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wtf..nearly seven itm and nb again here with the tractor under my window, oh the wife's gone
but still, or even, or worse its a sunday
lucky me, hey
15min to uncover the pile and in no concievable timeframe one's going to get, you uncover before starting the tractor
im so deceided to keep the good mood but with all this
music must cover this

We Gon' Boogaloo

All my efforts seem to have amounted to almost nothing.

I see people scoffing their faces with burgers and fries. I make homemade meals with legumes, rice, potatoes, seeds, nuts. I eat more vegetables in a day than some people eat in a month. But what have I show for it? Loneliness, isolation, inability to make small talk, inability to tell jokes, distance, alienation.

My heart is broken. I saw an upper class woman who rejected my romantic advances when I was walking on the beach. She is everything I am not. Cool, witty, collected, car driving, socially acceptable. I shed a few years and then later on my walk I saw a man in a wheelchair being pushed and I shed even more, thinking to myself why must any of us suffer so much.

Then made my way home warily through my town where I often don't feel safe, where men with far bigger muscles and bodies and more protruding faces and facial expressions than mine frighten me. I don't know that there is anywhere to go, or hide, or find refuge though. I truly wonder what this life is all about.

It's tiring. Of course, complaining about it is probably pointless and likely toxic. Every day feels the same. The numb unending sameness. I believe I've become, or have maybe always been, a very unlikeable person. When I talk to people I can't help but blurt out criticisms and back handed compliments/ "corrections", be patronizing , etc.

My gut issues are never going away. I keep trying to stop taking the proton pump inhibitor. This time I switched to intermittent fasting and I thought it was maybe going to do the trick but it didn't. Every day I feel tired and tightness in my diaphragm from my gut issues. Most days I can't be productive at all. I've had 2 months off of work where I had planned on trying to prepare and get a better job but that has largely been squandered, mostly playing xcom2, and then after that just not being able to start. Feeling anxious about the whole thing and then spiraling out of emotional control browsing the internet and before I know it the whole day is gone.

I'm 38. I want to have sex but at this point I'm not sure if I still want a girlfriend. The idea of living with somebody and having an emotional attachment with them seems like it would be annoying. So here I sit in my apartment day after day. I dread having to go back to work again. I don't like my job, mostly because of the people there. Having to live in mormontopia and be surrounded by trump supporting, religion loving pricks. Can't really enjoy alcohol because of my gut issues otherwise I'd be drunk all the time I think and the mj which I like more is illegal here. I think I might take a trip out of town though to try it elsewhere.

I have to remember I just need to ride it out. Maybe its 6 hour eating windows that have me all grouchy now since I'm likely at a caloric deficit. It sucks not having friends around, but at the same time, its awesome not having any friends around. I think I maybe hate just about everyone at this point.

Why are most doctors such useless, power tripping f*****s?

I'm certain my former oncologist had a diploma in Arrogant Prick.

И обняв меня обледенелого губами цвета граната спелого, ты меня целуешь до забвения я не забуду это чудное мгновение! хоть родился я в рубашке, рубашка эта не для глажки. след простыл, покрылся серой пылью, и не родился я, чтоб сказку сделать былью......


and back it is

MY PERIOD IS BLEEDING TOO LIGHTLY! I TRIED TELLING OTHER PEOPLE THAT IT COULD BE SOMETHING ELSE, BUT THEY SHRUG IT OFF LIKE IT'S NO BIG DEAL! I DON'T WANT A F***ING PARASITE BABY INSIDE ME, I AM ACTUALLY TEMPTED TO PUNCH MYSELF IN THE ABDOMEN JUST TO BLEED NORMALLY AGAIN! I DIDN'T ASK GOD FOR ANY OF THIS, I WANT HIM TO STOP TREATING ME LIKE A F***ING GUINEA PIG AND LEAVE ME THE F*** ALONE!!

KIM KARDASHIAN IS THE SECOND COMING OF HITLER, AND MUST BE ASSASSINATED.

I'm listening to classical music on the radio, heavenly sounding angelic choirs singing, clarinets fluting, pianos tinkling, violins aching, looking s at the trees, sunshine and clouds, the backs of the nearby row houses and in the background hear the ambience of car traffic, my neighbour banging doors and fiddling with bits and pieces in front of his door. Birds are tweeting repetitively too. My head hurts.

Too dispiritd to read or do anything at all. Say it's all a dream. You can wake up now. Im only a figment of your imsgination.

Why do I still feel disappointed, when I knew and expected that no one would ever understand??

Or maybe that IS it -- I'm disappointed because no one would ever understand.


