I'm not an Aspie or NT

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It seems like many WP members don't understand me. I have some traits in common like special interests, but I don't think I'm truly autistic. A lot of people on WP just think I'm in denial. I could be somewhat "on the spectrum", but I think that's too much like the one drop rule.

If I were biracial I proably wouldn't feel comfortable calling myself black and ignoring all of my white heritage. Same with my aspie-ish traits and NT traits. I feel like calling myself an Aspie would just erase all of my NT traits.

I also believe that my Aspie-ish traits are caused by chemical imbalances in my body. I sometimes feel kind of high and I notice that I get more sensory issues, slowed reaction time, memory issues, become more anti-social, become fidgety and get more intense special interests. I also feel floaty, happy and like I'm inside a bubble.

This really is like a drug because it feels good, but it negatively impacts my brain. I get this feeling when I'm sick or highly stressed. A lot of people like to believe their autism is a fixed part of who they are. I don't think my autistic traits are.

I know that I'm probably annoying a lot of people. WP is just an outlet where I can obsess as much as I want without people thinking I'm a troll.

Has anyone ever called you a troll?

On another forum I casually mentioned that I used to troll Wikipedia. I also posted a lot of threads because I liked to feel like I belonged. I made the mistake of saying that I like the attention. The admins interpreted that as me trolling their forum. They restricted my account and made a bunch of new rules for me. They basically considered everything I did "inappropriate". Even things that weren't against their terms and conditions. I asked them to delete my account, but they wouldn't. They wanted me to "think about what I post" even though I already did. I no longer post on there because I cannot deal with their stupid double standards.

You've made a number of posts about this, and I'm just wondering, what sort of response are you looking for?

Sorry about that. I'm just trying to get this crap out of my system. I'll probably stop posting about this when I start making friends that don't know anything about my label. I kind of want to know how to let go of this stupid obsession.

I didn't mean that you shouldn't post about it, I was just curious, that's all.

That's a relief. I though I was annoying people with my repetitive posts. Like I did in the other forum. I'm just posting about this because I'm obsessed with my diagnosis. My diagnosis has caused a lot of pain that most people on this forum don't understand.

Mainly because they weren't diagnosed until adulthood. I kind of want this stupid obsession to end. I just want to live my life like a happy NT and forget about all the labels I received. I also suspect my diagnosis was wrong, but several people on WP think I'm in denial. That makes things kind of hard for me.

I'm definitely on the spectrum, in fact I was diagnosed as such when I was quite young, but I have found that in a lot of ways I've become more "NT" as I've gotten older, and that I'm generally more on the "NT" side of the spectrum than a lot of people on here. There's no question I'm an aspie, but being where I am on the spectrum, it's hard for me to fit in with NTs, and it's hard for me to fit in with other aspies as well. I have traits that lean more towards NT, and traits that lean more towards aspie.

It can be confusing, especially for people who aren't "in the know" about ASDs. A friend of mine once told me that he didn't think I was an aspie, but his only other exposure to someone on the spectrum was the older brother of one of his cousins, that cousin also being a friend of mine. The brother was also diagnosed Aspergers, but the difference between us was like night and day in a lot of ways. I lived with his family for a while, and from what I observed we both had special interests and stims, and preferred spending time in our own corners, but he was less social than me, and much more preoccupied with his special interests. We also had nearly opposing sensory sensitivities; he would only eat bland food, but he liked playing his music extremely LOUD, whereas I have few problems with spicy food, and I prefer my music to be played at a quiet, comfortable volume.

It's called a spectrum for a reason, and I honestly think that a person's position on the spectrum can be quite fluid. I remember myself, when I was around 5.5-6 years old, I went from being largely non-verbal, to having a vocabulary of someone twice my age, amongst other leaps in perception, functioning, and intelligence. I pretty much went from classic autism to Aspergers, even though that distinction is now considered outdated.

Anyway, you don't have to label yourself. Everyone is a unique case, aspie or not. While a lot of your symptoms seem autistic in nature, it could be the result of something else. The "high" feeling you mentioned having at times doesn't sound like a typical part of ASD, but I'm not a doctor so don't quote me on that.

