Dealing with Rejection

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Something puzzles me ... I wonder why it is that when men are romantically rejected, they start bad-mouthing the person who rejected them, calling them every name in The Book, and so forth. This makes them look like jerks, of course.

Yet when women are romantically rejected, they seem to internalize it more, compose page after page of rambling emo free verse, commiserate with their friends, and end up being comforted and loved by all concerned.

If these observations are valid (which they might not be), would the behavioral differences be the result of "Nature" or "Nurture"?

Just curious that's all ...

I could be wrong, and please correct me if I am, but I think its all about conformity codes.

Guys are "expected" to carry themselves a certain way and so are women.

Once we learn to stop placing "obligations," "standards," or "expectations" on each other, we can grow like a tree and become better humans.

So you are saying "Nurture", right?

I would argue that nurture plays a big role. Men are expected to be independent, in control of their emotions, and most of all adaptable. Whining and complaining about being hurt by rejection is a display of weakness. Women are allowed to be weak and vulnerable and men aren't. So men try to cover up their hurt feelings with anger and lash out because they think it makes them look tough but it doesn't usually work.

Yeah, that's the issue. Its a complete double standard to men. I hate expectations because they force us into a place of no return. We either go all or nothing. Society's way of thinking needs to change, drastically....

And here in the USoA, 5 times as many men commit suicide as women. Now it is true that women are more likely to attempt suicide but they often do so with methods that are deliberately ineffective as it is a cry for help.

I think I remember reading a study a while ago that said that women do generally deal with rejection better. The reasoning that they gave was that women typically have a stronger social support network of friends and family that they can talk about things like this with, and it helps them get through it easier. Whereas with men, they don't typically have as many people that they can confide in, so they internalize their emotions more, potentially leading to the type of actions you describe since they can't find another outlet for their feelings.

As someone who has dealt with a lot of rejection, both romantically and employment-wise, I can say that a single rejection is basically a non-issue for me, it's a fact of life. It's repeated rejection over time that can really be frustrating, since it feels like you're trapped in a cycle with no clear way out (especially if you aren't given an honest reason for the rejection, which you seldom are). I've never gotten angry/lashed out or anything over a rejection though...it has just made me feel frustrated sometimes.

Wow. Didn't know that being bitter and turning anti-feminist was a societal expectation on men. I learn everyday. I would have thought that societies expectation would have been more along the lines of....oh well, no biggie. No

Can't say as I've ever been rejected by a man I had designs on. I only just realised that has been the case, and also I've almost always gotten every single job I've ever applied for too. Okay.....so beginning to think my life is a bit god-touched right now. Even though I typically feel a bit shite about it. Yeah weird.

But then again my taste in men runs completely counter to popular opinion that it could just be they are simply happy for the attention rather than particularly interested in me per se. And it's not as if I've gone for CEO of Apple when it comes to jobs either. Again my seeming good fortune could be a product of my not reaching very high therefore assuring myself of a positive outcome.

Back to the question. I think it's nurture personally. I took a lot of rejection from pretty much the age of walking and I am still constantly rejected by my peers. So I've had a lot of practice at brushing it off. It does still get to me at times but I keep that private and just sort it out on my own. My last real friend was about age 7, and I never had other good friends since. Around my teens I got rebellious and was so intent on sticking it to em, that rejection became a badge of honour for me. Didn't want to be part of the cool kids because I was too busy being me. And then I went all antagonistic teenaged angst for years.

I really think this is where I learnt to brush off the daily rejection of me as a person. I had to. I had no choice and very few people skills at that age. I either became bullet-proof or I would wilt and die on the vine. I am a constant survivor, I always pull through and I think tenacity is definately my nature, but if I had a more normal kid experience of a circle of friends I think I would be a more emotionally neurotic person than I am today. If nothing else my formative years helped me grow a thick skin and not internalise others disdain for me.

Um, how is that antifeminist? Gee....I thought feminists believe in equality between the sexes and that patriarchy can be just as harmful to men as women by putting unrealistic expectations on members of both sexes and encouraging men to suppress their feelers. Now I just learned something new today.

Erm, anyway, I tend to do the typical female thing I guess: internalizing most of the emotion and confiding in friends (who are probably sick of hearing about it, but I can't really help myself.)

Edit: Never mind, I understand now. I guess it's not this way for everyone, but in my case it's just 'nature'.

Internalizing rejection, particularly if you're male, is likely to make you the subject of ridicule. This has a positive feedback effect because it makes you feel worse and worse.........until either your luck changes or you off yourself. Women can get away with this because when they internalize rejection, people are sympathetic to them. Externalizing rejection makes you look bad but it is very cathartic. The trick is to do it in such a way that you can get away with it and not have permanent aftereffects that ruin your chances in the future. If you're male, the only socially acceptable option is to pretend like it doesn't affect you at all.

I would say "Nurture". I think society expects a man to not respond to rejection with passivity. I think women growing up in an abusive household come to believe that anything that goes wrong is their fault. I don't know much about men but many rejected women don't have anyone to talk to and let themselves go and are looked upon with disdain by all concerned. I was watching a "Hoarders" marathon and many on that show started hoarding after a divorce.

You thought wrong. Men ARE expected to respond to rejection with passivity and act like it doesn't effect them at all. Displaying a strong emotional response to rejection, either lashing out in anger or moping about in the hopes of obtaining sympathy from others perceived as weakness on a mans part. And nothing is worse than weak man in the eyes of society; especially women.

Women can get away with anything......including murder. Unless they murder their own child.

It's best not to question this type of thing because all it'll do is draw ire from women. Although I do recall bringing up this exact point once and getting slammed all over the place for it.

And people of course blame the patriarchy. This is one of the only things the patriarchy cannot be blamed for, since it's women who instigated this rule. And it's women who oftentimes bring it up and follow it to a T. I can count the number of times on one hand when other men have told me that it was weak to show feelings.......women, on the other hand, would take me the entire region of Asia to show you how many times I've been told I was weak because I showed any feelings (whether positive or negative).

Once again, the whole "men are supposed to be soulless automatons who make money and have talents" thing comes into play.

I've had some tell me before that when dealing with rejection, it's best to be practical about it and just wish the person well and go on your own way. If you're the type that reacts poorly to rejection, it shows a guy who may be unstable with their emotions which turns off people even further.

As for women having support systems and men not... well... the saying "women like to talk" is true. And for everyone, we tend to trust people who are more practical and will simply just listen when we choose to talk to them about something bothering us. I wouldn't trust someone I know will go out and tell others what my problem is, or will overreact, or try and give me solutions to my problems. If the person can simply listen and do nothing, it makes the person that much more trustworthy.

If you are a grownup and you've been rejected, you are expected to behave like in a civilized manner -- whether you're male or female. Keep it together at work, save the crying/complaining/drinking too much for your off hours - that's the minimum behavioral standard.

I think anybody who gets dumped gets a whole bunch of sympathy/casseroles/comforting from friends in the immediate aftermath of the breakup (regardless of whose "fault" it was)... but after that is to be gently, truthfully told to stop wallowing. They're certainly entitled to wallow but pointing out doing so doesn't seem to be working for them is fair game.

And I've absolutely told a (very) close friend that it sucks that she's heartbroken C dumped her, but he did and thus he can bring NewGirl as his date, it's not "wrong" or "cheating" and she needs to stop with the badmouthing of both of them. And had close friends do the same for me.