Sandwich Generation

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This is the term for people who are caring for their children and their elderly parents at the same time. Usually it applies to people in their 50s who have kids in high school. Unfortunately for me, my parents had me late in life. So, I am in my thirties with two young children (one with HFA) and a mom with Alzheimer's and a dad who is mostly okay in the head but has a lot of bowel problems. I only have one (semi-estranged) sibling, but a lot of other relatives who like to come around and complain to me that I need to do this and that and the other thing for my parents.
As an undiagnosed-but-very-probable Aspie myself, I am overwhelmed and don't have anyone other than my husband with whom to discuss this, so that's why I'm making this thread. Feel free to post your own similar experiences and advice.
Today, for example, my dad pooed on the floor and my mom stepped in it and then refused to change her pants. When I left their house (I don't live with them, thank god) she was still walking bits of it around the house. Tomorrow I'm going to try to arrange a nurse or something for them, but I am nervous of phones and I don't know what I'm doing. I'm also worried because they have piles of mail lying about and I'm worried the health worker might steal their bank information. Is that a legitimate concern? Like I said, I have NO IDEA what I'm doing, and all my relatives are pressuring me. They have even called Adult Protective Services twice, but those people said the situation is okay.
Please anyone who's gone through this respond with whatever thoughts pop into your mind. I have an aunt who thinks I should clean my mom's arse because that's what she did with her dad. I know some people go that route, but I am not able to deal with that.
Sorry about the jumbled nature of this post. It's a stream of consciousness.

So I was looking at a support website for the families of people with Alzheimer's, and it did not make me feel better. The people there were all, "I love rubbing lotion into mom's legs". I cannot identify with that sentiment AT ALL. I find it super creepy, in fact. I also noticed that almost all the carers are daughters, while the sons are convieniently in another state or too busy to help. I am NOT getting roped into this just because I have a vagina.

freakin' out

its a shame that your relatives who have experience with this are not helping.

Sorry your relatives are jackasses.

Don't feel bad about not being able to do it. I tried to take care of my stepmom (in about the same position-- 32, 3 kids, no help whatever) and couldn't. I loved doing it (yeah you know I'm crazy like that) but there wasn't enough of me to go around. Balls were falling left and right and it was only a matter of time until the ball I dropped would have been a person.

MAKE THE PHONE CALL. Forget the manners-- just lay the situation out. You need a visiting caregiver, you need one to come EVERY DAY.

You really need to get your mom into a nursing home. Trust me-- do it NOW, while she still has some degree of functionality and self-control. My aunt and cousins and I kept Grandma home until she was bedridden and screaming for her mommy to come get her-- NO ONE WILL TAKE THEM THEN. Farther note: That black-box warning on adults with dementia and antipsychotics?? Take it with UTMOST SERIOUSNESS. The stupid family doctor put Grandma on 'em-- my aunt didn't know any better, and no one would listen to me. That was NOT PRETTY.

You ABSOLUTELY MUST HAVE a durable power of attorney. Medical and legal. You've heard about all the s**t that went down with my stepmom once her sisters got ahold of her. They were the same kind of relatives-- the kind that criticize and complain about what you do or don't, but think they're the right hand of God Himself if they lift a finger.

I'm sure some visiting caregivers do steal information. Certainly there must be a reason why everyone looks askance at them and whispers, "You know they steal."

They say the same thing about aides in nursing homes.

You know what, though?? Everyone I know says they steal...

...but I don't know anyone that it's actually happened to. While I'm sure it does happen, and obviously you need to be watching bank statements for suspicious charges and keeping an eye out for disappearing possessions, I think the alleged frequency of caregiver thefts is more a product of paranoia (not to mention the fact that they're working with vulnerable, paranoid people and their vulnerable, paranoid, distraught relatives) than a reality.

So, I made an appointment to meet with someone from a home care agency at my parents' house later this week.
I hope the whole house doesn't still smell like a toilet when they get there.

Part of the problem with my mom is that she doesn't want to wash in any way. Not her hair, not her teeth, nothing. And she won't change her clothes - she wears the same thing for about a month at a time. She gets mad and starts yelling that you want to "kill the babies" if you even try to talk her into changing. She also hasn't seen a doctor in ages because that's another thing she won't do, so we don't have any meds to calm her down.
We would need meds to get her to the doctor to get the meds.

I dunno. I may start visiting my parents in the middle of the week, when I'm less likely to run into other relatives.

I buy my parents' groceries, and my dad will not eat anything except cookies and microwave sandwiches. I sometimes buy other foods, but they sit in the fridge until they go bad. Then I have to throw them out because he will not. One of the relatives brought over a huge fruit basket. They think my parents' poor diet is my fault, but it isn't. I'm going to let that basket sit in the kitchen until it rots away, so they can see what happens when you bring them healthy things they don't want.

I can so relate.

My sister and I took care of my mom from ages 25-40, then she died.

Horrible.

It was worse in the 1990s. Not that now is so terrific.

Mom was a totally bed ridden, and nursing homes are no bonus either. I swear they had our number on speed dial as mom was not demented and abusive.

And our relatives let us twist in the wind. No one helped, even when we asked.

We basically put everything on hold, and mom was not grateful, happy or pleasant. So I took care of someone who hated my guts.

I do feel the same way about the care givers groups. Back then, it was all hospice support. The patients only lived maybe a year? My mom lived 15.

I feel for you. I wouldn't wish that situation on my worse enemy.

I hate relatives who selectively ignore the fact that you have your own family to take care of as well. They'll happily tell you what you're doing wrong but won't put their apparent higher wisdom in action and come and look after them themselves.

This will probably be me in about 15 years time with my mother, as I'm the only family child left in town. My brothers live interstate and one has a family now. He'll probably be the first to criticise me when it comes to looking after her yet on the other hand be the one that never visits.

Good book: The 36-Hour Day. Helped, I won't say a lot, but some. Nothing helps a lot, but understanding where they're coming from with some of the truly outlandish s**t does make it easier to get them clean and semi-fed. Empathy for the position you're in, too-- leave a copy around for your f*****g relatives.

A nursing home will not let you get on with your life. You will be there so often you will think you are a resident. There will be days when all you do is shower, grab some McFood, and the rest of the day goes to the nursing home.

The difference?? You got to shower and eat. You get a decent night's sleep 85% of the time. Someone else has to shovel them into and out of the shower. Someone else is responsible for their meals-- and if they don't eat it, it's not your fault. You're not the one getting reported to Protective Services when your relatives get a bug up their butts.