Sometimes, I Wonder If My Confidence Will Come Back!

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All of this year, I have felt like crap. In fact, now I have accepted it will probably be like this for me, for the rest of my life (as sad as that sounds). All the things I loved doing like listening to music and playing pool seems like a boring routine now.

Every day now, I just feel fed up, powerless and anxious to boot. Sex with escorts is not getting me laid. I struggle to go out now. This agoraphobia I have is annoying and all I think about 24/7 is how I miss my key worker, Sara, and certain other support staff I liked to work with before.

Since July, I have had to reside with my parents. My old man and me nearly come to blows one day there, because he gave me a row for swearing when I was kicking off and I find that is the same thing as someone interrupting me. Well, my sister ended up hitting him to protect me and every single day, I just spend most of my time online in a bedroom which is really stuffy.

Generally, I never feel like doing anything else or challenging myself. I used to love chatting to people. But now I just do not have it in me to mingle with strangers. I just keep thinking maybe just maybe the staff will recognize they were in the wrong to lie to me and perhaps we can get a fresh start. Yeah, right. Dream on, Peter. Even my mind is telling me that will never happen.

I look at people on the Meetup site. I see photos of people (not autistic people) enjoying their lives, while probably effortlessly getting partners, friends, exciting careers and the applauded 'like' button on their profiles must be in overkill, for the more popular and outspoken variety. Good for them. Yet a lot of us autism related people have to make do with just our 'own kind' because everybody else gives us the baby treatment or does not want to know we even exist. Now I realize all these care workers "care" about is getting a darn salary in their bank account.

Sometimes, I randomly call that office near to where I was staying before and they talk to me for, I don't know. For maybe five minutes maximum, then they make an excuse to get away. It bugs me a lot. I cannot mess up or I will be fried. I cannot contact those two women. They are not listening nor caring about my intentions anyway, so another free, expenses paid trip to prison over them would be pointless.

As if it was not 'punitive' enough losing my support workers (who are like royalty to me), I had to go to jail before not just once but twice and now I have to be in court next month to possibly receive another jail term or a fine. Who knows?

I feel like the jerks in that court are treating me like a God damn criminal. So I broke a bottle out of frustration. So what? Better that than smashing my own fist through the face of the daft moron that lied about my former key worker's status with me.

These idiots that deal with the benefits like DLA suddenly stopped my money last week without letting on about it and I had to explain to them my court hearing is not until 19 December. So after reactivating it, I have now been without money for weeks and they told me it will be suspended again a week before my hearing, which I do not really want to attend as it is like opening an envelope with heavy anticipation (because you never can predict the outcome).

I am owe my mother around £140 too but truth be told - I would rather let her stew after she had me shopped in September. By shopped, I mean she gifted me to the police because I broke my bail terms again by writing to the two former aides on Facebook and she did not want me roaming the streets for days in order to avoid the pigs, so she had me going into the park to get me cornered and I never knew she had rang them up, of course. So they come with a van and that was that. A day later, I went back to the slammer. Sure, she come into jail to see me but she was not the one stuck in there for 17 days. Well, actually it was 31 days combined, if you counted my first stay in there.

Really - I told that autism agency around something like 9324 times it seems, that I could have gotten another chance with them much sooner to prove the past misdeeds could be corrected and then (hopefully) we could have all let bygones be bygones, instead of giving me that spin about how they 'need to protect their staff' because the big bad Peter is being a weirdo towards others. That being me, obviously.

My life just feels trashed and it hurts me to know the very people I depend upon would subject me to all this patter. My confidence is gone. It is never coming back (just like the two support workers I spoke of before). Hell, I have to go get fillings at the dentist in the morning. That should be fun and anxiety provoking, too.

But in all seriousness, my life is so very obscure and lonely now, that I can hardly piece together all the ins and outs of what actually occurred and why any more. And my mate keeps pestering me about playing pool all the time. I really cannot be bothered to become that committed to anything now because of my nervous state of mind. It is hard to resist seeking out those caregivers, but I know if I do that it will be a fruitless pursuit, not to mention a foolish move, if not a total waste of my time (which is the least of my concerns).

Peter.

I'm sorry you're going through all this. I wish I had good advice other than "go play pool with your mate."

Playing pool gives you the chance to be amongst people. It's a hell of a lot better than being holed up in a stuffy room!

Perhaps this particular pool day might be the start of your redemption!

It was actually the start of mine!

I was depressed for a couple of years over this girl who followed me home, wanted to make love to me, was disappointed, then spurned me.

One day, I just decided: screw it! I went into a bar to play pool. They had Tina Turner's "What's Love got to do with it" playing on the jukebox. I just decided to play pool (not too well) and chat up the people. This was the beginning of my new life as an adult, away from the hurt which this girl caused me.

Be grateful she was not this Laura bird I know. She was a pure money grabber when we hung out and yet, love can fool you in ways you never imagined it could, because even after all she put me through, I can still say I love her loads (sort of).

Money grabbers are among the worst people there are, second only to murderers and drug addicts. You do get them, unfortunately. It sounds like you and I dated the same chick, man.

However, I do like pool very much and I have a snooker competition on Saturday which ought to be good fun, considering I have not practiced at snooker for ages and might get whipped as a result!