why would a guy with aspergers cheat on his girlfriend?

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Hi everyone.

First of all this is the most awesome forum ever. I love reading all of your honest posts so much! (another topic - I think i have aspergers and am just finding out I'm older and female, and I'm a HSP and empath - with a ton of trauma from childhood, so most people / therapists never noticed that I could have aspergers. They all just said it was trauma. I will find another place to post all of this - but I just wanted to say that I really really relate SO MUCH to so much you guys are saying on here! Especially the need to be honest and not understanding why anyone would lie. I just don't get it.)

I know that most people (*most*) with aspergers are pretty loyal and wouldn't really think to cheat on a boyfriend or girlfriend. I wouldn't. But I know that everyone is different - and that just because someone may have aspergers doesn't mean that he is like everyone else....

I was hooking up with this guy recently, he is (his words) "Very literal" and he did and said some odd things, not bad , they were really interesting and actually cute! but definitely different than any other guys I've met, that makes me think he's got aspergers (and not a narcissist and super mean like I thought he was).

I also think (after some investigation !) that he has a girlfriend, and I don't want to hook up or anything at all with anyone who has a girlfriend. It's not my style at all. I'm in my late 30s. He's in his late late 20s.

Would any of you be able to maybe give me some insight as to why someone with aspergers might cheat on his girlfriend - and also not tell me he has one? When I asked him if he had a girlfriend - since he wouldn't kiss me - and told him that it made me think he has a girlfriend - he blamed me (! !! !) for not wanting to kiss me and then when I said "please answer my question" he just said that he "dates, yes". And when I said "no, not date" and got specific about my question - I felt stupid having to do it and like I was cornering someone, and it felt bad and I was embarrassed about feeling like I had to ask him that, and like he was trying to manipulate me, so I just said "actually I think you answered my question. I liked being with you but I think you already know what I said" (that I couldn't be with someone who was in a relationship with someone else) and he just said "Interesting" and never responded to my texts after that

does anyone have any insight here? Thanks so much you guys. * i started to like him, which I know is not really how you are supposed to feel if you just hook up with someone. but he's special and i couldn't help it *

Welcome to the forum.

I don't see why you can be so sure that he has asperger's and if this was the case, it doesn't imply that he is a good person.
About your question, if he really has a girlfriend there is nothing much to do I'm afraid, unless you want him to cheat on her or something. Oh and personally speaking I don't understand what is so special about a guy that behaves like this and then even stops responding (which maybe is for the best), but it's a matter or taste I suppose.

A possible reason he does this is that he is polyamory. That is more common in neurodiversity (aspies). If that is so, he might not even consider it as cheating.

Hi there happay; about this guy -- here's my take.

Whether he has Asperger's or not, his behavior is really not very nice or good, for anyone, Aspie or NT or anything else. Just as a human being is is not really being fair to his girlfriend by letting this sort-of thing begin between you two, and he's not being fair to you by hedging around and fudging around the issue. He didn't really give you a straight answer and yet he kind of did.

In my book, that's weird, frustrating and even a little bit passive aggressive. It's not very cool. When he responded with "interesting" it seemed like the response of someone who wants options open on not being exclusive. That's fine if he just sticks to partners who want the same situation. But if you don't and you made it clear, which you did, then it's best both of you move on.

I guess by not contacting you again, that's what he did -- which when you think about it, is fair enough. Now that that's happened, it's probably best for you to let him go, because even if he had qualities you liked and were drawn to, this other quality of his not really being honest about the girlfriend is a dealbreaker for you, therefore it's better this way, that you go your separate ways.

There's no way to know if he's really on the spectrum or not unless he told you outright he'd been diagnosed, but it's kind of beside the point. Aspie or NT, he was vague about something that isn't cool with you and that's the bottom line.

I hope you can move on as he doesn't seem to want the same things, and it will only torture you to pick over it and wonder why he was the way he was. I've been there done that!

