
Because of my stuttering I can not talk well and likely come off as not intelligent. I have a terrible memory for most things. Even if I could talk well my brain seems slow unless I'm talking "to myself". Which mostly consists of ramblings and tangents and debates and trying to understand the world or trying to find a way to make life better but never coming any closer to it. Everything overwhelms me. The smallest thing that a normal person, probably even a lot of people with Asperger's, would never think twice about can take a toll on me.
Wow. I think we are the same person - only I could never describe it so eloquently.
Thanks. It's always nice to hear someone else feels similar.
I had a rough time this last week. People, they weren't really mean, one woman paid me a sort of compliment... but I was around them constantly. Sitting with people on a bus, walking past them in a hall, standing in line, on and on... and we're just strangers. And we always will be. I don't know how to tune it out. How to be around all these people and not be overwhelmed.
29 Sep 2014, 2:57 am
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