Rants

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Actually, the biggest bullies at the schools I went to usually went to prison, if they were male and got pregnant as teenagers and dropped out of school, if they were female. Any problems I had as an adult with getting employment were my own fault entirely. I attribute my late start in life to the fact that I failed to accomplish certain adolescent/young adult milestones at the proper age.

I'm sorry this is happening to you, Alita.

I used to love any situation where I could be seen as capable.
Then my life went through a massive reorient.
Recently I'm back in a situation where I have to take control, manage everything and everyone, and I don't want this. Can't have this. Can't do this.
I resent being forced to be the capable one.
I'm done being anyone's hero.

I've discussed my autism with all my close friends, and a fair number of people who seem on track to become close friends. I don't know how well I've explained myself, or how much they consider accurate self-assessment. I don't feel satisfied so far, and I have no idea how much more I need to do, or what I need to do differently to communicate my difficulties. I may need to come up with some suggestions for ways to draw my attention to social signals I might otherwise miss, but I dislike telling other people specifically what to do.

Anyway, some new information has come to my attention about the way my housemates feel about our living situation. I did not pick up on this myself. I had felt uncertain about their feelings, and had been trying to find the right time to discuss them. Now, I've heard some things from a couple of mutual friends which indicate that they know more than I do about my relationship with my housemates. I'm bummed.

I get that it can be hard to talk about things with people if you have mixed feelings. I can totally see how the mixed signals I perceived could come from those mixed feelings. I can also see how, contrary to evidence and my statements about my perception of social signals, my housemates would nonetheless expect me to have a clear understanding of the signals. I totally don't. I had an idea, but it was way off base.

I don't feel at all angry about them wanting what they want. I hope it's a simple case of my confusion, and not something I've done that has made them unwilling to open a discussion with me about it. That thought bothers me, and I have to keep in mind that it's just in my imagination at this point.

Anyway, now I have received substantially congruent information from two third parties that indicates I need to find another place to live. Fortunately, that place looks really promising, not too much more expensive, and the person offering to rent me the room has made it perfectly clear that he feels enthusiastic about having me around. We even have projects under consideration, so I can spend some of my time that I need to decompress at home doing some work that won't add to my social stress. It seems like a clear improvement, on balance.

Now, I just have to deal with an even more complex situation. I still want to hear from my current housemates themselves, and not take what I've heard as the comprehensive statement on their feelings about me. It does annoy me that I'll be the last to know, but I'm as used to that as a person can get while still feeling annoyed by it.

I want to have a discussion where I have a very high probability of knowing the outcome without revealing that knowledge explicitly. I want to continue to work with these folks, and I hope they feel the same about me. I dread that once I move, I'll hardly ever see them any more. If that happens, I'll have a hard time believing that they care about me, or want to work with me at all. I'll feel that way, even though I know that s**t just happens when people aren't colliding with each other every day, living in the same space.

Dammit, it seems like fairly good odds that I'll never achieve clarity, even in this specific case. Maybe the clarity I want just doesn't apply to these kinds of interactions. I feel stupid and useless in that regard, which doesn't make for a good starting point in a delicate discussion.

Didn't finish breakfast
then forgot my meds this morning
Then I thought I had drawing instead of design today,
and I didn't have my design project ready
Was also an hour late to class .-.
Didn't realize it's a bad idea to wear all black with a binder on and my hair down in ninety-degree weather because the sun decided it wanted to be summer again today and turn the weather upside down.
Had a break in class, went running back to dorm to take my meds and came back ready to work.

ANNND then realized I left my water bottle and breakfast at my dorm and had to go running back through the hot weather to get them because I'm just a f****n' mess. .__.

And to put the cherry on top of the big, yummy shite casserole, I tripped and got mulch in my shoe and splintered my foot.

And was having a meltdown the whole time.

My desire to be understood, leads to me embarrasing myself again and again. I wear my thoughts on my sleeve.

If only I could get some aspie friends...

Actually, the biggest bullies at the schools I went to usually went to prison, if they were male

Keeping it simple seems best, Alita. I don't want to impose my inner turmoil on others more than necessary.

Can I ask, are you artistic at all?

Yes, I am.

Sometimes.. the best thing we can do is to let go of our dreams...

I would never had thought it would end this way.. but I began to feel like a prisoner to my dream..
I continued to work extremely hard, yet the passion faded...
What's the point in following my dreams, if the magic is gone, if I have to keep working 14 hours a day the rest of my life for very little reward.
It's been one of the biggest inner battles in my life, my dream was so intertwined with my identity.

I'm finally letting go. I feel light as a feather. I feel free.

For 12 years I thought I knew what I wanted. I didn't.

If I'm gonna work 14 hours a day, I want the money to match.

From now on I will only work for money.

Preferably as much money as possible.

Can I ask what you dream was?

Audio engineering.

Wow, that sounds really difficult and involved. No wonder you were working 14-hour days! So what are you looking at doing now?

I thought so. What sort of art are you into?