Trust Issues!

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Being able to trust those who have hurt you in the past or known to be deceptive prior to an incident can make for an awkward state of affairs. You may feel you absolutely cannot trust them or get close to them any longer, for fear they will stab you in the back, or not agree to disagree with you in a sense that they can handle your feelings with a bit more thought, in spite of their own outlook on the matter. This was what occurred in my life all throughout 2014.

It should not always be the case that they will misunderstand me and think I am weird, selfish, lazy or unwilling to try new activities. However, it can actually take a lot of courage to work on trust and be talkative to a new support worker who has just entered your presence, so if someone is invited into your little world and stamps on your trust, that is like someone purposefully removing the very glue that holds your world together and it could be the case your world is not very big anyway. You may end up wounded, in an emotional way.

Well, I have asked for some support shifts for this upcoming week, but I do not want the Autism Initiatives agency to think we are on 'good terms' again, because I fear that will remain otherwise. These are just meant to be minor shifts mainly to assist me in delivering items back to my flat, in case I can go back there on 19 December, and I do not see why I should not be able to. Then if I have to move out because of the law, that would be annoying, not to mention a massive slap in the face. Although it has to be expected when dealing with a dog in the courtroom.

Of course, the support workers would have to carry the bags down the street and up the stairs for me to go into my accommodation because I am legally banned from entering that street until the judge says otherwise. I may even sarcastically stick one foot on the pavement there and quip a joke about it, then no doubt they would grass on me or at the very least, fail to see the funny side of me doing something like that.

In all seriousness, however - I do not think I have a future with that company, because of how they approached my situation with the two female caregivers. Sure, there are other support agencies I could turn to, like The Action Group, but would you really want to severe ties with a company you felt you bonded with once, knowing it turned out so horrible? Doubt it would be the case, but then one remembers all the things like the lying, the trips to jail, and the betrayal, and how that is not easily forgotten about nor forgiven, especially because they will not even attempt to undo their mistakes. In my opinion, I think they are now using that as a good excuse not to bother making amends. To me, the magical answer to all of my anguish seems to be to get those two women back on my team and all of the past crap will hopefully have no relevance any more.

To be honest, maybe I ought to just ban all neurotypical parties from my life. That way, they cannot accuse me of being creepy, acting like a stalker, or making them feel uncomfortable. Sadly, they make up the majority of our questionable excuse for a society we live in today, so maybe I should resign myself to my fate and realize I really am screwed now, and that maybe being alone is not such a bad thing any more, because at least being alone blocks out any possibility of being mistreated by those that are too ignorant or just unable to accept that my traits are totally different from theirs.

If something is not meant to be, it is not meant to be, so to speak. So I would rather just retire and live on welfare benefits for the rest of whenever, trying to enjoy life by myself, rather than be mucked around by the very people I care about, but who failed to understand me before. For if you truly love somebody enough, you will let him or her go.

What do the other users think of my predicament? Do you think maybe I have just lost my groove or something? What could I do to reignite the small flames burning out within me? And no, drinking lighter fuel does not count. Ha-ha.