why can't i just end.

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to RetroGamer87

I don't know what women in Australia are like. what's here name is from there I think and she isn't like that.

but that means theres a 99% chance I won't so I'd be more likely to be hit by lighting which is very unlikely.
so I'm 99% more likely to live in hell for another 60 years slowly dying inside.
yeah but I'll be dead so I won't care or know. death is freedom. I want to live but not like this. I don't want to die, but see no other choice. I fear pain and death.

I'm working on being security, that is if I can pass the test tomorrow after class. I am taking the best notes I can but I still really worried. I wish I could just copy everything over to my notes from the book.
I though getting my degree would do that but it only made things worse. I think having a full time job will distract me for 8 hours a day but at the end of the day I'll be in my room alone crying to sleep every night.

the whole world can't be wrong. they don't call people worthless to their face they do it through proximity. you put it on your facebook page how people who are ____________________, are shitty horrible people who should die. you didn't go tell john he is that, heck you might not even realize john is that, but john knows. on dating sites they don't care they just want to avoid the worthless trash(me) we are worthless to them so why should they care if I get hurt or die well heck they want me to die so they'd be happy one less worthless s**t in this life taking up space. now if for some miracle I got a job paying over 20 an hour and my own place then bam i'd be worth something but that isn't how life works, the rich stay rich and the poor poor or the rich wouldn't be rich.


well there's a lot more scholarships set to get women to school just like for blacks. which was good cause use to be far less of them were able to, but now it puts men at a disadvantage when i tried to apply for scholarships there were like 3-1 ratio of ones geared towards women and minorities then towards men. also a lot more jobs that women tend to go for here require degrees, where as jobs like, warehouse, machinist, factory etc, don't require any so strong men and yes strong women can do those without a degree. we have a lot and i mean a lot of nursing and dentist students here mostly women. then there's lots of business, accounting, marketing, etc. I didn't even need the degree to work as a mechanic. don't get me wrong I'm super happy women are getting degrees and good jobs. but that doesn't' change the ratio. far less guys go to college here. so theres just not enough "high quality" or "real men" to go around.

nah they hold out for the qualty man and complain that they can't find one. tons of this on okc/pof/cl/fb/
wheres all the "real men" is a common post.
can't compare women to supply and demand, doesn't work like that with people we aren't objects. they've been raise and told they don't have to lower their standards, its the me me me generation after all. also usually the standard doesn't get lowered they just lower the price of stuff or stop making it.
another problem how do they know all the quality men are taken until its been years and its too late. i might fish in a pond for months before I realize the pond was emptied by the state a week before I cam out. there's no singles list of quality men that they can check to see they all taken lol. so they wait on dating sites and complain. also some women would rather be single then lower their standards.

so how do I find a trash woman? I don't think such a thing exists so idk.

finished the unarmed security class and passed the test despite the high level of anxiety. now I just have to go through the certification process and hope i don't get bounced out and have it take longer. gov works slow and all.

Cool

Apparently we synthesise our own happiness. It is internal, not reliant on external factors. I'm still trying to get my head around this. Here's the link if you're interested:

http://youtu.be/4q1dgn_C0AU

well that ws short lived, if i get a job i'll make too much to be on housing so i'd have to move out and get my own place. well apparently my family would kill themselves if i do this. so I can't ever work :'( theres no escape from this hell.

Yeah it's a catch-22. But there are other things you can do with your time. Don't despair, just look for other options.

I like your perspective, Ann.

Ann2011??

the things i do with my time all require money which besides dating was the other reason i wanted a job. so i could enjoy my hobbies (shooting, videogames, hikes, etc)

Yup.

Try things you haven't done before that are cheaper. Hikes can't cost all that much. Maybe you have skills that you could use to make money "under the table." Odd jobs and such.

This is probably your biggest hurdle that I see you keep tripping over. While romantic relationships and creating a family are great things to want, and love is a powerfully unique feeling that "can" boost morale(it can also maim it when things go rocky), they're more modifiers of how your life is to be lived... Not defining of one's life itself. I suppose what I mean is, being single is not a bad thing, just as being in a relationship isn't any more of a good thing. Being single is only a different state of living life a little more unbound as opposed to sharing decisions and provisions with another while having a second set of eyes. Both are hard ways to live, because life is hard and there is often suffering no matter who you hold near, or do not. It's entirely fine to say you want a relationship because you'd prefer to not have to take life on solo, but it won't be any easier a life, just a different one with different hurdles you've not yet had to face that require the synchronized leap of two while tied to another human being's well being and frailties while mutually trying to remain warm within each other's heart-throne.

I guess my thoughts are that, something fulfilling must really be missing in your life and it could rather benefit you to find what makes you content when limited to your own company so that you can remain in control of it by your own personal devotion so that you aren't bound by mercy of an outlet as fickle as depending on another fragile human to be comfortable being your own.

Like I said in that one thread:

DON'T.

BE.

LIKE.

ME.

The sheer fact that you can be kind even after all this lame, backwater, effed-up, stupid, unfair bullshit means that you are good for something, even if you think you're not. I know how the whole spiel goes, because I'm the same age as you and have had to deal with the crummiest of hands in the same way. Now I'm 26, almost homeless (I have a temporary place, at least until spring of next year), working a shitty job with a college degree that might as well be toilet paper, and on top of that, being under wage garnishment because my scholarship didn't pay for my tuition. And all the heartbreaks and s**t like that I've endured have turned me into the most cynical of all assholes. So....yeah. If anyone is a failure here, it'd be someone like me. But I can't even say that, because like you, I'm still here.

how have you been, is the puppy good?

hikes are dangerous alone, plus I live in the city so its 15-60 miles to places to hike. no buses go there so its up to driving which cost gas and my money supply is draining too fast already for gas to do things for others and appointments. went from 1200 to 500 in the past 2 months. actually less cause i'm buying a 2 games next month for $65.

I don't know how i'm going pay for christmas gifts but it'll have to be super budgeted to just my household family members.

The puppy didn't work out. He was too much for me. I found him a home with a family. But ...

I have a new dog now: http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt268642.html