Rants

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Finish watching episode, take some photos of things I been meaning to sell on eBay for months, 20 sit ups, relax in bed.

Nope.

Bf decides he wants to have a half hour chat about the new World of Warcraft expansion pre-order. Fuuuuuuuu......! !! !! !

So now I've just hopped in bed and I've left the episode half way through, exercise is not done and still no photos for eBay -_-

And I feel so god damn f*****g angry about it!! !

WHY is it always SOMETHING???

First, the end of an era, my childhood home is under new stewardship by a cousin. (Deaths, wills, etc)

Second, the never-ending abusive dramatics between my parents. You'd think they'd be too old by now to keep going at each other the way they do.

THEN, we get a bs notice about "weeds" around our house and how we'll get charged. Weeds??? Do you mean the GRASS? Because that is GRASS, not weeds.

Now this f***ing company is trying to over charge me a considerable amount because they're either horrible at keeping books or they're shady as all hell. I don't dodge responsibility and I pay what I owe, IN FULL. I'm getting really tired of this greedy bs behavior from this area.

My daughter's f*****g preschool is getting rid of their 2-3 day programs and only doing 5 day and their morning only ones cost $425 and that is out of our budget range or else we would have to make sacrifices. Even canceling Netflix, Gamefly, and Kindle Unlimited will not make up for the compensation because the price is higher than how much we spend on all that. So it would be taking our son out of his school and putting him in a 1 star rating school right by our house so we can save money on gas and not have to fill it about 3 times a month to compensate for the preschool.

Now I have to hunt for another preschool that has affordable pricing and does 2 or 3 day programs and mornings only or she won't go next year to any school and I will be her teacher.

I've been looking for a new job in my field for over a year now and I just never make past the second or third interview, in some cases even the first. I'm done with my current job which is in my field but I just don't get along with anyone there, it's not horrible but my boss can really get me extremely annoyed, enough to make me go in to the bathroom before my annoyance towards everything is noticeable. I go there and breathe. I calm down.

I'm the one that has been there the longest now (2 1/2 years), the thing is that I don't feel productive there anymore. I feel horrible because I understand I'm not being a hard working person but how everything works there has made me that way and there's no energy or will to do things right most of the time. So I feel horrible, cause if I were the boss, I would fire me. It has become unbearable at times and have called in sick because of it. Then again, I don't want to get fired. Now, I had the brilliant idea to take a small loan so I can go on vacation. (I have about two months of overdue holidays but I'm thinking of taking two weeks) Which I thought in all circumstances prior to taking it. In the end, that trip will be really good for me so I went for it. Of course now I have to be able to keep my job around for at least the time it takes me to pay out the loan and very very hopefully do it before that since I'm starting my own business, but of course, that will take it's time to return anything.

I just really want to quit that job but it isn't smart to do so, obviously. I'm avoiding to work right now and came here because I remembered of this thread. I just feel like there's no one to be completely honest to irl, I'm not one to expose myself like that.

This b**** knew that liking her status would show up on my feed on Facebook. She probably just realized that she wasn't unfriended. She's taking a f****** jab at me, she's doing this because she knows it'll bother me. She never liked any of the other statuses my sister posted, ANY of them.

She may as well be my ex wife. I poured all of my trust, love and effort into that friendship. We were so close, we had been through so much and we were the only people that I thought understood each other. We went through so much together. How am I supposed to be anything but filled with pain and rage, seeing her? I was there when she had no one. I needed someone and what happened?? She treated me like I didn't matter EXCEPT when she needed my help because no one else would help her. She ignored me, talked badly about me behind my back, stole from me, lied to my face, for 4 years straight. I even asked so many times if I'd done or said something to upset her, begged her to tell me if I'd hurt her feelings or there was something wrong between us, because she was my friend and I cared.
I trusted her. I don't trust anyone. I believed she really was my best friend and loved me. All those times people said "I've heard a lot about you.", I was so stupid to assume they'd heard good things. I was so stupid not to realize what that meant.
She played me. 100%. I never saw it coming. And now she's deliberately trying to bother me, just like she did on my Instagram a year after we hadn't been talking, a year after I told her we were done being friends because she finally showed her true colors. She knows how seeing her will hurt, will make me angry, make me cry like it is right now.

