I'm not an Aspie or NT

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I think it would be a waste of time and money to get evaluated.

I think it's just OCD. Me trying to prove I'm not autistic is a compulsion. I'm mostly on here because I'm bored and I know some nice people on here.

I'll bet there are some nice OCD forums where you could alleviate your boredom.

They're not very active.

Maybe, borderline personality disorder is a factor.

You're right that many of us can't fully understand your experiences. But for myself, I became known as the quiet one who didn't express himself. People seemed to think I just didn't have much to say. My ability to express has always been very low and in some ways being around people who knew that and expected that made it lower... or kept it low.

Then I made a friend who hadn't known me for a long time and didn't have much of an idea about me. With him I was able to talk more, express more, even make jokes which I rarely did with anyone else. Having a "clean slate" of perception can be helpful at times. You might be able to show a side of yourself easier to someone that doesn't have notions about you then ones who know you well.

However, if you have good and loyal friends, that's something hard to find again. For all I know you could easily make 10 new friends that you'll be close to for decades but... it's also possible you won't meet new people you'll be as close to as the friends you have. I've stopped talking to some people and then regretted it later. Or said something hurtful I didn't mean and lost friends I couldn't get back again.

Do you think I'm borderline?

I thought the focus on self-image could be a borderline trait.

I thought about that too. I'm not too worried about being abandoned. Maybe I'm just plain narrsistic.

I really understand where you're coming from.. I had this problem in a very serious scale that resulted in me moving 1,000 miles away from home. Until I hit about 22 years old I never had much of a clue, I was very socially unaware. I felt like after my 23rd birthday or so, I started to understand how the world works, I started to understand all my past social shortcomings. Growing up I had a lot of self-esteem issues and depression that was mostly brought up from issues related to autism, I might of been narcissistic as well. I felt I was ready to move on and try to be smarter and more mature, move on from all these things, but the "autism" label was always there and it always haunted me. Family and friends always treated me as a disabled second class citizen and I couldn't stand it. No matter what I did or where I want, I was always that autistic guy, I was never expected to amount to anything and it was all okay by everyone because autism.

Here, my new friends recognize that I'm socially awkward. They recognize I'm a bit anxious and a bit obsessed with the things I enjoy doing. But they don't know why, and they don't need to. So I fully understand rejecting autism, I'm often very resentful of the fact that I'm autistic and there's days I'd trade it for terminal cancer. But I can't deny it, it's pretty clear as day I fit the mold for autism. I'm not going to say that's true for you, it doesn't have to be. 'Tis just my own experience. I find it's easier to just accept that it's an explanation of my behavior and anxieties, I don't have to identify as autistic and I don't have to reveal it to anyone, but it's very resourceful in understanding who I am, why I am and what I can do to better myself. That, of course, is just me, though. I don't know you or what you go through. Just wanted to add my own experience.

Devil Kisses, you go on mentioning "your label" and yet it seems, that you haven´t been dx´ed.
You don´t want an evaluation and yet, you want to know, if you´re on the spectrum.
You are obsessed with being on the spectrum and yet you want to be an NT.
It´s pretty confusing.
What DO you want, really?

I was diagnosed a long time ago. I'm just not sure if I was correctly diagnosed. I really want to be NT or at least seen as an NT. I admit that I probably have OCD and I have some autistic traits. I just don't feel like calling it autism.

I get it.
Well, the brain matures over time and it learns functions, so many people with autism can seem NT, apart from certain moments. You basically remain autistic, but the symptoms can "wear off", be controlled.
You remain on the spectrum, but you don´t have to tell anyone.
You can live the NT life as much as you like. Some of the NT´s, you meet are in fact on the spectrum. They just don´t know.

You still have your autistic bubble now and then, when you are tired out. Respect that.
Everyone has a limit for social activity.

Very interesting ive been wondering something similar. It feels like ive grown out of myy aspergers because I'm so comfortable with talking to people, I have no special interesting really (well i guess music but i procrastinate from doing it..) and no routine I'm as loose as gauges. But in certain cases i have my aspie moments.