Deep rooted self esteem issues... are they fixable?

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Today it hit me again that I have an incredibly low self esteem. It's just incredible to the point where I have discovered narcisistic traits with myself. I worked pretty damn hard on a 9 page assigment that I had to hand in yesterday. I recieved feedback today saying that again I delivered a well made assignment, but that I should reflect on the underlying motives of my behaviours a little bit more. I got a plus (second highest score attainable) while I did hope to get a plus extra (highest attainable score, rarely given). I did everything right except for the reflection part. This bugged me because I was called 'empress of reflection reports' by teachers in a previous courses. I am a great on reflector and this is what I have often been told. This skill has brought me some of the highest grades. I freaking taught OTHER students on how to reflect and now this lady is telling me that my reflections are less than perfect? My first thoughts were: 'I bet she thinks I am marginal. She thinks I am nothing special. She thinks I don't know how to reflect on myself. She doesn't see my talentedness'.
It would REALLY bug me if several others have recieved the perect score, because that would mean my teacher sees these people as being more developed, having more knowledge and being more self aware. Perhaps more talented. Overall just further than me and above me.
I know it is pretty narcisistic to think all this, and that's why it hit me today. This is what I have turned into. I am so incredibly insecure that I can't stand not being (one of) the best. To think that I somehow deserve more because I am special and talented, and how can anyone not see that. This is how bad it has become.

I'm afraid of staying alone, of not finding a proper boyfriend/partner who will love me for who I am. I'm afraid that no attractive guy will be interested in me, the real me. Not just my boobs, face or ass. I'm afraid that I am not loveable, interesting and special enough to attract and keep a man. To be cared for. To fall in love with. The same goes for friends. I am afraid that I am too weird, not interesting enough and not interpersonally capable enough to make new female friends and keep them. I am never truly relaxed with them. Never.
I am afraid of giving my all, because if I don't achieve the max, I fail. It will confirm the idea that I am not good enough. That they see me as lesser, as marginal.
I am hypervigilant to social rejection.
My horrible self esteem is controlling my life.

I've always been insecure and my core belief is that there is something wrong with me and that I am not worthy and good enough. I was bullied for many years. I only have one parent left. I don't want to be seen as different, but I don't want to be marginal either. I want to be different in a 'better' than others kind of way (more intelligent, prettier, more talented, more interesting) but not in a 'she's weird' kind of way. If I could just fit in and stand out at the same time...

My insecurity is chronic and pervasive. It's incredible. I just don't know if I can ever hurdle my own insecurity. Is there anyone that can relate to me? I really hope so. If I could change one thing in my life it would be these negative cognitions about the self, others, the world and the future.

I think you're all right.

I get the feeling you are receiving the criticism because the professors see potential in you and want you to refine your paper-writing technique. They want to set a firecracker on your butt so you will get mire professional and better.

I would take the criticism as a compliment. If they saw you as just boots and butt, there would be no criticism.

I can relate. I am not sure what exactly to do about it though. Medication and therapy can only take you so far. The rest? I am not sure what it really takes.

Well I am in a group with 11 other students and they all recieved feedback. Last week, on the first assignment, I got a plus as well. However, 8 or 9 of my 11 coursemates recieved a plus with positive feedback. I am thus not special. The teacher is obligated to judge and give feedback to the assignments handed in by the students.

My insecurity is all rooted in disfunctional personal beliefs.

I read somewhere a woman with agoraphobia met others with it and "cured" it that way.

I don't think you are narcissistic, Cafeaulait. Self-doubt doesn't ever trouble true narcissists - quite the reverse - they have overwhelming and misplaced self-regard that is generally impervious to anything anyone else thinks.

Can I ask if you tend to be a perfectionist and are always really hard on yourself if you don't get the A+? That is one whip that we can use to beat up on our own self-esteem, if we have learnt that only perfect is ever good enough. This may or may not apply to you. If so, yes, you can recover from it, though it may take a very sustained effort to do that.

Yes, I am very perfectionistic. Because I think if I do not do it perfect, people will have a low image of me. That I am not as good as others. Etc.

I have to say that now I've slept over it I feel a bit calmer and I was able to rationalize it a bit by saying to myself that it doesn't say anything about my capacitities and that the teacher knows it too.

This will probably happen to me again a lot of times... oh well. I think I have to see a psychologist to really get my issues fixed.

What advices would you give? How did people that had these issues in the past get over them/learnt to manage them? Thanks so much.

I get what you mean, Café au Lait.

I experienced similar things when I went to University.

I managed to obtain a 3.8 GPA--but I longed to get a 4.0. I always felt like I "didn't work hard enough" (which I still believe is true--to some extent).

I'm glad you slept well.

Your perfectionism reminded me of something... In my second stay in university I got all "obsessed" about the grades in my diploma, not because of self-esteem issues, but because in my opinion the grades had to look all symmetric and balanced. In my opinion my diploma could only consist of two numbers (4 and 5).

I didn't mind about the numbers in "success" wise, for couple threes wouldn't have had any effect on the averages and generally grades have very little effect any way, but I Was Obsessed. I still wonder what would have happened if the "symmetry" had broken?

But for the sake of honesty, I also have a tendency to be a know it all at times. And I think kraftiekortie made a good point. I remember getting quite a bit pressed by the professors in the university, but I think they just want to "trim" you even further. If you are jumping over, they will raise the bar, until you jump over them.

Give yourself a break, Cafeaulait. Bear in mind that perfectionistic people judge themselves far, far more harshly than other people do. The flip side of that is that other people think far more of you than you tend to think. You have probably trained your mind to play "spot my flaws". You can change that to "spot my best self".

Maybe get a journal. Call it something like: My Best Self is Appreciated - because it's going to be about your strengths, attributes, good things that happen, compliments and appreciation you get from others, past present and future experiences of these, your achievements, positive affirmations you receive - in the forms of attention, appreciation, affirmation, approval, acceptance, even a lovely smile that someone gives you when they see you. Date each entry. Establish the pattern of noticing - slowly at first. This would include any format in which you are actively appreciated- including WP.

Spend two minutes before you go to sleep each night sitting quietly and meditating on how these good experiences actually felt at the time. Recapture that and let that feeling emerge in your consciousness again as you relax into sleep. Notice and note any affirming dreams, too, if they occur.

These are small steps at the start of a much larger journey. Give yourself a better deal, because you deserve it, and let yourself take time to enjoy and appreciate you.

I'm just speculating but I think you're setting your personal worth in your attainment of good grade. This is because it's controllable. I used to do this and was an excellent student. I think her remark upset you because you failed to control that variable. The thing is grades are not an accurate way to determine personal worth. For two reasons: eventually school ends and so does the method of evaluation. And, you can't be academically good at everything. (I learned this in university.) But either way, a better method is needed. You sound like you're a great student and a smart girl- enjoy it! You don't need your teacher's evaluation to know you are a worthwhile person.