Processing conversations too slowly

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Not sure if this is more of an ASD thing or an anxiety thing, but whatever it is, I'm having real trouble with it. To me conversation always seems extremely fast-paced and it's as if, by the time others would expect me to be finished with or well into replying, I'm still only just figuring out and "picking up" on what they mean without even having managed any kind of reaction to it yet. Usually I either end up saying something very generic and automatic to end the conversation as soon as possible because I just can't cope and know I'm going to shut down. This has happened with family, teachers, acquaintances, even a friend I considered very close online when we tried to talk face-to-face.

It's so discouraging and makes me feel hopeless. I know I come across as extremely unsociable and withdrawn and (to some) rude for not being able to respond in turn but without time and space, I really just can't. It makes me feel pathetic and weak, useless, idiotic, bad, a waste of space. I'm scared I'll never be able to interact with people truly, never be able to get anywhere in life and probably reach another breaking point through all the isolation. Does anyone else experience this? Is it something that can even improve? Any techniques to deal with it or improve it?

This happens to me too. I try to avoid being around people who talk over me or push me for a quick response.

This happens to me too, it takes me a lot longer to process in my mind what the person has just said, or asked, and then to figure out a response to that. And my response is either delayed, or sometimes just sat there speechless and seeming rude. It also feels like I have to concentrate a lot harder on listening to the person talking, as I often switch off half way through, and come to when I noticed they have stopped and are waiting for a response. The same happens for learning. I am trying to study at degree level, and recently found it very difficult to take in what I have read from a book, and sometimes have to read the same sentence over and over. The same when someone is trying to explain something to me regarding learning, I hear the first word and the rest is gone. I have also noticed how I often remember certain things from a conversation, usually what seems interesting to me seems to stick in my mind, but not the full conversation.

I hate it when people talk over the top of you, especially when you are trying to get a point across. I start to stutter. I sometimes think some people do it on purpose and use it to their advantage, especially in an arguement.

I have this too. It's incredibly frustrating. The worst is when someone asks me for something I need time to think over. In my self employment I need to think about my schedule, and I can't actually answer an on-the-spot demand for a certain appointment time slot, or similar questions. I hate to be taken by surprise with any kind of demand, because I'm just not a fast enough thinker "on my feet," to be able to give the response I really need to give.

I have wound up saying yes -- or no -- to things I wanted to say the opposite to! It can really mess things up for me. I do best when I manage to remember to say "Let me think about it," "let me check and then get back to you," etc.

But I often don't think fast enough even to remember to say those. It's one of my biggest struggles in interactions with people.

Ugh, yes. I don't know if I've ever truly understood a conversation as it happened. Even (er, or especially) in arguments people walk away before I even know what they're on about. Conversations always timeout and the carrier is dropped...

I tried forcing my brain to process things faster for a while, but that was exhausting and didn't really work. Like someone else said, I started saying things I didn't actually mean or that weren't connected to my thoughts/feelings/whatever at all (since producing words is also slow for me). It became almost like jazz scat where I could pattern-match words into plausible sentences but the meaning would be a lot more arbitrary than it sounded.

I wish I had one those stop watches that temporarily stops time.

I'm in crappy mood, but also, it amazes me how spoiled most people are. This is such a simple issue, really -- just give more time for responses. But people can never see past their own interpretations, and won't listen or believe. It has to be their way all the way all the time.

I think so too. Some people definitely do it on purpose.



I know what you mean...although I probably understand most everyday conversations well enough...sometimes the most life altering conversations are the ones that make the least sense to me. Especially when it might have been the last conversation I will ever have with a person, and I never even got to have my final say about things. It could take me months though before I even figure out what happened and what I could have said.

It feels really unfair when people just roll right over me in conversations, especially if decisions are being made, or assumptions are being made, and I never get a chance to really take it all in and respond.

Earlier today, I wrote the below in another thread:

I am really bad at ad hoc, unstructured conversation. I am not good at initiating topics or participating in the flow of discussion. I am unable to "carry" a conversation. I am not bad at simply listening to others converse (i.e. others talk, while I listen). But...I find most of what others talk about boring. Further, when they do come across a topic, where I want to add something (and go a little bit deeper), by the time I am ready to say something useful, they have left that topic and began talking about something else entirely.

At this point in my life, I think this (which I assume can be attributed to Executive Dsyfunction) is my biggest issue in life. Also, I suspect this Executive Dysfunction is the root of my other issues (worry, dysphoria, and a whole bunch of obsessive behaviors).

