Trouble with Future In-Laws

Post Reply New Topic

A year and a half ago, I met the man who is now my fiancé. He and I have had our share of issues, but we love each other, so we work through each problem as it comes along. However, there is one issue that has gotten in the way of our relationship from day one: his family. His mother is just horrible, she rejected me the moment she met me because she thinks I'm not pretty enough to marry her son. The rest of them rejected me as soon as it became apparent that my autism would prevent me from making it to EVERY family event they throw. (And most of their events are completely spontaneous!) I missed this past Easter because of a particularly bad meltdown that kept me down for the whole day, and my fiancé's mother was so upset that she wouldn't let me back in her house for months! While I was melting down, my fiancé was with me, and his Mom was texting him and outright saying that she couldn't accept me anymore. She STILL hasn't apologized for that, even though I apologized for missing Easter DURING MY MELTDOWN, and again and again in the weeks after. In spite of all that, and other offenses like it, my fiancé expects me to shrug it off like nothing happened. He expects me to show up to EVERY event, like his family would want. He expects me to pretend to be happy and socialize with the same group of people who have no problem hurting me over and over again.

I'm worried now that the holidays are coming around. Last Thanksgiving, I didn't get to see my own family AT ALL, because my fiancé's family hogged all our attention for the entire day. I got to see my family last Christmas, sure--but my fiancé and I still had to attend TWO of HIS family's celebrations, and while we were with my family, his family kept texting him and nagging him to leave.

I'm tired of putting up with such awful in-laws, and I'm tired of my fiancé siding with them 99% of the time. Sure, he'll apologize after the fact for not defending me as his family hurls insults, and he'll apologize for the yelling he does himself, but it keeps happening over, and over, and over, and over again. I'm doing my best, and it's not good enough for them. I really don't know what to do.

Sorry this post isn't organized well, but I'm short on time, and I really needed to get that off my chest.

Edit: One more little thing to rant about: my fiancé's parents demand that I make more friends, as if I could drive in to a store and buy them. I've had trouble making friends my whole life, it's never come easily to me, and now I need to just magically make it happen because they say so?! Gah!

In-laws can be tricky; there's a reason why every comedian at some point has something in their comedy act about not getting along with the in-laws. One of the several reasons my own marriage failed a long time ago was this very issue. I know that won't make you feel any better, but sadly for me it was the case. Mine were not monsters but, similar to yours, things just didn't gel, and I too "let them down" because of having to get away or duck out of family events and gatherings. I was overwhelmed often and they, being highly social, didn't understand that at all.

One time, they threw a Christmas party and I got so overloaded socially and sensory-wise, that I wound up fleeing to a bathroom, having a cry, and emerging with a whispered demand to my husband that I had to go home. Since he was my ride and we lived in another city, it meant us both leaving. The DAGGERS his father gave me when he looked at me, and his mother sobbing dramatic tears, as we left, is something I haven't forgotten.

Pretty soon after that, I point-blank stopped accompanying my husband to his family visits home, and Thanksgiving and Christmas. He went, and I stayed home alone having Christmas by myself, the start of what is now my tradition (we are now long divorced).

I'm not saying your situation is the same and that it can never work out -- I know there are stories of people managing to form better relationships with their in-laws in time. It's possible you guys will find a way to do that to.

I will say though, I'm not keen on how your fiance, does not, at the moment, defend you to their face. Loyalty is VERY important between spouses/partners, and a person who is sheepish and timid about sticking up for their significant other against those who give here or him a hard time, even if the sticking up is against their parents occasionally, is not doing their job as a partner in life, in my opinion.

I have no advice to give, as obviously I never found a way to heal the rifts between myself and my own in-law situation, but I really hope you and your fiance can navigate your situation together and find a way through this.

You marry the whole family, in more ways than one, not just the person. I wish it weren't so, but it's really kind of true.

I'd run. Seriously.

I'm sorry-- I know that's abrupt and possibly unkind...

...but for an Aspie, these people are CRAZY.

Imagine being the mother of their grandkids.

I'm sure there's a lot more to it than that, but honey, these people aren't going to calm down any time soon. It's not you (or not just you, anyway, not something inherently wrong about you). IT'S THEM.

Thank you for your replies, it's nice to have support from people who understand.

That's awful! I'm so sorry you had to go through that. So far, I've only had one meltdown right in front of the in-laws, and it turned out okay. My fiancé was there with me and trying to comfort me, and his dad ended up helping, too. (If my fiancé's mom had been the one to find me like that, things would have turned out very differently.)



