Well, where do I begin.
This morning I had a major paranoia breakdown, like goddamn. One personality trait that I've developed is paranoia, and I'll tell you right now I'm an extremely paranoid person. Not only that, but I'm incredibly cynical. There have been times where it has not been so, but alas, various events in my life have had me reverted back to my usual paranoid self. I chose not to go to school because honestly the school leadership thing there creeps the living hell out of me. I don't want to be in that environment anymore where narcissism, false popularity and hell, arguably, even false prophets are promoted. f**k that.
My entire brain went on this whole delusion of the oppression of autistic people and such and I was incredibly paranoid this morning about the government going to launch a genocide against autistic people. Hell, I even had a nightmare recently a person who looked like my SpED teacher was chasing me down through an urban ghetto neighborhood. Honestly though, I'm still legitimately concerned about the treatment of non-NT people (ASD+Schizotypal) in 10-20 years, the increase of special education and our oppression getting worse. I take a radical point of view, so beware.
Winter is never a good time for me but overall I'm going through another depression. I need a new start and it seems on the surface a lot of things aren't going for me. I'd really love to be out of school, have a job, make my own money, and just in general take full control of my life. I don't want to be in that hellish environment anymore. I'm not sure I can withstand any of it. It doesn't help that I feel ugly at the same time to. I want to get a lot of goals accomplished.
To say the least:
*Most of my friends are online. I have only a few close personal friends.
*My paranoia has helped kill off friendships; not that they were good ones anyway, in hindsight they were shitty and dysfunctional and staying in them would've made things worse
*I feel ugly. I have acne and I want to change my diet so I can completely avoid dairy, vegetable oils, gluten, and other foods but alas not having a job/income prevents me from having 100% control over this regard.
*I hate school. Nuff said.
*I feel incredibly stigmatized.
*I don't know where I fall on the spectrum, and if I even do (look below)
*No real romantic prospects at the moment, but I've had a bad experience in this too; a result of the NT-dominated world
*I'm tired of the narcissistic toxic popularity rat race that re-enforces my position in high school as a young autistic male with very little hope of progressing in it; it's a double-edged sword and I'll have to take the blow till graduation
*I've honestly been chronically depressed since 2005, due to a lot of life stuffs
(Also, as a general note, my behavior over the past years has made it somewhat indistinguishable as to whether I have Asperger syndrome, autism, schizophrenia, bipolarism or a schizotypal disorder; my mental health is a really jaded picture, and honestly the "accommodations" I've received at school have done jack s**t; I'd be better off homeschooled/unschooling)
06 Dec 2014, 3:44 am