I'm glad I'm not the only one, and most everything in all your replies strikes true...I suppose it's simply a problem that we have to deal with and there unfortunately doesn't seem to be much of a solution unless others are understanding and willing to be patient. It's like it's only recently starting to really strike me what "neurotypical" really is and how the majority of people are this and expect conversation to go a very certain way. Without really meaning to rant, this is frustrating, yet there's not really anyone or anything to blame.

If only conversations really could be paused, or worked like forum posts where you replied in your own time with the space to think about it and lack of intense pressure to make it near impossible to do so. Perhaps the best way to go about it is to make use of such opportunities (non-face to face communication, asking for time where even vaguely understandable and appropriate) where possible and for a bulk of these situations, accept that it's going to be difficult to engage in any conversation at such a pace and try to build up a better reservoir of automatic responses to simply get through these.

I think processing conversations slowly is a pretty common symptom of ASD. I know I have difficulties with it sometimes, particularly if I'm anxious or not trusting of the person I'm speaking to, though I don't notice it as much nowadays as I did when I was younger.

I also process conversation very slowly. I do not know if this is a thing I can fix, but I have found it helpful to 'interrupt' people. Example, my spouse is trying to say something important to me. I might hold my hand up to 'say' stop. He knows what this means. He will pause and give me a moment. When I drop my hand he will ask if he needs to repeat or explain. This does not work in settings where the person does not know me well, but it works with people who do. I know it is rude to interrupt people but if what they are saying is important to them, I would rather be rude and understand what they are trying to say than to blank out something of value to them.

Yes, I have that problem, too. Some quick-to-judge people think I'm stupid or weird. It surely makes communication/life in general very difficult. I don't intend to try to change that because I don't think I can. But I just try to get around it.

It's impossible to follow what's being talked about in a meeting. A one-on-one conversation with a "communication-conscious" person is so much easier. It's not entirely your fault that you cannot follow what the other person is saying. I'm learning not to blame myself and to be more relaxed about it. Not caring makes life easier.

I can relate to this problem. Much of the time, conversations go too quickly for me to keep up with and participate in meaningfully. The same is true in meetings, especially if the speaker doesn't first establish a context for what's about to follow so I can be mentally prepared to file the information accordingly. I know people assume I'm stupid when I can't summon up an intelligent reply quickly - and yes, some people take advantage of that. I would make a poor debater because I don't think well at all on my feet. Give me a few hours to mull it over and reply, and I could be brilliant!

Generally speaking, I do much better reading and replying to written information (assuming the person writing it is fully coherent). With the written word I can take my time reading and digesting the information in front of me. And my reply will reflect that. Sometimes I wish all of life's important communication could be done in writing.

I have another challenge when listening to others talk. When someone is telling me something that I want to understand, I tend to interrupt and ask lots of questions. If they are patient, they will slow down and answer my questions. I believe this need to gather lots of details and “fill in the blanks” is somehow related to how I process information. It’s seems like I have difficulty processing information that is incomplete or is fed to me in an order that (for me) is not logical.

I am guessing this (asking lots of questions) annoys a lot of people. As I am interrupting their train of thought.

Then again, my asking questions should minimally demonstrate interest in what others are saying.

I do OK in 1:1 conversations IF the other person is patient, or if we are discussing a "common" topic. I am always thinking, so I find that I have usually thought about some topic that comes up, which helps me respond quickly.

However, in group conversations I quickly get left on the sidelines. I always did OK in class in school, but I realize now it is because that was a structured situation and the back-and-forth between students and the need to "raise hands" to keep things orderly slowed down the interaction enough for me to participate.

It is unstructured group situations that throw me off the most, even among people who generally like me. In these situations other people don't even realize that I disappeared from the conversation (ie. stopped talking) because they are so caught up in talking with the other people.

Still, even 1:1, if I am not fully ready to receive information, I have a hard time processing someone's talking. Sometimes I am surprised and realize mid-sentence that someone has started talking to me. If I don't know the person that well, I won't ask them to please start over. Instead, I say to myself, "QUICK! Try to fill in the blanks of what they just said and catch up!" At these moments, I feel a little like I am not a native speaker of the language and don't have a full grasp on the vocabulary and I'm just making an educated guess on what was said, hoping I get right.

My family members know if they want to talk to me, they must get my full attention first. Otherwise, they might be met with "huh?" or they might be waiting quite a few seconds for an answer or any other acknowledgment that something was said.

That's very much how my mind operates. Those "fill in the blanks" are vital for my comprehension. They provide the context for my being able to listen well. And I'm right there with you on the logical order. If I feel like someone is plunging into a subject without the necessary introduction, I have a hard time focusing without that "missing" information being presented. Instead of concentrating on what the person is saying, I'll be wondering about the details they left out!