My brain

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i am getting more comfortable writing things out. although i still hate sharing, i feel the pros of getting thoughts out of my head outweighs the cons.

i am constantly very careful, very wary of my brain. it got very bad in middle/high school so i learned to retreat deeper and while there are things i'd like to learn about, i don't allow myself to read certain things anymore, i try very hard to distract myself with meaningless video games and eye-pleasing movies and sleep.

i found places that will diagnose autism where i live, but i hesitate. certain delusions/paranoia/magical thinking/hallucinations, i dont want to share them. i am doing my best at suppressing them. my parents knew about some of them but only got irritated at me, i'm trying my best to be normal like they want me to be but i can't keep it up.

autism would explain a lot, but not all. it's also hard for me, am i making things up to fit in more with autistic people, i try so hard to not be me that i don't know who 'me' is. part of me wants help so bad, the other part does not. i want to be able to identify my problems before i get help, but i can only do that to a certain degree.

my brain does its best to make trouble for me and i hate it. so overwhelmed i'm not sure what to do right now. sharing all this although i know i will regret it. trying to be a bit vague as i'm feeling a bit paranoid. way too many thoughts in my brain, overrunning

Sorry you're going through that. I'd suggest to keep writing about it. You might be able to work through those feelings of anxiety/paranoia to a level where you're more comfortable seeking help.

I've been there and am constantly self-monitoring, which isn't good either.

((Hugs))

DP

Your story is very similar to mine. I hide my feels for the majority of life assuming everyone else felt the same melancholy as myself. I was and still friendless and alone my entire life. I always had some what of control over my life.But after my father died earlier this year, I hit the wall and my depression and anxiety completely consumed me. I was and still am bored with life; however, if you go see the doctor it can at least let you get some control back in you as they finally diagnosed me with Aspergers and Social Anxiety. I hate pills and I don't recommend them in the long run; however, they are good way to slow down your descent to madness and get some control back in your.