Being independent of constant verbal reassurance

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leiselmum
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14 Apr 2015, 7:19 am

I'm a parent of my daughter, she is almost 18. I am asking a question of those who have made a life for them self, independently.
My biggest question is how did you get past the high need of verbal reassurance. How did you become independent of it and not need to ask a lot of times in one day. I had made a shower routine 8 years ago and she still asks how her shower should go.
e.g.; do i wash my hair tonight, do I use a shower cap, is that my meal, I've only had one glass of water today and (won't have any unless I say have more) . Should I wear a clean dress (school). It is endless and find it hard to realise that she could ever be living independently. She is supposed to be high functioning. I dont think i enable her, but will butt in for her hydration.
Can it be a bit of habit, bit o c d or actual needing that reassurance. I dont understand why she cant remember from the day before.
I would like to know how people on the spectrum become independent from needing constant verbal reassurance.
Thank you for your support :)



kraftiekortie
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14 Apr 2015, 7:51 am

This is my feeling:

You have to refuse the "verbal reassurance." Tell her that she KNOWS how to do the things you mentioned. In a small way, it's like leaving a baby in the crib to "cry it out," rather than always coming to pick the baby up.

Your daughter needs to learn how to rely on herself. It might be rough at first--but she'll benefit in the end.



Shoggothgoat
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14 Apr 2015, 10:20 am

Ditto with kraftie. Also the spectrum is very complex. High functioning vs low functioning are quite coarse categorizations, in addition to the ASD being characterised by an uneven level to abilites. It is more of general pointer rather than an accurat description of the level of all abilities.



Girlwithaspergers
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18 Apr 2015, 7:00 pm

I usually need my mother to remind me to shower, eat, sleep, and take my medication. Otherwise I will end up on electronics, reading, or watching television for days at a time without doing those things.



MollyTroubletail
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18 Apr 2015, 7:51 pm

You can make her a fun chart to put up on her wall. It should list her daily activities which she always asks you about. Then she can tick off the number of glasses of water she had, and so on. A lot of Aspies love organizational things like charts. If she's a girl who likes stickers, give her stickers for completing daily tasks without asking you. As she grows up she can graduate to daily or weekly planners, which is a good life skill for anyone to learn.



Sum
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18 Apr 2015, 8:57 pm

After my grandmother died (I would sometimes manage to talk to her for eight hours in a school day, she really was my favorite person but I digress) my father realized that I needed him to be more active in my life to fill the void. He enrolled me in the Boy Scouts of America (this in a large part is how I became sufficiently independent, I've been an Eagle Scout since seventh grade) this was to be a catalyst for a better personal relationship between us (at least that was the intention) as well as provide the skills for me to become independent. I never really got along with the kids in the troop and I would often take my dad and go off by ourselves to complain. My first year at summer camp the leaders in the troop convinced my father that he needed to keep his distance from me and let me solve my own problems...this did not go over well. It was the first or second night and some kid thought it would be funny to pick a scab and flick that at me and then wipe the blood on me (Before I go on, any one want to place a bet on how that went?) Well he had managed to flick the scab in my open mouth (he now goes to a military boarding school so I guess of the two of us he definitely was the more messed up). I really started to freak out, I knew about blood-borne illnesses, and quite honestly I was terrified. I ran over to the leaders circle calling for my dad, I happen to not really be able to see especially late at night so I could not actually see if he was there, turns out he was but the adult leaders had convinced him to stay quite and deal with my own problems. The verbal reassurance that i needed from him lost, I began the decent into a pretty nasty melt-down. I ran off into the woods upset that my dad was not there for me, upset that some one might have just killed me, and upset that once again I happened to be an outcast. I honestly was having thoughts of self-harm at the time. Well, after a little bit he came after me, that is my dad, and well it did not go over well. I am generally a strong kid and well those of us who have melt-downs know that at times we can get inhuman strength during them. I picked up a fallen tree or log three or for times taller than me and i tried to beat him over the head with it (not proud of it, but I feel being honest both to ourselves and to others about our failures enables us to fairly reflect on them). The night deteriorated from there. So yeah at first when verbal reassurance was taken away I happen to have derailed, but if he had never taken it away I would not have been able to progress as a human being. There were a lot more instances like this, it was not a one and done kind of deal. Additionally, as the reassurance was taken away and the cruelty of others continued I began to develop defense mechanisms. Some people often call me extremely egotistical. However my ego was developed as a sort of self assurance. Additionally, I began to be quite prone to using the third person singular or first person plural to refer to myself in replacement of I or me (for those of you who need a quick grammar reference that is my name, we, or us). From time to time when things are going bad i have relapses where the only way for me to deal with life is to refer to myself in those terms among other coping mechanisms. The point of my post is things are not going to become magically better if you remove the verbal reassurance in actuality, things may at first become much worse with more frequent meltdowns. Never the less, it was the right thing at least in my case (I can only speak on my own experience because though all on the spectrum we each happen to be our own entity).

I really hope this helped :)



Scissor...me
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18 Apr 2015, 10:02 pm

Shouldn't this also be on an other type of forum (which isn't for teens) ?
Anyways; she probably doesn't ask these things because she doesn't know; she just wants you to confirm. So when she'll be on her own she won't need you to confirm and she'll just get on with it, technically.
Aspies and kids with OCDs usually do the opposite : we like to do things by habit over and over again until we don't even think about it in some cases. But it is possible she got into a habit of asking you these questions, if she's been doing it for a long time.
Also, she might be some kind of perfectionist because she has to be extremely sure she does the right thing when she does it.
Anywho, good luck!


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tagnacious
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21 Apr 2015, 9:36 pm

I'd like to echo the suggestion that you transition her slowly to some written and/or visual checklists and/or reminders. Don't just rip the carpet from underneath her. Teach her gently.

Also, please examine your own need to be needed. (I know, ouch!) But parents often try to "fix" their kids without recognizing that kids are very intertwined with their family and home environment. The first thing to do when a child is struggling is to look at their environment and really examine how the behavior is perfectly functional in that environment.

And lastly (and a little inconsequentially,) this kind of thing belongs in the parenting section. If your teen wants to come on wrongplanet and complain about her mother, like all teens do sometimes, this section is for her to do so.