Cold Realities - A Rant

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Weird thing happened today. I got on the wrong bus (I got disoriented and took the right number going in the wrong direction.) So I found myself headed downtown, to where I had absolutely no errands to run. I decided to accept this situation as it was a nice day and I would look around the shops downtown. So I make a beeline for the independent pet store which I try to visit when I get the chance. (Found a great collar at 80% off.) Well seconds after I arrive my step-mother walks in. I haven't seen her since the summer. We are not that close, although we've always been cordial. My father passed away five years ago.

Okay ... background (stick with me, it comes together...) Just yesterday my aunt called me from out of province. Hadn't spoken to her in even longer. (She is my father's sister.) So my aunt told me yesterday that my step-mother is seeing a new fella. I'm glad she told me, because otherwise I wouldn't have known. I think my step-mother doesn't want to broach this subject with me as she thinks I may be upset. (Which I totally am not - she is was much younger than my father and has a lot of life left in her.)

Anyway I asked her today if she was going away for the holidays. (She likes to travel.) She said yes, that she was going south with a friend (wouldn't tell me where...I can only imagine [she and my father had a lot of money, which she has now.]) Well I figure this must be the guy, so I wait, but nothing. I considered asking, but really it is none of my business. I guess it might have been a bit much to have this discussion in a pet store, but really it is no big deal to me. But she has always been private. So be it.

But then she said, "I might as well go away, I have no family here." This hurt. I had always considered her family, but I guess this is not the case.

I wished her well, but can't help feeling a bit of a loss as I realize how she views our relationship. I think I live in illusions sometimes, in the past. Bit of a rude awakening.

That's harsh. I hope she reflects and considers how it would have made you - or anyone - feel. Maybe that is too much to hope. People can be so selfish and by her attitude I can see why your contact is limited.

On a brighter note, I was a bit inquisitive and had a look at your blog linked in your profile. It's thought provoking and well written - please keep it going!

Usually when people say "I have family here" they're talking about their parents and/or children, and sometimes siblings and their families. Cousin/niece/nephew connections are sometimes close, but usually not very unless the whole family's there, not enough to keep someone in a place. So while it was a bit insensitive I'm sure she'd be very surprised if she knew you thought of her as close. I wouldn't take it hard -- it doesn't mean she doesn't regard you as a family member.

Yeah, she has always been self-centered. So was my Dad.



Thanks! I will.



I suppose.

The whole incident caused a meltdown from which I am starting to recover from now. In retrospect I think she was referring to her parents and siblings. It just touched a nerve.

I sorta with the OP woulda asked her, "why don't you consider ME 'family'?"

The damage was already done. She might have said she considered me family, if confronted. (Or maybe not.) So confrontation would have resulted in placation or attack. Neither is useful to me. It is what it is.

I would be insulted. Even for a second cousin this would be rude. I consider aunt, uncle, niece, nephew, grandparents if not technically immediate family pretty emotionally the same thing.

Sorry for what happened. I believe this was an unintentional omission on her part. I'm thinking, perhaps, you should have asserted your place in her life.

Well I'm sure that would have made her feel better. However, I've had enough s**t thrown in my face to know not to bother to try to turn it into roses anymore.

She can go f**k herself.

I really don't understand the point of choosing to misread people when all it does is make you feel terrible. You've already said she was probably talking about her parents and sibs, which is normal. Why be hostile towards her now?

What I meant--is that you have to assert your place in the family--be forceful with her.

You have a fine brain. People should know that you have a fine brain.

I have to do the same thing with my brother. My brother thinks I'm a raving ret*d. He'll never respect me unless I knock him down with a few punches.

You have to assert your viability with people who don't think you're viable.

Here's another take....

I've known my inlaws since I was 19. I'm 50 now. I don't consider them family, as I would my sister or brother. If I divorced my husband, I probably would never see them again, unless it was to take our child to see them.

They want me to call them mom and dad. They are not my parents, and never put much effort into our relationship. I call them by their first names. We are friendly, but friendly doesn't equally much more than politeness.

I don't consider my BIL, SIL or even nieces and nephews family.

They are relatives related by marriage.

Doesn't mean I don't love them. (Some days more than others), and care that their lives are well. We just don't have much more than a superficial stuff in common.

It didn't seem like you had a close, constant relationship with your step mom.. And I'll be frank, if I don't hear from someone more than twice a year, and that's excluding weddings and funerals, we really don't have a relationship. My inlaws are just on the border of aquintances.

My Aspie husband confuses friendships and the level of commitment all the time. If someone acts *nice*, they are a friend. That is so not true. He though his coworkers were friends (no). Because his siblings are polite, he thinks they care about him. No. They ignore him about 350 days out of the year, and throw him an attention bone on holidays and celebrations that you need to bring a gift.

Polite doesn't mean friends, and related by marriage doesn't automatically mean family. Now if your step mom raised you as a small child, had day in and day out contact with you, and she said the above, I would be hurt. Sounds like Dad remarried when you were out of the house, doing your own thing. I could see where she would think you aren't considered *her* family.

Where I live family means spouse by marriage, children, and your blood relatives. I have friends who have numerous step brothers and sisters.They don't consider them family unless they share a parent in common genetically.

Sorry such a lovely day was wrecked. I loved visiting Kingston.

Well I don't think I'm choosing to misread her. And I don't think she intended to hurt me. The incident has made me aware of where she is at with our relationship.
Apologies for my outburst. She's actually a very nice person.



Really? I just accept their judgment. Perhaps I will rethink this.



My parents split up when I was four years old and my Mom brought me from Quebec to Ontario-a nine hour drive away. I saw my Dad a couple of times a year and for a week in the summers. My Dad remarried when I was 10 years old. We didn't live in the same city again until 15 years ago when I moved to Kingston, where my Dad and step-mom had relocated to. He died of cancer 5 years ago.
I think I have a lot of illusions because my life is so empty. For forty years I've been trying to pretend that my father is a part of my life, but he never really was.

I think this is really good advice, but it's hard.

I often find when I am situations like the one described, that I become almost mute.

I just don't know what to say or how to react and I am sort of left thinking over and over: "did she just say that I am not family? What does that mean? Is she mad at me because of the breakup with dad?" and so on. It will usually be hours later and much too late that I conclude that I should have said something like, "I've always considered you family and hoped the feeling was mutual."

It's been 4 days now and I still haven't figured out what to say. lol There was no way I could have processed the implications of the comment on the scene.