What do you do when you find yourself unable to connect

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I want to know what everyone does when they find themselves unable to connect after they have started a relationship and have been in it for a while. I have the problem that when hard/stressful/negatively emotional times hit (not due to the relationship, from other sources) I can keep the momentum going for a while, but after about 3 or 4 months of enduring I shut down.

I end up needing a lot of alone time (having to rebuild myself from the ground up it seems like) and my ability to emotionally engage is gone, all the emotions just seem to not make sense anymore so my mind just ignores them. I know how I'm supposed to act, and interact, but since I don't feel it I get told that my partner doesn't even know if I want them around (when I feel like I'm acting the same as always). I become useless as emotional support, and pretty much can't stop myself from detaching to the point where I'm just existing. I go through the motions and go to work, care for myself, can talk to people, but anything more than the shallow interaction goes badly until I've got myself together.

I don't know how to make this work or sustain a relationship when I'm in this spot. And that's paired with the feeling that I'm doing my best, but the want or motivation to "fake it until I make it" is gone because my partner becomes an emotional blank to me, so I can never tell what's going on, so it's impossible to fake it (the times i've tried have gone frustrating and badly, and I've tried many times with many partners).

I also don't know how to explain to someone that's NT, "I can't feel anything for you or read anything from you, I just want to curl up and hide, and this has been going on for months. I don't want to break up for you, but I'm going to just exist near you until it's over and I'm okay again" and have it not go very poorly. And it's not really something you can rationally ask of someone, at least I don't see anyone likely to understand. The responses I've gotten from past partners is "You're just lazy" or "You're being hurtful on purpose" or "That's not AS". To tell the truth I can't delineate what's AS and what's just memories of past attempts and not wanting the same conversation again. Also since I'm sub clinical, and rather HF when I'm doing alright, people seem to forget (or don't know) that things can get really bad, and that I can't always stop it form happening.

Has anyone had this experience? Does anyone have anything that helped them?

I have to connect before I fall in love.

Assume the love was there, everything was fine, then life gets difficult and you get overwhelmed, and your connection disappears. You didn't fall out of love, you still care for the person, you just can't feel anything towards anyone. What do you do? Anyone?

I don't know, the connection helps me fall in love. I'm in love because I have that connection.

Okay. So if that connection breaks because you get overwhelmed and you slide back into all your worst aspie habits, does that mean you don't love them anymore? If you don't feel it for a while? Do you say sorry I don't love you and wish them a nice life, maybe give them a toaster as a parting gift? Even when you don't want to be apart from them?

My question is what to do to fix it or maintain until things get better. Or if that's what you do is say sorry and wish them well?

When I have a good friendship, I'm ecstatic that I have one and feel better about myself.

Okay, I'm glad that works for you, and that it makes you fell happy. So... do you have any input on what I actually asked? Because I really want to know what to do, preferably from someone who has experience this in a long term relationship or marriage. I'm not sure that you understand exactly what I'm asking, which is fine, if you haven't been there you wouldn't necessarily know what I meant.

I've been through this and it resulted in us breaking up so unfortunately I doubt I can help. My only suggestion would be, if you are living together, move out. That's just so that it isn't so obvious to both parties that the magic has (temporarily) gone. It won't be in your face all the time as you won't see each other so much. That might make it easier for your partner to hang around while you get through it.

You can't. "I love you but want nothing to do with you for an undefined number of months, it's not you, it's me" is the equivalent of "you're dumped" or "I'm such of mess that fleeing is the only sensible solution".

And finding someone willing to put up with your *^# stunts? Um, there's something SERIOUSLY wrong with that woman!!

Stunts... Um, okay, I'm pretty sure you read that wrong, and I'm not quite sure how to respond to your reply. If by stunts you mean not being able to realize that I've gone emotionally blank until it's too late, being so exhausted and incapable to engage after a day of work that before was a trivial thing that I can hardly bring myself to do anything but just sit and stare at a movie, or some other escapist activity and have this inability to cope of engage go on for months. Of not being able to express how I need space, but needing it all the same. Finding myself suddenly the equivalent of someone who has gone deaf in one ear and lost half of their vocabulary yet still is required to keep functioning and supporting their household and still somehow find the ability to magically overcome all this and be able to stack up as a partner. And you call that a stunt? Who in their right mind would chose to do that, like, oh great, I'm just going to cause my entire home life to implode now.... wow.

I'm starting to think I really came to the wrong place. I came to this forum hoping to find people to engage with and speak with about a common difficulty. Instead I get told that a partner would be crazy to be with me. What kind of carrion bird's wings do you expect that to be the wind b'neath.

Last try, does anyone have any strategies for establishing a connection with a neurotypical partner when, in times of prolonged and intense stress you find yourself overwhelmed (In a way more specific to AS. I'm sub-clinical but not but much, professionally diagnosed)? As my explanation said, you can't really just tell someone that you're emotionally checking out for some unspecified period, and I don't like the idea of losing my partner every time I get broken down by stress and pressure (had a marriage end because of the damage done by one of these periods), I'd rather learn some tools to head off the problem in the future. Thanks.

I understand exactly what you're saying, except that you seem maybe to have got further than I have as I've never really managed much of a relationship for pretty much these reasons. It's been the bane of my life really, how you can have strong feelings for someone, love them even, but not be able to express that in any way that they find believable because you have lost the connection in the way you describe, or even not be able to make the connection in the first place even though those feelings are there. It's very hard to explain this to partners or potential partners without it, as you say, going badly wrong. I've upset and hurt people through this too many times to consider trying again.

So unfortunately, to answer your question, no, I don't have anything that helps but I can empathise if that's any good.

I am not sure if the OP is still going through this but I have had this happen to me. I assumed that perhaps my friend was going through some type of depression. I want to be there for him but it hurts when I am giving my all and getting nothing in return.

I think it is best to admit there is a problem to yourself and to your partner. Then seek therapy. You have to be open to getting help.

I understand that my friend is not available now so I have to love him from afar.

I ordinarily avoid singling people out on a forum, but I would advise ignoring KayteeKay. Whether due to past trauma or personality quirks, she has a history of being passive-aggressive toward male posters, demeaning them with highly polarized accusations, and just flame-baiting in general. It's a shame, because she occasionally has a point (just not in this particular circumstance).

Now, that unpleasant business is out of the way.

I imagine there are many people on WP who can empathize, even if we don't all comment on your thread (such is the nature of a community of introverts). Unfortunately, this also means that most of us simply won't have a solution readily available for you - we haven't found something that works for us, either.

But I do want to ask, would you consider these incidents as depressive episodes? Mentally "shutting down" your emotions may simply be a means to cope, or could even hide the fact that you're miserable - whether due to stress, an existential crisis, what have you. It might be rote for you at this point, but I would recommend trying your damnedest to identify the signs as they set in: fatigue, numbness, a buzzing anxiety, maybe a certain pressure in your stomach. Recognizing these symptoms may not stop you from slipping into that pattern, but it could - perhaps - buy you a little time to prepare.

Personally, I find that drawing helps. Setting aside an afternoon (or several afternoons) to sketch and outline with nothing more than Radiohead or some other good CD on eases a bit of that tension - just enough to ensure I can handle another day at normal capacity.