I believed her.

I want to break things. Destroy everything around me. Make the outside match the inside.

Still nothing. I'm officially withdrawn from college. I have no job. I don't know what to do with myself. My mom doesn't want me to apply for any more jobs because she wants me to get help with placement from disability services. I agree that is probably a good idea. However, in the meantime, I am getting more and more depressed and I don't know how much longer I can hold on.

I f*cking hate people who have a problem with the way I am. I have no sympathy for as*holes who tell me Shadow and the rest of my family are not real. I hate people like that, I HATE ANYONE WHO TELLS ME THAT SH*T.

"Oooooh why are you in love with a fictional character? Why do you have such weird beliefs and sick fetishes? Go kill yourself sicko hurdurr duuuuuuuurrrrrr!" I don't need your stupid s*it!! !! !! Leave me ALONE!

I don't know why I felt the need to vent. I'm just really upset and uncomfortable thinking of all the things people have told me over the years...

I hate people, I just hate people. I CAN'T F***ING TAKE IT I HATE PEOPLE! And I can't stop getting pi**ed off when people try to offer me this "understanding". I hate humanity don't you f*cking get it?! You'll never understand! The littlest of things are p*ssing me off right now and I can't think rationally.... I think I need to get away from everyone right now.

I'm in a murderous mindset right now because of this stupid society and it's really putting a damper in my mood and I know it's because I'm on here and the internet as a whole since it's the only real source of human interaction outside from my mother that I actually participate in because I can't be like "everyone else" and go outside and talk to stupid sheep. I want to just get away from everyone and learn how to see humanity as something that just doesn't exit. Because I honestly cannot stand people and their thoughts and opinions on things and sometimes I just want to cuss them out.

I'm much happier with my soulbonds and the few that don't pi** me off in my life. I'm tired of pretending to be all happy and nice to people when I don't believe they deserve it.

I feel like that a lot of the time.

I'm sorry people are making you feel so sh***y.

2/4/2018
I know I stated I wasn't going to come back to the site until like a week or so has gone by so I can have time to calm down...but I needed to get this off my chest.

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I had homework that was due today at 3:10 PM for a sculpture class and my mother wouldn’t leave me the Hell alone. First, she sends me a text asking if I wanted to go to the Chinese buffet with her. I told her no, that I had an assignment that was due in a few hours. Then she tried to pressure me into going, saying that we’d only be gone for a little bit. I was super frustrated, like why in Hell did you even text to ask me that? I f*cking told you multiple times the days before and just now that I had to do my assignment! I didn’t want to lash out on her because she’d just come back with, “Well, if you only had done it sooner than this wouldn’t be a problem” or some cr*p like that although she was the one who could go and get me the materials I needed for my assignment which she wasn’t able to get till the day before the assignment was due.

Then after I made my work, mounted it to the wall and took pictures of it getting ready to make my PowerPoint presentation, I sat down to write up what I did to make it, why such and such artist inspired me to create what I did and all the stuff. I had a little over an hour left to go when I got another text, from my mother. She was telling me that she wanted me to come downstairs to get a laptop she bought from Walmart. Mind you this was after she complained about the other one she had spent over $1000 on at Best Buy. She also couldn’t leave the van to bring it up herself because she was working and had a mentally disabled individual in the van thus she couldn’t leave him alone.

I was aggravated. I was pi**ed, my body tightened up with rage as I replied, “Ok.” And went to throw on some clothes. I accidentally stepped on one of my metal pencil holders as I took it and threw it at my closet door creating a hole in it. I was ready to take that door and destroy everything in my room, but I tried to calm down and not go berserk. I was already paranoid about her finding out about that hole and making complaints about all the money she’ll have to pay to get it fixed when we ever decide to move out. I was already formulating lies to tell her about the hole so that she wouldn’t punish me and send me to a “crazy home” as she likes to call it.

After getting my shoes and coat on and receiving the text that she was outside, I made my way downstairs with a pillow by my side to prop our apartment door open (because I don’t have my own set of keys to the place) and went to grab the computer. This is how the conversation went.

Me: -grabs box-

Mother: -Looks at me with big surprised eyes- “Not going to say hello?”

Me: “Hello.” -quickly takes the box under her arm and proceeds to close the door-

Mother: “Not going to ask me what computer I got?”

Me: (in mind, does it look like I care?) “I have to finish my assignment.”

My mother was all smiling and laughing as if she wasn’t concerned at all about how stressed out I was. All she seemed to care was for the stupid laptop she bought herself. I took it upstairs and laid it on the floor by the door as I went back into my room, looked at the hole I made and went back to my computer to finish typing this up and to finish up my assignment for class.

I am already pi**ed off from all the sh*t that’s been upsetting me over the past few days…this isn’t make me feel any better….I just want complete isolation which is impossible when living with a narcissistic mother…

Is all I am statistics, textbook definitions, experiment results, news stories, and rumors to you Earth, or am I am like the people you inhibit?

2/4/2018

Like my day couldn’t get any worse. My Arts Management teacher…. Is… a c***. I just… I can’t… I don’t even know if I am going to pass her class this semester… I just got her message about how she reported my paper to the faculty for supposed plagiarism. I never had this da*n problem before with any research paper I ever done for any class and IT’S THE GODDA*N FIRST F*KING PAPER! AND IT’S ONLY THE 3RD WEEK! Are you flipping kidding me!? And you gave me an F!? ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW YOU STUPID HUMAN?!

I…. I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE! I can’t stand humanity…. I can’t stand it. I literally don’t do well with this sort of grading. I don’t think I can drop out of her class without paying a fee right now… I don’t want to fail… as much as I hate my mother right now, she has offered to help me since at least we both agree that this teacher is a witch.

I’m so violent right now… Nothing but insanity in my mind, so many ill thoughts... I just want to curl up and die. I don’t need any of this right now…. I don’t need to fail and have the loan people coming after me right now… I can't handle a job right now... my anxiety...my hatred for humanity...it's not ready for that...

Why are women brought up with ridiculous concepts of romance and love. From the heteronormative to the ridiculous notion you must give all that you are AND be pure at heart, for a masculine/male partner that is emotionally incompetent

But most of all I'm hurt at ourselves for accepting these stupid concepts and romanticising abusive behaviour all in the name of love and romance.

And yet despite all this, it's these feelings that create the greatest poetry, art and music. It's these feelings of despair and elation that keep us going in life.

My anxiety is at an all-time high but I'm working so hard to hide it. I feel like snapping. The mood stabilizer I'm now taking is garbage. I just want a job but it is taking forever. I know I need to be patient, but I am never going to get better or feel happiness while I'm stuck inside my bedroom about 90% of the time. Everybody asks me what I need to do to get better and I tell them, but they tell me I'm wrong or don't listen at all.

2/5/2018

My mother wanted me to order Chinese food on the phone. I kept telling her I didn't want to. I get extremely uncomfortable with talking to people, especially verbally on the phone and she made comments like, "How are you going to survive in life?" She then made remarks putting the blame on me for not being able to have something good be delivered to our home...

I'm upset, tired and again, I want to be isolated.

"Grade is an F due to plagiarism."

Ok lady, believe what you want. If I can get out of your class then I will but you better not end up failing me over assumptions and dumb cr*p.

I really don't want to end up failing because of a snarky teacher like this...and I don't want to be busting my a** off trying to appeal to this woman. I'm going to be miserable this semester and I'll have a hard time enjoying my other classes... I will be sending a message to my mentor about this and see if I can get out of the class and join another without it effecting my financial aid. Or even get a tutor. Something to help me deal with this drama in hopes that I can pass this person's class.