I hate going to church

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I hate it because going seems to make everyone else feel better, but I always feel worse.

Because all the people my age will be getting up and talking about how they were having a "rough time", and then they just decided to pray, or do what they felt was what God wanted rather than what they wanted, and suddenly they feel peace, or they feel loved, or whatever. And I've tried it countless times, but instead of feeling better I just feel worse, because absolutely nothing changes.

When I was at university I had to deal with this all the time at church. And it's not like I could just not go either. Everyone there went to church, and I do mean everyone. So if I'm not showing up, now they are going to feel obligated to ask me if something is wrong, and then I just wouldn't know what to say.

I mean, yes would have been the correct answer. Everything was wrong. I was constantly wanting to kill myself, everything became surrounded by that idea. If I was walking on the side of the street, I'd wonder about if it would work to "accidentally" stumble in front of a car. I would look for places high enough to jump off of to ensure death. I would try looking up ways to create lethal poison with easily purchased ingredients. One of the only reasons I think I'm not dead right now is that I just couldn't find a good enough plan that was sure to work, everything I could come up with had too much gray area, so I would just keep looking.

And then I'd hear these people talk about how they were having such a hard time, and all they had to do was say, "God, make me feel better." But when that didn't work for me, people would tell me it was because I wasn't "faithful", and basically making it sound like I was choosing to feel that way. Because that definitely makes sense, someone choosing to be severely and chronically depressed and not accepting help, because they just aren't having enough "faith". I mean, it's not like I was getting down on my knees begging for help every night for 2 years, right? Oh wait, yeah, I was.

And the worst part about it is that I still believe in God, and nobody could ever convince me that God does not exist. I can't even say to myself that I'm not receiving help because there is no help to find where I am looking. I just have to see all these happy people, who are happy simply because they ask to be happy. And then I have to listen to them telling me that I could be happy too, if I'd only ask.

I'm still pretty much forced to go to church, at least if I want to avoid all the lectures about how much praying and reading scriptures will help me. Last week I told my grandparents I was going to church, but I really just went to a book store and stayed there for 3 hours. But now apparently someone at my church is wanting to talk to me, probably wanting to ask about where I've been these past couple of months. This is a pretty tiny town, so if I don't go they will definitely find out eventually, and then I'll start hearing all this crap about how my problems are a result of me not trying hard enough to be "spiritual" and listen to what God wants for me. That is actually the exact thing that just makes my problems worse. But since that isn't the case for them, in their mind I'm just a stupid teenager and there's no way what I'm saying is accurate.

And now that my stupid car is basically destroyed I have no way of going off on my own anytime soon, which I'm already hearing all about how stupid I was for not having a bunch of different cars inspected before making a decision. Even though I was given less than a month to find a car AND an apartment and suddenly just know how to live totally independently for the first time in my life. All that, because after being here for 4 months, my grandparents decided I didn't seem to be learning and improving from all their brilliant advice.

And now I get to go to church tomorrow, and try to pretend I'm feeling something, and try not to feel awkward when nobody talks to me and ignore me when I talk to them, and hear the same old story over and over about how praying fixes everything. I can't freaking wait.

There's no shame in how you're feeling. It's not your fault for "not having faith" and it's not god's fault either. You can believe in god and just leave it at that - such things as praying, fasting, whatever else - they don't have to be in your life, it's more than acceptable to say "I believe in god, but I can't say for sure what he/she/it is, or how he plays an impact on my life." If the church/devout christian lifestyle isn't for you, it doesn't have to be a major part of your life. You're old and mature enough to decide how you feel about religion and the afterlife. Unfortunately, you live in the s**t hole otherwise known as Twin Falls, where I don't think a single soul in that crap shoot doesn't attend church regularly., I'm sorry you can't leave that joke of a town.

As an atheist/agnostic/whatever I'm also very envious how christians can just have a bad day and rely on god to make it better. Anything goes wrong in their personal life, they just go to church, pray, and it brings them peace. I know it solves nothing, but it gives them strength and hope where there could otherwise be none, and I wish my life were that simple.

When I was in my teens, I went through a time of depression and being very angry with God for some things that had been going on in my life. I tried talking to my youth leaders and they were no help. They either didn't believe me that I had problems (in their eyes, I didn't have any *real* problems) or they thought that depression was a sign of lack of faith.

