I should preface this with the fact that at one time I was diagnosed as having aspergers by an expert in the field. The subsequent doctors claimed this was a specialty bias on his part and that I likely have some sort of psychotic disorder, and that diagnosis has held for the most part. I'm not sure if I was born/nurtured this way, or if people repeating the same lines that many of my beliefs about my situation are wrong have convinced me that I'm crazy. I do acknowledge some degree of paranoia, which has lessened with medication and help from social services, but having access to social services makes me feel somewhat guilty as this has been going on for a while and I'm not in the most destitute position, living with my remaining parent. Heh, don't fret, young aspies, you probably won't end up as pathetic as I am. I have many other issues that make it difficult to present myself in a social situation, and work is definitely a social situation by my standards.
Anyway, I've decided to try and write novels in the hopes of eventually making a small living as an author. I'm participating in Nanowrimo, and am very nervous I won't be able to come up with the 50k words without having my internal critic shut off the process of getting this 50k+ jumble down on a document. I've found looking at the outlines that others have come up with helpful, especially with the parts labeled as I'm not exactly the most educated of creative writers, though I do have a lot of practice under my belt.
I know I should probably get a side job again like I had a couple years ago, especially since my supports have improved since then. The thing is, everytime I consider getting a job, I remember how close I was to harming myself at times because of the way coworkers seemed to react to me. Even just talking amongst themselves triggered my anxiety. I know my concerns are probably not warranted, but whenever I hear someone say something nasty about anyone, I take it personally. I just can't stand the culture of gossiping ninnies. The damning part is that I'd probably appreciate it more if I was part of the conversation.
Again, getting sidetracked, Hopefully this project will lead to good things. Even just having done that much work might serve as a feather in my cap, and from there I can improve my technique and continue with other projects throughout the year. It's the networking that is going to be problematic, and unavoidable at that. Not to mention my motivation issues, which can be very fickle. But I'm at a point in my life where I can see that continuing to do nothing is a huge failure state in itself, and one that's becoming increasingly dangerous.
Thanks to anyone who read this. You may leave advice or input, if you like, negative or positive. I could benefit from either.
27 Oct 2014, 11:36 am
