Ladies, wouldn't that bother you? (A bomb question)

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The_Face_of_Boo
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21 Jan 2015, 10:47 am

Let's say you have realized that you were the only option for your current bf/husband, probably because you were the only one who said yes to his asking out (while he asked out many before), or you were the only one (or besides very very few) who replied to his message on dating site/app (while he messaged 100s), wouldn't that bother you?

Wouldn't bother you that the real main reason why he went to a first date with you was because he had not much of other options, and probably would have not picked you if he had 100 options willing to date him in his surrounding or in his web dating's inbox?

Because you know, I see it happening a lot with guys on dating site, they seem to date anyone who have replied them out of the 100s they messaged.

And it's know, that many of you ladies had a lot of suitors/admirers and you had to filter a lot to pick your guy, wouldn't bother he if your picked guy didn't go through a similar process?

BOOM!

Think well before replying.



MjrMajorMajor
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21 Jan 2015, 11:40 am

I don't think it would bother me. The implication you seem to have is this person is grasping as his only option. That would be a problem, and would probably solve itself as any overdependency or desperation becomes apparent.



Echolalia
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21 Jan 2015, 4:35 pm

No it doesn't bother me at all that you have a negative view of dating sites. I don't frequent them and have never found a partner that way.


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yellowtamarin
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21 Jan 2015, 5:37 pm

It would bother me to learn that someone was dating me in order to have a partner, rather than because they really liked me. Regardless of the specific situation or circumstances this may occur in.



idlewild
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21 Jan 2015, 7:37 pm

Honestly? It only bothers me if the guy then rejects me for what seems to be a silly reason. Then I feel used.


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BetwixtBetween
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21 Jan 2015, 8:05 pm

No. If he were my husband, that would mean he was the right guy for me. If he were the right guy for me, and we were married, I'd just be happy. I would just consider myself one of the lucky ones. I wouldn't care how I found him or how he found me.



androbot01
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21 Jan 2015, 8:20 pm

So he only got one offer and presumably took it even though his heart wasn't in it, so is this a satisfying relationship for the woman? Could go either way, I think. I don't think its necessary for her to have won out over competitors.



KayteeKay
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21 Jan 2015, 8:55 pm

No, why would it?



nerdygirl
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21 Jan 2015, 9:37 pm

It doesn't matter how people find each other. It takes two people to keep a relationship going.



Rhapsody
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21 Jan 2015, 11:41 pm

What, precisely, am I supposed to be bothered about? That he's settling? That it's a “sad” reason for a first date? That his “filter system” is slightly more subtle? Because, unless a dude literally sends messages at complete random or never sends out any first messages ever, he's filtering who he shoots a message to. So, he did technically filter. It's just a system that gets less scrutiny for some reason.



aspiemike
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22 Jan 2015, 12:02 am

I was thinking about this earlier today being on the guy's side of the issue and a few thing came to mind (experience and observation based)

- When I decided to date my gf, I remember talking to several women at the time. My gf met one of these ladies and we are still acquainted with this girl though mutual friends. I did have to pick between the two and considerations went into the fact that I knew my gf better (I met her prior to meeting this acquaintance) and had already been enjoying nights out with her. I was already certain of my feelings towards her when the new friend came along. This acquaintance and I never went on a date, and she never wanted to be friends with the gf either. It also helps that i never slept with anyone I was talking with at that point either.

-Prior to that (and I have discussed this on these forums about 2 years ago), I got involved with this young girl who was cheating on her bf, and while I was talking with/seeing someone as well. I of course got too intimate with both. The cheater seemed interested as long a I had other people interested. The other person was not interested in that. I eventually came clean with the person I was seeing and we never talked to eachother again. I eventually realized that I should have left the cheater in the dust immediately after, but got suckered back in because of mutual friends.
Lesson learned here is don't sleep with multiple people because they are bound to find about eachother eventually. Best to just end the relationships and stop talking to anyone that is likely to cause problems would be my recommendation if anyone were to get caught in such a mess.

My points here: It seems from what I see that people may be interested in you more if there is proof that others like you too. Not referring to attraction or sexual interest, but have friends that can accept you dating others.

It also seems to me that people appreciate their partners more when they have to work to keep them. ie. Women less likely to appeeciate a man who says "I love you" too soon, while men are less likely to appreciate a woman who gives him sex too soon. I know it can work both ways here, but this is typically the way the gender roles play out from what I see in my life.


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blue_bean
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22 Jan 2015, 6:53 am

Well of course it would be a hit to my self esteem/image knowing I was at the bottom of the barrel so to speak. If he messaged me and arranged a date I'd at least like to know he partly did so because he found some attractive qualities in me, and not solely because he's desperate and I'm the only option left. I think everyone deserves to be dated by someone who's interested in dating them for THEM. I thought one of the emotional goals of trying to find a GF/BF was to feel desired by someone. That goal goes hurtfully unfulfilled should you date someone who isn't genuinely interested in you.

The 50th girl (usually me) he messaged probably had the intuition to know she wasn't the first so she self-respectfully didn't reply, then we go on and on till he gets to the 100th girl who replies because she has poor self esteem in relation to her looks/social status/dateability and fill herself with false hope that someone may genuinely be interested in her. How hurt is she going to feel when she finds out that's not the case?



hurtloam
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22 Jan 2015, 5:29 pm

No, that doesn't seem like a dreadful thing at all. People keep telling me that it will only take one person to change your mind and make you want to settle down. If I was the only one to respond I must have responded for a reason, something must have made me want to talk to him.

If he stayed for a couple of years even though he didn't really even like me then I would be upset because I would feel used. Especially if I had fallen for him and he didn't feel the same way. That would hurt.


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The_Face_of_Boo
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22 Jan 2015, 5:30 pm

blue_bean wrote:
Well of course it would be a hit to my self esteem/image knowing I was at the bottom of the barrel so to speak. If he messaged me and arranged a date I'd at least like to know he partly did so because he found some attractive qualities in me, and not solely because he's desperate and I'm the only option left. I think everyone deserves to be dated by someone who's interested in dating them for THEM. I thought one of the emotional goals of trying to find a GF/BF was to feel desired by someone. That goal goes hurtfully unfulfilled should you date someone who isn't genuinely interested in you.

The 50th girl (usually me) he messaged probably had the intuition to know she wasn't the first so she self-respectfully didn't reply, then we go on and on till he gets to the 100th girl who replies because she has poor self esteem in relation to her looks/social status/dateability and fill herself with false hope that someone may genuinely be interested in her. How hurt is she going to feel when she finds out that's not the case?


Bingo blue_bean!! Bingo!! you are the first girl in this thread who got this right 100%.

And yes, it happens a lot in life and especially in dating sites, it is very possible that some women live their whole life without knowing this detail about their partners' past. Scary, it may be anyone of you ladies.

For example here on WP it's quite common to see males posting a thread something like: "A girl finally replied me on okc after months of messaging, what should I do?" - and yes, it might work, the two might keep dating.

You get the idea, it's quite sad for both parties you know, sad for the girl for being in the delusion of thinking that he "picked" her for her - and also sad for the guy who might end up with a girl he doesn't like much and picked her because..."she's better than nothing" because he virtually had no other choice.



androbot01
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22 Jan 2015, 5:39 pm

This whole thread is sad...Boo, why don't you just ask blue_bean to twirl for you like Eugenie Bouchard?

Honestly, being desirable is an illusion. Sure in the beginning there might be lust, but once thats gone its all just contractual negotiations. Get over it. None of us are particularly desirable to anyone but our mothers.