Rants

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I've lost respect for special effects wizard Eiji Tsubaraya. And it's hard to lose respect for Eiji Tsubaraya, but reading about the comment about the model horse in Franketsien vs bargain "because it's more fun!", made me almost want to throw the book I was reading it in, just, destroying the respect and magic and love of the movies almost with one line. Almost a slap in the face of the kid who read encyclopedias on monster films in the past. To the man I am now, who grew up dreaming of building special effects and such, only to have it trivialized into shallow BS by one of its creators? I care about these films, want to absorb all knowledge I can on them, more than he did. it seems. Frankly, I am goddamn sick of this whole "fun-serious" paradigm that humans put on movies, it sucks, and I hate it, I've ever put things into shallow dichotomies like that when seeing or reading up on films. I am an alien to humans, and a "camp", "just chill and not take yourself so seriously" kind of life I keep seeing in like MST3K forums and such, feels not worth living.

It feels so bad to feel spiteful towards someone you still love, and let it show when that person is going through hard times.. I feel like such a b*tch right now..

Alexithymia sucks... It's something my dad has to deal with too which is a big part of why my mom divorced him, and now here I am repeating so much of what he did. As much as I think someone is awesome I can never really get that emotionally invested in them, the only person I can think of where I would be sad for more then a day if I never talked to them again is my brother, and as much as I would like that to change that's easier said then done. I have no idea if this is more of a nature or nurture thing or if there is anything I can do about it.

I have someone right now who I really do want to open up to, and as much as I think they are a cool person and enjoy talking to them I can't through some combination of not knowing how and being too scared. They have been kinda' opening up to be and I would like to return the favor but I don't know how. I have lost too many friends due to me being too cold and distant, and I have spent the better part of a year getting to where I am with this person so I really don't want to mess it up again.

If someone puts a loud muffler in their vehicle, then I should have the right to damage it proportionally to how much it damages my hearing, in terms of their relative value to me.

I'm hungry and tired and pissed, and I feel like a fresh steaming pile of s**t.

I just understood the extent to which I've ruined my life. Lots of struggle ahead, if I choose to proceed. Based on current trends, that seems stupid, if not futile.

I just had a friend contact me, via social media. She has my email and phone, so because of my mood I took it badly. She chose the most detached method to make the minimal contact. I can't even deal with it. How can I respond to, "how's it going?" when I feel like it's going to hell.

People don't really want to interact with me, but have some principle by which they feel the need to insist that I stay around. I don't know what bothers me more, the inconsistency or the selfishness. I'd add cruelty, but again, bad mood.

Thanks

Enough already with the old U.S. Open matches from years back! Show me some tennis from THIS year, already!

Ants in the kitchen-again! A rant about ants!

Lithium should be used to torture people, I feel like I a whole minute behind the universe. I am... moving... really... slowly...

Jeez what is the half life of this s**t. please tell me I'll be over this tomorrow, I literally just went with the flow to get out of the hospital. worse decision ever, I've been stoned off this s**t for a week.

I really, really need to start associating with people who are actually smarter than me.
Everyone around me is dumber than shite, and I feel like it's somehow contagious.
I am just completely disconnected from other people because of their blatant, relentless, inane, mind-numbing utter stupidity.
Every course of study I undertake is laughably easy. I have finished what normally takes six months in three weeks, without trying. That is not intended to brag about how superior I am, either - because I'm a basically nonfunctional non-entity most of the time. It's meant to illustrate how unbelievably stupid external circumstances are - if it's easy for me, that is definitely not saying much for it.
I just have this thought running through my head lately whenever I have any interactions with others. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
Ugh.

So many years high...

I don't regret it persay, hell I really don't regret it but I wish I had something to show for life other then being stoned all the damn time. I think I am having a young mid life crisis.

And the irony is... I want to be stoned right now.

I guess I am cannabis statistic for those unmotivated to do anything, but I don''t know how much cannabis is to blame. Seems I just fail more at basic tasks. Still I would like to have at least completed college by now.

I completed college by smoking strictly only on vacations, but otherwise I didn't do a lot better than ever at basic tasks. If it affects you like it does me, then putting it on hold firmly might help. I like to study a lot and know everything I need to know for tests. I have a terrible record at guessing what to study.

I'm trying to put the best spin on it most of the time, but I don't see a future in my current job. I can make almost decent money if I really work at it, and I may do so for a while. However, I'll have to seek another position in the company, or find something else within a year or so.

I want somebody smarter than me but eager to share what s/he knows. In detail. I have no use for the name of the Degree.

I want teeth! Implants! I went to all the trouble to learn to smile (up to my eyes) and all my teeth fell out!

I want to get through the next year without too much damage.

Maybe I want a sugar-daddy - how old would that be? Somebody who, for reasons best known to himself, would drive by my window and fling money through the window into my kitchen sink. Endlessly. That's my Scrooge aspect.

I want independent bookstores to revive and have one on every other corner. On corners in between, skating rinks. aka playgrounds in summer. With swings for me, too!

I want to put the cat back on Whiskas instead of Purina.
I want to put me on real food instead of pasta/V8/cheap cheese.
I want pepper! I want crushed chiles!

I want not to be on $90 worth of meds! So I tried going off them and talk about sick.

I want to be 16yo for an hour a day so I can fix this place up. Or get some money to pay somebody to do it (hah!)