I struggled alone for quite a while because I didn't think anyone at church would really get it. Unfortunately, even today, with the increase in understanding about depression and other mental illnesses, some churches are still stuck in this idea that difficulties in the mind are not simply "spiritual" in nature. If our bodies can break down (which no one will deny!), then so can our minds.

GOD knows this, even if people don't. I prayed for a long time, sometimes feeling like I was talking to the ceiling instead of to God. Other times, I did not even want to talk to God because I was angry with him. I had an internal war going on that I didn't share with anyone. GOD wants to hear about the struggle you are having. People fail; God does not.

I encourage you to keep going to church, even if it doesn't seem to be doing anything. It's kind of like exercising. It won't seem like all the exercise I do makes any difference in helping me lose weight or get stronger. Then all of a sudden one day, I see that it has helped. The changes were so gradual, I could not see them until enough time had passed for the changes to build up to a noticeable level. Keep going, keep praying. You will eventually get through this.

I know it is tough. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk more about it.

I second what NerdyGirl said.

One thing I might add, is that while I have experienced peace myself after praying or reading the Bible, it isn't always and not everyone will have that. And there is such a thing as depending too much on one's feelings. There is somewhat of a trap there. Feelings and emotions can be deceptive and they can be manipulated by the person having them: ignored, changed, unrecognized, misidentified, manufactured, misrepresented, and lied about. It used to anger me when I was younger when I'd hear people say stuff like "I was having a rough day, but then I prayed and I just felt this peace fall over me and God is so good" (usually accompanied by a voice and tone that sounds manufactured and "holy") because to me it sounded so fake. Not because I couldn't relate at all to it, but because I thought they were saying it just because it was the expected thing to say and then everyone would "pat them on the back" and relate their own experiences to more "pats on the back." I guess I just didn't get it and still don't get that. Maybe it's that social reciprocity thing. For one thing, it makes life and Christianity sound like a field of daisies and butterflies that we can all prance through, but really it's often not. It's a battle and one that is never ending. I might also suggest that the people who are saying these things, aren't saying everything. They aren't saying everything that is dark and restless and hopeless in their lives, if they have such things. It is frustrating and angering I know. And they may be speaking from ignorance. They are young and despite being your age group, they probably have no idea what it's like to have "real" problems, problems that go on and on without any apparent solution or end. And that don't just stop after you talk about them once and someone tells you "it will be okay" like a magic fix-all. There is often this expectation that if you are "walking in the light" that no harm will befall you and if you do get depressed or into some sort of trouble, like your house catches fire, it's because you weren't doing what you were supposed to be doing. That isn't so.

Some church people are more "open" about themselves than others; they just have the sense not to advertise it from the pulpit. And it can take years to find them, especially when you already have difficulty relating to people or approaching them. Some areas of the country have fewer of these people than others. I am fortunate enough to be in an area where the people I am around are more "real" than usual. It is a small town and a small congregation and we actually have a relatively high number of mentally ill (bipolar, depression, anxiety), ASD, drug addictions, and a jail ministry. The "if you come more often" attitude is still present in some people, but there are enough that know better so that is counteracted by more than a few people. It is a church of Christ.

Your experience of faith does not have to be the same as theirs. Everyone is different. Some people are more expressive about their experiences (these are the ones I am most uncomfortable around sometimes), some people have more logical/factual experiences, some people have profound spiritual experiences but don't say anything about them unless necessary, and some people find that connection with God in studying and learning. We should all be studying and learning but the expression of your faith will depend on your own personality and your own neurology. I believe that we can feel things that are real, but most of the time, what you "hear" from God can only be proven to be from God, if it comes from the Bible. This gets rid of that silly nonsense I hear from people on the radio, "Well, we felt it was the will of God, and we felt him moving in us that this was the right thing to do, that we buy this expensive house we couldn't afford so that we could have our kid in this school district and be near this church, etc. And we are just so thankful for this or that financial help." Why would God prompt you to get into a financial debt you could not repay? Really?! Illogical to the nth degree. (Quotes there to represent that this is someone's sentiments, not their exact words.)

