Replacing My Father

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My father died in July. I had previously been living on my own and going to college. The day he died I moved back in with my mother and have been expected to replace my father in most aspects of our family life. When a light bulb goes out, I have to change it. When we need firewood, I have to cut it. When the septic tank was overflowing, I had to arrange for it to be pumped and subsequently replace the submersible pump.

I am 19 years old and I gave up a pretty rock 'n roll lifestyle to be a stay at home handyman so my family can keep our property. (My mother couldn't keep up the property by herself). And I am having a hard time dealing with such a major lifestyle change.

I wasn't very close with my father until a couple of years ago. He had been dealing with bladder cancer since mid 2013 but had his bladder removed and had been dealing with subsequent infections until he died (which is what killed him). He was such a strong person that nobody expected him to die so it came as a shock to everyone that knew him.

I suppose I just needed to get this off of my chest and I would greatly appreciate any advice that anyone has for me.

Hey.

What you've done is admirable. Choosing to move back home to support your family and taking on your dad's role are tough decisions that no son/daughter should ever have to make, but in reality, life isn't fair and we just have to learn to accept whatever cards life deals us.

What are your plans for the next year? Are you thinking of going back to college? When you were in school, did you have a concrete idea of what career you wanted? Maybe if you want to continue your schooling, but want the option of living at home, then look into community colleges in your area; the tuition is cheaper than universities and you can usually fulfill the majority of your prereqs and transfer later. If you live in a rural area and don't have access to nearby colleges, then postponing your education is perfectly okay. My main point is don't give up on your dreams/dream career. At this time, your mom needs help, but I don't think she would want you to give up all of your hopes and dreams in order to bear your dad's responsibilities. Does that make sense?

It's important for you to communicate with your mom on what you intend to do...whether it's to take care of the property permanently or to go back to school in the meantime while living at home etc.

Hope that helps.

Hmm yeah your mom's interpretation of what an adult's life consists of isn't the healthiest. It's good to have a balance of work, personal, and social life. Is there a reason why your mom doesn't want you to hang out with your friends? Are they a bad influence..like drinking/drugs/excessive partying/illegal activities?

I can only imagine what that must be like and I applaud and admire you for giving up what you had for the benefit of your family. I'm a believer of good things coming from less than desirable circumstances. Someday life will reward you in some way.

Your mom will have to understand that you need your 'me' time away from your tasks at home, just as she may have needed at one time. In a way, from my interpretation at least, you have the power since everyone depends on you, so you should have the right to go out and do the stuff people our age do because as the Trace Adkins song went 'you're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast'. It may be inaccurate, but that is how I see it unless I am missing something.

Hope I've helped in some way. You can PM me if you want to talk.