Rants

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I really need a drink! or at least a liter of liquor or something to calm my nerves

Have a work out session in 45 minutes. That will help. Still it's gonna be tough to get going on that one

Everything I want to rant about right now will very likely just get me suspended from WP -again- and there is no one else I can talk to about it. So the anger and frustration will just continue to boil inside my brain.

The cancel button is a wonderful thing. Or write a post, and then just navigate away.

Monday was, by all accounts, a horrible day. The horrible events in the news and the passing of C.C. made me very sad.

So i've finally decided to quit my job today. Praying that i'll be able to find a job i actually can do..

Came across something last night that made me feel sick to the soul.
I don't know how to erase it from my mind.
Everything I see now is feeding another drop of poison.

This is my family and it's history with alcohol:

Mother - probably an alcoholic
Step father - alcoholic
Aunt on mothers side - limited alcohol intake, but her husband drinks too much
uncle on mothers side - died from alcoholism
Father - alcoholic
Uncle on fathers side - dead, was an alcoholic.
Uncle nr 2 fathers side - dead by suicide, he was a schizophrenic. I don't know if he drank ( )
Aunt on fathers side - alcoholic
Brother - drinks too much, on his way to alcoholism. He has also taken all drugs known to mankind.

Strangely enough I don't think any of my grand parents abused alcohol. They are all dead now.

Feeling horribly sad about how bad my relationship is with both of my brothers.

My older brother has, (despite the two of us being more similar in personality/interests than either our older sister or younger brother) never demonstrated even the slightest willingness to understand the things I have struggled with in the past: or forgive me for the past transgressions that occur when you're a depressed kid. Even back when I was a pre-teen, a family counselling session an old psychiatrist organised for me after I made an attempt on my life led him to basically explode at me with this incredible list of hate.

He lives in Canada now and visits only briefly, so I feel that bond is almost permanently severed. It's a terrible feeling. Even when he's back in England he barely talks to me, and usually only once I've initiated it, which is a laugh really, as anxiety causes me to actually stutter around him - that's how nervous he makes me!

And then my younger brother. He doesn't speak to me at all. It's like encountering a bloody ghost in the house, sometimes. To make matters worse, privately I'm still angry and upset with him for an extremely stupid stunt he pulled years back online, which was not only uncalled for but borderline disturbing in the worst way. I stopped speaking to him after this incident, and he followed suit. He's never apologised, never even tried to explain himself.

Watching him laugh and talk with my older sister/brother at Christmas has become increasingly painful each year.

Well, sorry for going on a random misery-rant. I suppose typing hectically in a forum as opposed to burying myself in my studies is one of my ways of letting off family pariah related stress!

I wonder if I'm a little bit depressed. The energy level has been low lately. Before when I slept long enough I eventually felt rested. These days it doesn't matter how long I sleep, I still feel tired. It's hard to get out of bed because I don't really want to. There is nothing I'm looking forward to doing. Things feels hopeless.

a few people tell me that i will amount to great things. i've heard that a lot, most notably when i was younger, that i was smart.

if those same people saw my performance at tasks in my daily life, and watched how i struggle and think long and hard for even the simplest things, would they say the same?

well...

maybe they look at my writing, how i communicate myself. if i HAD to praise (ew) myself for one thing, i would admit that i'm not so shabby with words. at least, there's that. so i can understand how someone can look at this now and think good things... but when i was a kid?

how could ANYONE have looked and acknowledged my spastic, underachieving 9 year old self and thought "gee, that kid is pretty bright"??

show me any random group of kids-tough kids, sissy kids, smart and dull kids....street smart and book smart kids, kids who climb on rocks- they all seem the same and equally fated to ME.

meh. maybe when you have kids or are around them for a long time, you get a different perspective.

I feel really angry right now at a friend of mine who doesn't seem to make a distinction between "things you like" and "addictions."

I got accused today of being ADDICTED to: coffee, cola, and chocolate.

Shall I tell you all about the horrendous, massive quantities I consume of these every day?

ONE.

I only ever drink ONE SMALL COFFEE, made at home, every morning to enjoy with my breakfast. ONE coffee. And a small mug. I don't even crave any more coffee the rest of the day! I don't even want another coffee!

Cola/fizzy drinks: ONE! I allow myself ONE can! One can, not one huge bottle or anything. Not a six-pack. ONE cola that I like to crack open to watch a movie in the evening as a treat.

Chocolate: about four pieces of chocolate the size of a Hershey's Nugget. That's IT. In the evening. During my movie, with my coke.

I do not in any way think any of this is an "addiction." I've known people who drink LITRES of Coke per day! LITRES. They drink it all day long. That's an addiction.

Or coffee all day long, and crave their next one.

This same person who accused me of these things being addictions happens to think it's perfectly normal to "have a cuppa tea" 12 times a day. So that's NOT an addiction? Every Brit I know drinks tea ALL day long as if it's going out of style.

I limit myself to ONE breakfast coffee because it's my favorite thing with my eggs in the morning, and he thinks that's weird and I'm addicted.

Everyone has things that are their preference as a food or drink item that are not even taken in excess or in a compulsory manner. That's FAVORITE things, not "addictions."

Now this person is walking around thinking this about me and it burns me up, the injustice, of this compulsive TEA drinker. . .

I haven't been doing anything at all lately. I feel like nothing at all.

I woke up this morning and stimmed for a few hours. Then I stemmed some more. Then I stared at the ceiling and counted.

Now I'm sleeping. I don't feel like doing anything.