I also know what it is like to be excluded or ignored by people at church, especially those of my own age group. I am a little better at talking to older people (have been called an "old soul") and because of this problem I had talking to my own age group, they don't know what to do with me or how to read me or they get mixed signals from me. It isn't as bad now that I have some better social skills and am not around the same people (having moved periodically). And no matter how many people reject you for your problems or social difficulties, it has nothing to do with God. They are just people. But there are definitely some places where no matter what you do or how long you try or stay, you will never fit in. There was one place in college that I tried for too long to connect with. I wanted to connect with other Christians my age, and I became sort of obsessed with it, because it was something I really wanted and thought it was something I really needed because I was looking at a lifetime alone, knowing that I could only marry another Christian and knowing that my social abilities sucked, but I couldn't do it. I didn't know at the time what I was up against in myself and thought that I could get over it if I kept trying. Depression, anxiety and obsession, made me look even worse. I did a lot of damage to myself and I still have a lot of hurt feelings from those people. I should have quit going there long before I was forced to by moving. It has only left me with hurt and regret. So, don't do what I did Find people in the church you can handle being with, even if they are much, much older than you.

As a Methodist Christian I would agree with what others are saying about finding faith your own way. I used to go to church every Sunday, even if the rest of my family couldn't make it. I went not because my parents or anyone there forced me to go, but because I chose and wanted to go. If you are being forced to go that would make me feel like what you are feeling too. There was a time where I went through serious depression and even a time where I myself questioned God and my faith, and my congregation specifically my pastor were supportive of me nevertheless. If your church isn't supportive of you in this time of your life then they are the ones who are wrong not you. Nowadays I can't go to my church anymore because I am away at school usually swamped with work and am an hour or so away. Even though church can't be a big part of my life right now, I still have my faith.

From what I have read, you live in a town where the mindset is to go to Church every Sunday, so one thing I may suggest doing is completely emptying your mind of any ill thoughts you may have about church. I would always get depressed and isolate myself during Boy Scout meetings. Then before the first meeting one year I decided I was tired of feeling this way and walked in as if this was my very first time there leaving anything negative at the door. Doing that is what lead me from being the isolated kid that didn't really participate to becoming the troop Junior Assistant Scoutmaster. It may not work on the first try for you, but keep trying. That may open up other things that could help you out and help you to feel a bit more comfortable.

Hope I've helped in some way. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk.

I always have had problems going, but it was mainly social anxiety for me. I also usually found myself out of step with other people and just didn't feel natural trying to do or say things the way they did.

But for me the answer is at least partially in not trying to be who they are, and not focusing on how they relate to God. Instead its establishing my own relationship in a way that seems real and understandable to me. I respect their ways and will try not to disturb them, but do not feel obligated to follow, just to follow.

If they (the other members) can't deal with me being different, well then that is probably an indication that they are a bit messed up in how they see things, and it would be better for me to go somewhere else.

19 is a bit young for most people to make meaningful spiritual decisions of any impact. I've heard dozens of testimonies and experienced it myself that show the more 'successful' comings to faith happen in the late-20s to mid-30s.

Some of those people in the group no doubt had an immediate answer to their prayers, but some were also fibbing or they haven't encountered a serious momentary life affliction to shake their faith yet. Some were and are putting up a mask on the outside that they follow in every footprint that God lays before them while in reality they are struggling with abuse and addictions, incest, homelessness,or a ton of other heavy issues. Some of them are there to get or keep themselves grounded, and others are there to keep from being grounded, or as a form of trying to hook up. There are no perfect people in that room, and guaranteed you're on no less of a level playing field than any of them. As they say: if anyone answers "fine" or "great" when asked how they are, they're lying!

TL,DR: nobody has one over on you or has a more direct url to God any more than you do. Try to keep going at least long enough for someone to remember your name and find common interests. It's better than surrounding yourself with people who can land you in jail or the morgue

Thanks for the support. I will keep going to church.

I am aware that not all of them are sincere, but even if they aren't, they still seem happy. Unless they are faking that too, but I don't understand how they could.

I also don't like when they expect me to share my own experiences. I usually can come up with something, but I am usually lying or stretching the truth in some way, and I always feel bad after. I don't want to just say I have nothing to share, because then they will start thinking I am losing faith or something.

I just feel like going church always becomes more about me trying to not stand out and to do what is expected rather than being able to actually have positive experience. I don't think it should be that way.

Hey L Holmes:

How's everything going? Feeling a bit better about things?

We share a similar experience concerning church... so, I'll tell you what I do.
Every Sunday for the last two years, during the sermon, I pull out my Bible and turn to the book of Ecclesiastes. I read that, because the book fit my mood. I would get depressed at church or because of church a lot. Ecclesiastes lifts my spirits because I can relate to it. I've never heard a preacher talk about the book though, most people don't try to understand it.

Let me quote a section: