Unsupportive Spouses
My husband is my son's stepfather. Hubby is NT and son is AS/ADHD. They are like oil and water!! ! Hubby used to think son was doing stuff "on purpose" and didn't really understand what AS was all about. One day hubby suggested my son needed to go to counseling, and I replied that we should all go as a family. It took a little bit of time for my husband to agree, but let me tell you it was the best thing in the world. Now, hubby and son go to counseling regularly to work stuff out between them. I had been trying to explain everything for years, but hubby didn't believe me until the counselor laid it all out for him.
BTW, we went to my son's phychologist who specializes in AS.
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A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of small minds. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
I am trying to think of why your husbands refuse to accept their sons' dx of Aspergers. I am a husband and dad and find it very hard to understand this obstinate refusal to face up to the obvious. If I read the posts right the fathers display many of the same traits as the sons. Unfortunately we males tend to think of ourselves in the superlative and think that anything we produce has to be better than what other men have done, unfortunately this often includes our children. I wonder if the fathers are experiencing a misplaced sense of guilt. Our son ,Z, is in counselling and we also meet regularly for family sessions. these have helped all of us tremendously. How to handle the mutual shouting matches? Even as the boy needs a time and place to calm down and control himself so does the adult. I know I've been there. As for the percieved "inferior product" point out to your husband areas in which your sons performe better than other kids in their peer group. Z at 10 can't ride a bike but has abetter vocabulary than most adults. You may have to confront your spouses and ask them why they won't face the facts. Don't allow the "I know what I believe, don't confuse me with the facts" mentality to continue. Sometimes we males need to be knocked in the head before we pay attention. Good luck
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Aspies, the next step in evolution?
I think it's hard for parents to accept any diagnosis of anything being wrong, especially when it can't be entirely "fixed". It's a big pill to swallow.
My ex-hubby and the father of my aspie daughter fully accepted the diagnosis as he sees traits of the same in himself, however, he was looking forward to having someone to relate to and would not involve himself or hear of any type of therapy, treatment, workarounds, support etc. He simply was happy he would relate to her, and rejected all efforts at giving her a better life than he had himself. When a therapist walked in the house, he walked out.
My husband, my daughter's step-dad, is much more willing to understand and support, however, he has also had to learn to have kids that were not his, and understand a multitude of other things one must go through when you have an instant family. He was brought up with parents who used humiliation to make their point, and he's had to learn not to do that to her. He is slightly over critical of her, but he's not being mean, he's trying to correct her. She is very sensitive to his criticism, where I could say the same thing and she'd handle it. It's the subtle things he does or says, that bug her, where I am more direct and to the point. Still, he and I share the common goal of making sure she is safe, happy and loved.
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Bunni
That which doesn't kill me, makes me stronger, and really pisses me off.
After some soul searching, I could no longer hold back my suspicions. I had myself tested and was diagnosed with Aspergers. I was already over than 30.
So my advice is that autism awareness takes time to sort out. It takes time to deal with the thought that your child might have autism, more time to deal with a diagnosis, more time to deal with the complexities of learning to parent an autistic child, and more time again to recognize, in yourself, the possibility that others in your family might also be affected, maybe even you, as was the case for me.
Just keep pointing things out that relate to your child's diagnosis. It often takes time, but healing can often occur if you choose to hold on to good communication between all parties involved.
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37 male, AS diagnosed, and loving it!
Last edited by aspiebegood on 22 Mar 2007, 2:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Hey Fraz, ask your dad how boring this world would be if we were perfect. I know my Aspy son isn't and nieher am I. Out of curiosity how do you handle making mistakes and what is your response to having them pointed out to you?
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Aspies, the next step in evolution?
Find something your son is obsessed with. Never take it away, no matter what happens. And if you're husband tries and he grows destructive, maybe you should tell him that.
I'm aspie myself and I had a tethered cord when I was a young girl. After it got fixed about 2 years ago- I think- Yeah- little less then that, my mom and dad thought I was fixed and cured and everything was just given to "your brain is trying to tell you this because it was used to it,"
Sigh. I'm still a bit anxious and I have an obsession with novel writing. If Mom or dad take that away, it will make me destroy anything. I destroyed my sister's building, I was so angry.
WRITING IS MY MISSION
YOU ARE PROHIBITED FROM TAKING IT AWAY FROM ME!
If you need to discipline your son, take away other things he likes, but isn't firecly attached to. Be sure he's just not in a meltdown mode. Teaching him to be calm can be helpful.
I'm a father and heavily involved with my ASD daughter's school and development.
People are all different. The OP's husband probably may have difficulty accepting his son's diagnosis and is avoiding reading on the subject because he has already made up his mind. It's a great pity that he has chosen to not to engage with his son. This unfortunately sounds all too familiar. My father also never engaged with me or my brother and as adults we don't have anything to do with him except when we catch up with our mother.
If the father is self-centered (which sounds right) and not empathetic to the son's predicament then no amount of therapy or counselling or threats are going to help. The father honestly has to work it out for himself.
On the other hand if the father is not pulling his weight around the house and helping in looking after the boy or paying his fair share then (like any dead beat dad) he just deserves a good kick up the backside. You can;t make force him to engage with your son without putting your marriage at risk.