Suffering from Asperger's Syndrome and self-loathing

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I have a lot of my mind and I'm sick of it. For once, I just want to stop thinking so I can have a moment of peace where I'm not worrying about everything beating myself up for being an anti-social nerd with people issues. Some nights when I'm sleeping, I wish that I don't wake up the next day, everyday is a struggle with me. I can never be at peace with myself, I'm always having huge mental arguements with myself where I beat and abuse myself because I'm different than everyone else.

I hate myself because I'm autistic and I think everyone either ignores and makes fun of me behind my back because of it.

I hate myself because I think I'll never be able to live up to the kind of people my brothers are (My two older brothers are in the Navy, my little brother is on the track team, and I'm stuck writing stories on a computer trying to get published).

I hate myself because I think my parents are ashamed of the fact I'm autistic and nothing like my brothers.

I hate myself because I always have to ask people how I'm doing to make sure I'm doing it right

I hate myself when I don't get something right the first time.

I hate myself because I worry so much about other things happening in my life (some that don't even involve me at all)

I hate myself because I'm not as fit as my brothers are

I hate myself because I'm not as strong as my brothers are

I hate myself because I'm spineless and never face up against the people who tease me

I hate myself because I let my emotions run wild from time to time

I hate myself because I shoulder so much of my problems and responsibilities without asking for help

I try my hardest not to ask for help because I think I'll be needy if I do and it's killing me inside

I probably developed this internal abuse ever since I went to high school. I went to a special-needs school, and I was constantly praised for being mature and intelligent, but that didn't stop kids from making fun of me. It got really bad in my later years of high school before I graduated, they would make fun of me because I was quiet and because I had Asperger's Syndrome. High school's behind me and I'm currently in college working towards a Bachelor's degree in Creative Writing, but I'm much more closed off when it comes to other students. I don't trust people my age anymore because there's a part of me that thinks they'll make fun of me again like they did in high school. As much as I want a normal life, I know I'll never have one because I made too many walls to protect myself from other people (that would probably explain why I'm so lonely even when I'm around other people).

I'm currently seeking a counselor but I'm worried that he'll take advantage of me. I don't trust people as much as I don't trust myself, I had to learn to act normal from observing and watching other people. Some days I feel so alone that I don't even leave my house because I'm afraid of the world and how it'll treat me. Sometimes I think I'm unworthy of the love and respect I get from other people because I feel like I'm a burden to everyone.


Why can't I love myself?

<hugs> been there many times, and know it sucks.

Eventually you just accept your fallibilities and move on. It's not a conscious decision--it just happens..

Sometimes it helps to focus on others. I work with an autistic fellow who is further on the spectrum than myself. He seems to be accustomed to being talked down to, even though I can tell he's pretty sharp. I'll bet he's been through more than I ever will, and then it seems silly to feel sorry for myself.

Not meant to dismiss what you feel. Just remember perspective is everything.

If there's some sort of light at the end of this tunnel, I sure as hell can't find it. I've been dealing with this for practically my whole life. I tried changing perspectives and that never helped me. I tried to be patient and that never helped me.

"Why can't I love myself?"

You sort of answer that in your opening post: because you are not recognizing or noticing the qualities in yourself that you could value and respect if you saw them in another. Maybe you don't know yourself and your strengths well enough yet.

Maybe you are not noticing because you are in a low mood where those channels of thought are inaccessible right now. You have plenty of time to work things out. Get the rest you need and stay in touch with the people who love you, and WP, and anyone who can see your best qualities. Ask them to tell you what your best qualities are. But only do this with people who are capable of emotional care and who feel good to be around, people who help to fill up your emotional tank with good feelings.

Maybe talk anonymously to a helpline to vent your frustrations - they know how to listen without judging.
It helps to get things off your chest when these bleak times blast us off course.

I hate my emotions with such a burning passion because they always get in the way of my progress. I wish I could just ignore them all. They get in the way and make my fear of dying alone, unloved, and a failure more possible with every passing meltdown. I end up taking five steps back. Part of me sees it as a reminder that no matter how hard I try, I'll never make a difference and I'll never get better.

I've been where you are - still struggle with that stuff. You're not your emotions. They are there to serve you, not control you. They are trying to tell you that there are things you need to address - pay attention to. You're not your brothers, maybe let your parents know that in an understanding way. Let yourself know that it's okay that you're not like your brothers and that's okay. It doesn't make you any less because of it.

I know it's difficult, though your emotions are there to help you grow as a person. And you already know that growth is painful. imagine how strong you'll be and feel as you accept how you feel about yourself, as you learn who you are and accept yourself for the unique individual you are. Acknowledging your emotions, using them, instead of being used by them, will make you who you want to be and who you're supposed to be. Be brave!

I'm aware of my talents and my friends and family tell me how much of a great person I am, but there's always this small part of me that thinks I'm making them suffer because of my stupidity. My mom says there are still options left for me, but part of me feels I'm broken beyond repair; part of me feels I'll never be able to live a normal life.

But-19 said: Maybe talk anonymously to a helpline to vent your frustrations - they know how to listen without judging.
It helps to get things off your chest when these bleak times blast us off course.

Maybe you should do as Bad-19 says - just vent.

As for broken? Not having a normal lie? Concentrate on YOU. Having a life that makes you feel whole/unbroken, whatever that is. Your life will become what it should be for YOU, maybe not in comparison to others, but those are THEIR lives. Make your life what you want it to be and try to forget about if it's "normal" compared to others. Whatever their "normal" is. Be strong.

Brung, thank you, I love being Bad19 - that's made my day

Oops! Auto correct on my smartphone. At least it didn't add a second T! And then Bad?! Badass19, huh?