I'm never used to it... When will I ever, even with the knowledge and reminders of it??

Gained Number Post Count (1).
Lose Time (n).

Lose more time here - Updates at least once a week.

If someone has made it obvious and clear that they aren't thinking about me and that they don't care at all about me or my well-being, why can't I stop thinking about them and worrying about what they think of me?

My father likes reading about celeb nonsense and tell us all about it, He knows it annoys the crap out of both me and my mother as we really couldn't take any less interest in these things, and to top it all, he always manages to interrupt us when we're talking, watching or listening to something, or are busy. He's can be extremely annoying '

Just the other day we were going through all our books and went through them, threw out those we didn't wanna keep and alphabetized the rest. It was a lot of work, and we were both very busy.
Instead of helping out or at least staying out of it he interrupted us with nonsense about the British royal wedding, making us both snap.

That is so typical of him. He's not attuned at all.

He's also very fond of having to talk about things when someone has 5 minutes before they have to go out. In other words: stress factor de lux.

I wished the media would quit the nonsense about how every time there is some sort of incident of mass violence, there tends to be this notion as to whether the person was autistic or had Asperger. Yes, I'm aware of what happened in Sandy Hook, said individual did have AS but, to imply that all people whom tend to keep to themselves or have social difficulties are somehow potential murderers is absurd. I can recall I was always constantly being referred to as the next Jeffrey Dahmer while in school,but, I'd rather be the opposite and more like a Dirty Harry persona for, I've always felt that people whom commit crimes regardless of nature should be behind bars or executed in a sound,humane nature.

