Ladies, wouldn't that bother you? (A bomb question)
The_Face_of_Boo
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Let's say you have realized that you were the only option for your current bf/husband, probably because you were the only one who said yes to his asking out (while he asked out many before), or you were the only one (or besides very very few) who replied to his message on dating site/app (while he messaged 100s), wouldn't that bother you?
Wouldn't bother you that the real main reason why he went to a first date with you was because he had not much of other options, and probably would have not picked you if he had 100 options willing to date him in his surrounding or in his web dating's inbox?
Because you know, I see it happening a lot with guys on dating site, they seem to date anyone who have replied them out of the 100s they messaged.
And it's know, that many of you ladies had a lot of suitors/admirers and you had to filter a lot to pick your guy, wouldn't bother he if your picked guy didn't go through a similar process?
BOOM!
Think well before replying.
No it doesn't bother me at all that you have a negative view of dating sites. I don't frequent them and have never found a partner that way.
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Aspergers - Because God wanted me to do something at work other than update my Facebook.
Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 161 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 39 of 200
You are very likely neurodiverse.
Honestly? It only bothers me if the guy then rejects me for what seems to be a silly reason. Then I feel used.
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"My personal tragedy will not interfere with my ability to do good hair." - Steel Magnolias
Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 159 of 200
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You are very likely neurodiverse (Aspie)
BetwixtBetween
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androbot01
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nerdygirl
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What, precisely, am I supposed to be bothered about? That he's settling? That it's a “sad” reason for a first date? That his “filter system” is slightly more subtle? Because, unless a dude literally sends messages at complete random or never sends out any first messages ever, he's filtering who he shoots a message to. So, he did technically filter. It's just a system that gets less scrutiny for some reason.
I was thinking about this earlier today being on the guy's side of the issue and a few thing came to mind (experience and observation based)
- When I decided to date my gf, I remember talking to several women at the time. My gf met one of these ladies and we are still acquainted with this girl though mutual friends. I did have to pick between the two and considerations went into the fact that I knew my gf better (I met her prior to meeting this acquaintance) and had already been enjoying nights out with her. I was already certain of my feelings towards her when the new friend came along. This acquaintance and I never went on a date, and she never wanted to be friends with the gf either. It also helps that i never slept with anyone I was talking with at that point either.
-Prior to that (and I have discussed this on these forums about 2 years ago), I got involved with this young girl who was cheating on her bf, and while I was talking with/seeing someone as well. I of course got too intimate with both. The cheater seemed interested as long a I had other people interested. The other person was not interested in that. I eventually came clean with the person I was seeing and we never talked to eachother again. I eventually realized that I should have left the cheater in the dust immediately after, but got suckered back in because of mutual friends.
Lesson learned here is don't sleep with multiple people because they are bound to find about eachother eventually. Best to just end the relationships and stop talking to anyone that is likely to cause problems would be my recommendation if anyone were to get caught in such a mess.
My points here: It seems from what I see that people may be interested in you more if there is proof that others like you too. Not referring to attraction or sexual interest, but have friends that can accept you dating others.
It also seems to me that people appreciate their partners more when they have to work to keep them. ie. Women less likely to appeeciate a man who says "I love you" too soon, while men are less likely to appreciate a woman who gives him sex too soon. I know it can work both ways here, but this is typically the way the gender roles play out from what I see in my life.
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Your Aspie score: 130 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 88 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie
Well of course it would be a hit to my self esteem/image knowing I was at the bottom of the barrel so to speak. If he messaged me and arranged a date I'd at least like to know he partly did so because he found some attractive qualities in me, and not solely because he's desperate and I'm the only option left. I think everyone deserves to be dated by someone who's interested in dating them for THEM. I thought one of the emotional goals of trying to find a GF/BF was to feel desired by someone. That goal goes hurtfully unfulfilled should you date someone who isn't genuinely interested in you.
The 50th girl (usually me) he messaged probably had the intuition to know she wasn't the first so she self-respectfully didn't reply, then we go on and on till he gets to the 100th girl who replies because she has poor self esteem in relation to her looks/social status/dateability and fill herself with false hope that someone may genuinely be interested in her. How hurt is she going to feel when she finds out that's not the case?
No, that doesn't seem like a dreadful thing at all. People keep telling me that it will only take one person to change your mind and make you want to settle down. If I was the only one to respond I must have responded for a reason, something must have made me want to talk to him.
If he stayed for a couple of years even though he didn't really even like me then I would be upset because I would feel used. Especially if I had fallen for him and he didn't feel the same way. That would hurt.
The_Face_of_Boo
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The 50th girl (usually me) he messaged probably had the intuition to know she wasn't the first so she self-respectfully didn't reply, then we go on and on till he gets to the 100th girl who replies because she has poor self esteem in relation to her looks/social status/dateability and fill herself with false hope that someone may genuinely be interested in her. How hurt is she going to feel when she finds out that's not the case?
Bingo blue_bean!! Bingo!! you are the first girl in this thread who got this right 100%.
And yes, it happens a lot in life and especially in dating sites, it is very possible that some women live their whole life without knowing this detail about their partners' past. Scary, it may be anyone of you ladies.
For example here on WP it's quite common to see males posting a thread something like: "A girl finally replied me on okc after months of messaging, what should I do?" - and yes, it might work, the two might keep dating.
You get the idea, it's quite sad for both parties you know, sad for the girl for being in the delusion of thinking that he "picked" her for her - and also sad for the guy who might end up with a girl he doesn't like much and picked her because..."she's better than nothing" because he virtually had no other choice.
androbot01
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This whole thread is sad...Boo, why don't you just ask blue_bean to twirl for you like Eugenie Bouchard?
Honestly, being desirable is an illusion. Sure in the beginning there might be lust, but once thats gone its all just contractual negotiations. Get over it. None of us are particularly desirable to anyone but our mothers.
The_Face_of_Boo
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Age: 41
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 32,886
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.
If he stayed for a couple of years even though he didn't really even like me then I would be upset because I would feel used. Especially if I had fallen for him and he didn't feel the same way. That would hurt.
Ahh hurtloam, btw how's your new boyfriend doing?
Yes, but that means the picking factor was one-sided: your side. You picked him because of some reason, while he "picked" you because you were simply the only one who responded to him, that's absolutely no equal reasons.
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That's why I find it's absolutely important for guys to become generally attractive to women so they can have more refined choices with who they want to end up, so they can really afford to CHOOSE the right one and not ending up with just any one, this can be especially hard on dating sites for many.
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