I don't like it, either...it's very painful when he won't stick up for me. I understand that it would be difficult to further displease parents who are already not proud of you, but I'm someone he wants to spend the rest of his life with. I'm someone who IS proud of him, I'm someone who actually does love and support him. Thankfully, he has recently seen the truth of this, and now he does defend me more often. In fact, I found out yesterday that he's been telling his parents that he and I are doing this year's holidays with MY family, since I saw them so little during last year's holidays.



Unfortunately, yes, this seems true. However, my fiancé and I are interested in moving out of state, so maybe distance will make it easier.



Believe me, I've thought about running. In fact, if my fiancé wasn't slowly beginning to see just how toxic his family really is, I would have ran a long time ago. And yes, I've been very afraid of letting my future kids around my mother-in-law, because she's even awful with children. They have a home video of my fiancé learning how to ride a bike, and in the video, he falls. It happens when you're still learning. However, when his mom saw, she exclaimed, "What are you, an idiot or something?!" She's awful to the core.

If he's starting to understand that they're toxic (by the way, the behavior his mom showed in that video isn't just toxic, if it's consistent it's emotional abuse), the two of you might have a future.

I want you to be extremely clear on two things:

1) Just as he will end up bearing weight from Asperger's, you will end up bearing weight from his upbringing. Can you do that???

2) At some point, he is pretty likely to have to choose between you and them. Even if you don't force the choice, they very well may. Are you prepared to deal with the fallout from that?? It won't be pretty, even if he chooses you. Are you prepared to deal with the fact that, no matter how well you treat him, these people are his parents, and there's a good chance that he will choose them??

My in-laws aren't but about half that evil (OK, my FIL might have been three-quarters that evil). If I had it all to do over again, I'm not sure I'd go through with it a second time. I love that man and he has been as good to me as he knew how to be (probably better than the established wisdom would say an Aspergirl has any right to expect), but it's come with a hell of a price tag. I'm really not sure I'd pay it again.

I had awful in-laws.

I left.

I have never been happier.

If by this stage in your relationship your fiance still puts his mothers wants above your needs, then it's time to walk away.

Again, thank you for the replies.

She throws out insults like that all the time, so yes, she is absolutely abusive.



These are all very real possibilities that worry me quite a bit. Thankfully, we are going to start seeing a premarital counselor...hopefully that will help him open his eyes, and it may also help prepare me for the inevitable rift that you speak of.

This reminds me, I really feel I should mention that he's still living at home. We both are still living with our respective families. We live in an area with a sky-high real estate market, and neither of us can hope to afford to move out on our own yet. So, for the time being, my fiancé lacks the benefit of an outsider's perspective...he's still stuck in the middle of everything. He can afford to split rent somewhere with roommates, though, and I am really encouraging him to try that out...the only thing holding him back is generalized paranoia.



I'm sorry you had to go through that. I can only hope that I don't come to regret fighting for this relationship...like I posted before, I only stick around still because my fiancé IS finally beginning to see how awful his family is.



I don't want to walk away yet, because I still have hope that things may really turn around. Also, you know how I said that he still lives at home because he can't afford his own place? Well, his parents threaten to kick him out when they feel he is being too defiant. He can get away with defending me, and he can sometimes get away with having other opinions different from his family's, but they are very oppressive otherwise. I'm really, really pushing for him to just get a room somewhere. What's the worst kind of roommate he could get stuck with? Someone loud and selfish, with no respect for his personal space or individuality? He's already living with that!

Contrary to what you believe, they are not in charge of your life. They have no right to dictate what you can and can't do, no one does but yourself. You don't have to give into their demands, you have your own life and family to look after first.

Also - I have found in a very long life of ableism, avoid people who belittle autism at all costs. People who invalidate your experiences or feelings as a result of autism really don't have any business being that intimate with your personal life.

It sounds like your on the back foot, already as his fiance, be practical about how you can address this before you marry him and his family. Good luck

Your fiancé has a choice. You or Mom. He shouldn't even hesitate.

I really wish my fiancé would get his own room somewhere. Then, maybe he wouldn't be so afraid of his parents. (What are they going to do, threaten to kick him out?) Still, I know and understand that he is a grown adult, and that his choices are ultimately his own. It's precisely why I don't just roll over and take it when he stands by and allows his family to be mean to me.