I don't think the high feeling is typical of autism. I think that high feeling has made me seem autistic to people. When I was a kid I was very high all the time. I was very happy, but I had a lot of weird behaviors. As I got older the high feeling got reduced. When the high feeling got reduced I acted more normal. Once in a while when I'm "sober" I even miss that high feeling. For me feeling high is also pretty relative. What is "sober" now, could be "high" in a few years.

There is a lot of subjectivity when it comes to what is and isn't autistic. For example, I could say so and so is less autistic than me because they like being outside. Maybe they even like playing a sport. Does that make them less autistic in reality? Of course not. Some people might think of me as less autistic because I'm not only comfortable with hugs I like hugs a lot. That doesn't make me less autistic than others. Nor are others less autistic than me because they're better at verbal communication so they see less of a point in hugs. We can all be on the spectrum and be very different in someways without canceling each other out.

Little surprised that your highs make you less social. Mine tend to make me want to talk to people. Although I refrain because I'm seriously that bad at talking to people. It wouldn't shock me if that "high" feeling is common to us. Many of us feel overstimulated which is why being overwhelmed can happen more often or "easier" than NTs. I've felt some major highs and some major lows...

It's your mind and your experiences. I could never know them as well as you. So maybe you're not. Maybe you are and the symptoms don't effect you enough to justify thinking about it so much and you should just live your life unconcerned about the diagnosis. Whatever the case I hope you find some peace of mind and can live the life you want.

No disrespect intended, but it's how I always viewed you personally. I mean, I never looked at you as a second class citizen for it, or inferior. And certainly not annoying.. we're all here for a reason, to learn about asperger's & related reasons. You do talk about this a lot and it always seems like you want validation that you're not autistic. Why put forth so much energy into rejecting autism? What is so bad about being labeled autistic, even if you are or are not?

I don't know you, so I can't say if you are or aren't.. but what you really should remember is that autism is a spectrum disorder, and we're not all the same. Some of us have traits others do not, and it doesn't make us any more or less asperger's or autistic. You'll meet some who have brilliant social skills, you'll meet some who never leave the house. Personally, I don't have sensory issues. Scream in my ear all day, hug me, I don't care. Do that to the next autistic person and you might get punched in the gut. Doesn't make me less autistic than him.

If you really don't think you have it that's perfectly okay too, you don't have to identify as autistic, or neurotypical.. you're still human.

I just don't like how it affects how people see me. If I'm talking about some obscure topic or interest and people don't know about my label they would probably just think I'm smart, unique or a bit of a nerd. If they know about my label they will think it's autism and nothing else. If I'm fidgety and people don't know about my label they will correctly assume I'm bored or anxious. If they know about my label they will just categorize it as stinking and not even think of my feelings. Those are just a few examples. I don't think it's really possible for people who didn't grow up being labelled as autistic to truly know why it's so bad.

I agree that autism is like a spectrum I'm just sick of people using that line whenever they want to put someone into a category. I actually think autism is more like a color than a spectrum. The spectrum is people in general. Autism is just one color. It can have different shades, but it's stupid to call red stuff blue.

To settle your question for your self and get some peace: Get an evaluation.
It is not autism or not, that decides whether you can live a happy life. If you enjoy aspects of NT life, whatever that is,- then live them and accept a smaller "autistic" period now and then, if that´s what it is.

It's not the label, it's the people and what they do with the label. And some people separate with labels, that's not what teachers or family should do and I'm sorry it happened to you.

NT people do not spend time obsessing about a question and repetitively posting about it. The very fact you're obsessing on this question points to the fact that you are autistic! Next time you get stuck in the loop "Am I autistic or am I NT?" you could break that cycle by realizing that the obsessing itself is proof you are not neurotypical.

I have to say I find it a little offensive that you come to a forum where people identify as being on the spectrum, and spend so much of your time detailing why you are not like "those people". If you don't identify with your diagnosis and want to escape it, then maybe you should stop coming to a site devoted to that diagnosis.