Ş̷̢͉͔̝̬̐̇̾̈́͟͜͠o̼̠̙̿͗͊͐͛̋̅̋̕͟͞ͅm͉̖̬͈̄̀͂́͜͠͠ę̖͓̫̘͕̩͑̓͋̽̎̈́͟͞͠ ḋ̲̣̘̮̮͒̐̾̀̓̇̓̚͠a̷͕̲̼̰̻̥̩̰̍̐͛̊̊͐͟ͅỷ̢̧̧̰͇̼̠͚̗̃́͗͒ś͚̗̰̦̺̦̜̠̻͔̋̌̾͗͘̚͞,̴̼̻̮͔͈̬̣̖͒͐̈̿̌͠͝͠ I̛̝̠̗̣̓́͐̚͢ j̶̡̢̮̬̭͖̐̒̊̀̍͐u̧̧̩̮̺̯͕͖̦̝̍͋̄̿͒́͒͝͠͠ş̰̱̦̥̰̦̘͆̇͑̈́̈̔͞t̢͉̼̝̻͉͐͆̒̌́͑͘͡͞͞ f̳̲͈̜͋̐͒̕͘͢͜ế̵͔̳̰͍̝̬͎̞̭̰̄͌̄́̔̚̕͘ẹ̖̣̘͓͓̫͐̐̔̑̔̒͝l̺̹̘̪̩̓̀̑̑̑ l͍̞̬̯͕̤̍͊̅̔̋̆͠ĭ͕̠̳̟͍̠̯̹͕̀͐́̚̕͘͢͡k̵̖̭̞̠̞̘͖̭̫̿̅́̀͊͛̓̚͟͡͡ę̨̨̳̻͇̯̭͒͗̈͊̓̓̈̎͟ͅ Į̛̜̖͎͗͋̒̎͋͂̌͟͠ ẁ̯͎͉̖̪̠̺̦́̑͗͋͜͠ą͉̺̖̪̱̝͙́͗͌͛̉͟n̷̜̞͙͎͓͛͋͂͌͠t̡̨̜͔̖̦̔̆̽̾̾͝͝͝ t̸͕̥̠̦̹̏͗̇̅̾̃͜o̸͕̝͓͍͑̃͂̄͞ͅ s̶͍̣̬̱͚̜͇͇͆͋͑̅͌̀͟͝t̶̡̞̪͔̰̫̤̫̼̳̓̆̆͐̔͒̀̀̐͠ā̢̛̱̬͈͆͊̐̂́͋͘͘͟b̧̘͙̙̗̪̗͓̦̣̉͊̍͊̔̏͞ a͔̬̭͍̺̰͈̓͒́̆͗́̎́̉̕ b̵̧̯̮̠̓̔̌̀̀̋̾̉̈́͟͟͝ļ͕̠̗̝͐̍͗͑͊͠ô̷̢͚͍͖̘̾̊̊̕͢͡n̢̢̟̠̰͕̬̓̽͒̅̓̕͘͟͠͝d̴̨̯̫͈͔̞̉̆͆̍̕͘͟e̛͈̳̝͚̻̙͎͍̫̹̾̉̕̕͠ w̵̧̨̞̥̞̟͍̓͒̉̿͐͒͐͑͠ͅͅo̶̡̖͍̞̣̖̐́͊̈̉̑͢m̴̢̦̹͚̮͐̿̔͐̋̅à̢̡̻̱̘̼̤̦̯̈̈́̈͐̍͞ń̨̡̡͈̙͚͖̽̍̈́̌ a̴͇̦͓̼̜̿̌̽̿͛͆̅̏̂͟͡ṇ̨̛̜̞͙͂͒̀̅͐͗̅͗d̨̗̱̞͙̩̼̩͛͂͐̑̽̉̔͟ ķ͙̘̻̠̬̞͓́͗̾͐̅͟ͅį̸̢̤̟̥̜̏͌́̀͘ḽ̢̧͙̯̹̫̍̆̐̎͋͒͊̀̔͟l̢̡̧̗̹̦̝͉̽͊̾̂̽̈̋̎͟͞ h̷̙̻͍̯̼̹̦̀̂͑̕͝ͅe̢͖̟̰̟͔̰̲̔́̏͊̍̅̔̚͜͟͝r̡̤͉̤̊̍̈̽͋͒͘̕͜͟͠͞,̸̛̤̥̗͍͎͎̥̈̄͆͂̓̈̃͋̚͢ ą̡͈̳̰̩̬̭̈̒̽̿̈́̄̈̈́̕͘l̶̢̹͔̜̉̊͒͒̑̐͗̚͞ͅl̷̢̜̟̟̗̦̳̘͉̖͆̿͊̔̑ b̶̡̛͔̣̖̤̳̞̦̻̓̀̈́͊e̡̧͓̗͙̯͙̩̎͆͊͛͛͞ͅç̛͚͙̥̱͔̓̌͒͗̈̅̈́̅͞a̷̧̫̱̗͕͖͓̅̾͋̓̑̕ͅu̢̫͖̜̙̫̱͈͊̌͊͆̆͜ͅs̢̭̤͖͉͉̐̍̈́̚̕͜͡e̵̛̠̦̘̤͎̗̯͕̎͒̾͂̅̚͞ ṡ̯̫͈̲͖̙̇̅́͂̓̃̀̾͠ḩ̹̣͙͍̟̼͓̔̂͗̂̓̽͋́͐̔͢ͅe̷̢̝̰͙̲͐́̀͋̑̑͡ ī̲͚̲̰̬͆͊͆͊͗͑̇̕͜s̴̡̨̫̙͎͓̭̬͔͒̉̾̉̊ p̴͉̭̹̠̗̉̍̀͆͌̐͘͟͝͞ͅȑ̵͈͔̞̘̋̊̀̄̌̍͊̕͜͟͝ĕ̡̹̗̝̦̠̣̯̀͊̆̓̿̈̿͟ť͔̲̻̤͎̓̅͗̈̃͑̂̕͞t̷̩̪̗͚̼̫̯̹͕̽̀̄͗̃̃ȋ̶̠̝̲̰͙͓̻̼̞̓͊̌͗̈́̀̇͢͞ẽ̤͓̱̱͓̓͗̆̍͟͜͡ř̻͕̟̱̻͎́͂̇́̑̇ t͉̜͔̖̯̪̀̃̒͋̂̓ḧ̸̡̭͖̙̳̼̬͐̆̒͐̆͢͞ͅã̵̝͖̭̭̗̜͇̅̌̓͆͋͒̕ǹ̡̬̹̖͓̝͐͋̑̊͜͢͠ m̥̱̤̰̗͗́̈́̽͘͜͝ͅe̷̢͖͍̠̠̜̲̦̾̓͌̊̍̌͘͢͝͝.̶͔̹̥͇͑͐͒̒̈̍̅͢.̶̡̟̹͈̤̈́̑̽̇͛́͌̏͛.̡̰͓̟͎̫̠̳͈̞̊͌͛̃̈̓͝

The Buddhists have a saying: make no comparisons. It can be a sanity preserving practice in my experience, because there will always be someone who is prettier, cleverer, more successful, more gifted, richer, luckier, slimmer, wiser. Some of those people in my life have been my mentors, thank goodness. You will have something someone else envies, but what a waste of energy envy is. It channels the energy away from your essential self and the use of your gifts, talents and experience. And using them strengthens self worth, whatever they may be. A good cook for example eats better, delights others, and makes a positive contribution to health and happiness, their own and others. Find your star and shine, Witches Cat, I'd love to see you blossom.