If I took this stance, I'd have to cut off all of my own family, too. Until very recently, my family thought that my autism was something they could break me of, as if it were a bad habit that I was deliberately engaging in. If I cut off everyone who has ever disregarded my experiences and feelings, I'd be completely and totally alone.

In fact, my family is one reason why I feel so conflicted about all of this. When my fiancé is mean to me (or allows his family to be mean), my family will still regard him as the victim. Yes, he's had a horrible upbringing, but he's a grown adult! These choices are his own! I had a bad upbringing too, but when my family thinks I'm out of line, they don't hesitate to tell me. I'm never thought of as a victim.



Hah, I've been on the defensive since the moment I stepped foot into his parents' house.



I've wanted to avoid forcing this decision myself (largely due to pressure from my own family), but it really may be the only way. Truly, no one in my fiancé's family can really be called "good". His mom is rotten to the core; his dad CAN be nice, when you follow his rules and don't piss off his wife; sister #1 whines as much as her mom, and she physically harms people when she's angry; sister #2 is only nice when she sees an opportunity to show off her own piety. These aren't people I want around my kids, and they're not people I want around ME.

You will have enough of a task, working out your issues/differences (you and fiancé) without also trying to satisfy all these other people.

If they were reasonable folks it would be one thing, but since they are not my attitude would be to simply cut them out of my life. Sounds like you two need to elope and move far away. As the husband I would be like 'either respect my wife or I'll be seeing ya'. To me the marriage surplants the family in importance and priority.

So yeah, I would not even attempt to play their games. Better to start off firm and if they relent so can you.

It bites that your family won't support you either. Spectrumites seem to get that a lot-- I know my stepmom thought my husband must be a saint just for liking me (but then, it was also a male/female thing-- the male must necessarily be in the right when you were brought up Hillbilly Baptist). It's stupid-- I mean, we may have a smaller niche out there, a narrower pool of people that will work, but we're not completely undesirable to the right person.

I think maybe the best thing you can do is draw a hard line and stand on it.

You probably can't demand the treatment you want, but you can refuse to take abuse. You can refuse to give over all of your holidays to them. You can refuse to hyperextend yourself for their social standards.

Figure out where you need to and are willing to draw the line, and don't move. They'll call you stubborn and selfish and a lot of other things-- if you are being reasonable, it's self-preservation. Draw your line and stand on it-- and if he chooses to hit the road, good riddance.

I'd still think really hard about hitting the road myself. Those people aren't sane. There's narcissism and a whole lot of other stuff there...

...and you really do marry the whole family. I've realized that more and more as I get older (and closer to the family I used to hate).

We're already planning to do exactly that. He and I had already discussed moving out of state long before it became apparent that this situation with his family wasn't going to get better. Additionally, he and I talked earlier today, and he's reconsidering the idea of just renting a room somewhere. It wouldn't solve everything, but getting him out of his parents' house would help so much. His parents are so oppressive that I honestly believe he forgets his own age.




I already do this a little, but it is very difficult to stay strong when everyone I'm close to tells me I'm being selfish. Here's a template of a situation that's come up several times now:

1.) Fiancé and I make plans.
2.) I spend hours/days/weeks excited about our plans.
3.) His family throws together a casual, spontaneous dinner/visit with extended relatives
4.) Fiancé drops our plans in favor of the dinner/visit (sometimes his family pushes him to join, other times he does so eagerly)
5.) I'm crushed by the loss of our original plan and inform him that I will not be joining their event
6.) Fiancé begs me to suck it up and join
7.) I'm usually crying by this point, but I stay firm
8.) Fiancé's family chastise him for MY absence, and this frustrates him; so, he takes it out on me

The next day after these things, I confront my fiancé and let him know that what he did was selfish, inconsiderate and mean. Sometimes he comes around, other times he becomes convinced that I'm "trying to keep [him] away from family." Under normal circumstances, this would just be my fiancé being a jerk; however, when these things happen, he always gets the support of his whole family, and sometimes mine. So, even though my fiancé totally blew me off, I'm somehow the bad guy. And there's no convincing my fiancé otherwise, because everyone we know is backing him up!

This is the gist of what usually happens when I draw a line, regardless of who or what I draw the line with. It always seems to go poorly for me.

It IS extremely difficult. It's hard to do even if someone backs you up.

If they don't, well... It's exponentially difficult.

If you can get away from all that, stay away from all that, and get over the damage of all that, you might be able to make a life for yourselves together that works.

The odds are pretty long, though.