Distressed

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and feel like, well, not being nice to myself physically.

I have been living in a really bad privately rented flat for over 5 years. I am on benefits so the Uk government pay my rent. I have been on a list for a council property, which is basically permanent housing owned by the government, for over 5 years. I have been reaching my utter limit, mentally and emotionally with where I am living, with it bringing on extreme meltdowns, OCD and self loathing.

Finally, today I got a letter to say I have been successful in bidding to get a place. But they may visit my current place to check it's condition to see if I am a suitable tenant. This is where my issue lies. A year ago, during my meltdowns/frustration, I put a lot of holes in the plasterboard walls which I cannot really fix myself. There is also blood on the walls.

I called my father, who I told on Friday of my diagnosis, and who knows I struggle but has always believed it is just a matter of self control.
He told me to get a quote on getting the damage fixed and to get back to him.
He then texts me to say he will not pay if it costs too much, and that it is time I took some responsibility.

I am left feeling utter despair and self hatred and a strong desire to just bash my brains in for having messed up.
I have been struggling in this place for 5 years, with damp, sewage flooding the yard, slugs coming in, and a bad landlord and am reaching my limit and I was so excited to get the letter saying my bid had been successful.

But my father always offers to help, then either takes it back, adds in an 'only if... ' or then accuses me of being selfish, or not having responsibility, or tells me its time I grew up and started behaving like an adult.

I do not know how to calm myself down as I am just feeling so hopeless and desperate now and like hitting myself.

I'm sorry you're going through that.

Breathe.......

it sucks feeling trapped.

Thanks, I hate this chaotic feeling in my mind, trying to keep calm, took my valium to try and stay rational. It feels like the end of the world to me though.
It is not a case even of my father not having the means to help, it is that he thinks I am just some sort of spoilt person and that I need to learn to be more normal, or rather thinks I can just be like everyone else in that sense. If he wont help then my only option will be to try and put pictures up and cover the worst until I can afford to get it sorted out myself.

I cannot even get angry at my father. I always take it all out on myself, considering myself to be defective and useless and not deserving of this opportunity anyway.
My father did say he thinks people with aspergers use the label to hide behind, so that is playing on my mind too.

IMHO your father is falling down on the job. you will need to find another person who can be in your corner as he doesn't seem up to it.

Well, you CAN paint a bit, put up some pictures and posters, etc.

The ones that need council housing the most get it the least sometimes. Where do they EXPECT you to live? In the street? You're on disability; they obviously acknowledged you need help.

I have no idea. I may have to just cover the holes for now, in case someone comes to inspect, and fix them when I have the means to do so.
I am absolutely terrible at painting and such things, and would be scared of getting it all over the carpet or something and getting even more angry with myself.
I feel as if I am being punished constantly, for being alive.

life does seem to be a trial. it is a matter of girding oneself with temporary fortitude and telling oneself I can do this for today. then tomorrow tell yourself I can do this for a day, repeat.

Yes, I don't know if it is an autistic trait, but I tend to see only the present when something like this happens... the end of the world, no future, the worst outcome, and totally become lost in chaotic thoughts and emotions and a strong pressure to break things or break myself. I cannot seem to think rationally, or see options in such situations. That, and I am left more aware of and disgusted by my deficits.

I read a book written by a therapist about cognitive methods of dealing with bad thoughts- and the one bit of advice she gave that stuck with me these decades later, is that any thought we think, any discrete thought, is just the only one that our limited working memory can handle at any given time, so to deal with the bad thought we have to distract ourselves with something else. that is the working method behind various other things like smoking cessation and such. to replace one ungood thought with another better thought as a matter of habit. so when I am despairing, I will write down on a piece of paper what things I can do about it versus what I cannot do about it. then if the former list is larger than the latter I will try to do something about it, and if I can't do anything about it I will trust in the universe that it will work out somehow and direct my attention elsewhere. I've been homeless before so I know I could handle it again even though I would hate it, naturally. but it is not necessarily the end of the world. all worry does is eat oneself up inside. I would stop dwelling upon things you don't like, and dwell instead on things that are better. I hope this made sense.

Yes, it does. Thankyou, that has given me something to think about. I am still sort of working on trying to change my reactions to things and my tendency to get stuck in the most negative thought processes.

These types of repairs are not too difficult usually and may be something you can do. These days all the information you need as far as how to do them is available online. If you check out 3-4 sites on how to patch a hole you will normally get very detailed instructions with illustrations and also learn the little tricks and pitfalls to watch out for. If you try one simple repair and succeed it will give you confidence to try another. If you can do it, it will enhance your independence as well.

Yeah, I used feel like I was being punished constantly... and like I deserved it. I need to keep reminding myself I don't. Write it down if you have to, and keep it on you.