Well, we really don't know the opinion of his gf. She might be cool with it (if she too is polyamory).



Polyamory is linked to neurodiversity, even without controlling for the fact that many neurodiverse people have trouble finding a single partner. Thus, Aspie or NT is not beside the point. It is a relevant issue.

rdos, by saying it was beside the point, I was focused more on the idea of trying to help the OP move on from this person and not worry about how or why he was dancing around the issue, as she expressed not wanting to get involved with someone who is already involved and obviously if this is the case, then she should waste no more time worrying about the details.

She posted "I don't want to hook up or anything at all with anyone who has a girlfriend. It's not my style at all. " So, clearly, it's just not the right situation for her personally, thus there's no point in wondering why he was the way he was.

However, you are correct that his probably polyamory is not beside the point for her question about how someone on the spectrum may not be conventionally exclusive in relationships. You're correct, that does play into that, and yes she did ask that question.

One more thing though, is that is is not just possibly a polyamorist but that the OP says he was not entirely honest or straightforward about already having someone in his life. And it appears the OP was wondering how that ties in with the usual trait of revulsion of telling a lie, found in many on the spectrum. I may be assuming things but I think she seems to be hurt by the fudging/little lie not just the polyamory alone.

Bottom line, though, is that she's not into that, according to her post, so I'm saying that the best thing to do is move on.

Q: Why would a guy  with Asperger's Syndrome or any other Autism Spectrum Disorder  cheat on his girlfriend?

Short Answer: Because he can.

Long Answer: It comes down to the Means/Motive/Opportunity triangle.

Means: His ability to cheat. He's a reasonably healthy and reasonably attractive young man with an intense libido, right? Kinda hard to defeat that aspect, unless you lock him up in the basement for the next 20 years.

Motive: Why he cheats. His libido is not being exhausted at home. Unfortunately, for a man in his 20s, this means he needs to "exhaust his libido" once every 3 to 5 hours. If it is not happening at home, then it may happen elsewhere. He may also be curious about certain activities that his girlfriend is not willing to participate in. Again, if he's not satisfied with what he's getting at home, he may be open to opportunities elsewhere; which brings us to ...

Opportunity: The chance to cheat. Another girl was available, no one was likely to catch them, and they had both the time and the place available. Keep the other girls away from him, don't let him out of your sight, and keep him busy with the old "Honey-Do" list 24/7.

Thank you all for your answers!

I should have been more clear - I don't think he's polyamourous, because if he was - part of that is being open and honest about it from the beginning. I also gave him an opportunity to tell me when I asked him - which he became evasive about.

And whoever said this: "And it appears the OP was wondering how that ties in with the usual trait of revulsion of telling a lie, found in many on the spectrum. I may be assuming things but I think she seems to be hurt by the fudging/little lie not just the polyamory alone. " is correct. Mainly I was wondering how the cheating ties in with the usual trait of revulsion of telling lies , found in many on the spectrum. I have it BIG TIME (which is one of the main, but not only reason I am looking into whether or not I have mild aspergers. I scored 125 aspie out of 200 and 83 (or 85?) NT on the test I took yesterday.....) .

So yes - mainly I was asking that. and the answer quoted above by Fnord is closest to the kind of helpful info I guess I was looking for (not that any of the other answers weren't appreciated, they are!! !).

Fnord - yes, he's really really good looking. Like really good looking. And as to why i am thinking he's on the spectrum - that's a long story but he seems to be unable to answer me in anything I say except for being extremely literal. He's got a knowledge and skill of what he's made his business out of (sports) and he's extremely technical at it and able to break it down (the sport) in such detail that most people say they've never heard anyone talk about it like him. He also was giving me a list of what we did (sexually) after he left me house, verbally he would give me a 'report.' It was odd. And cute . "We did (blank) and (blank) and (blank)." And would include things that I had told him I wanted, I guess to 'show me' that he was doing some of the things I told him I wanted?

He also seems to have the same kind of innocence about him that I have, and when I told him I wanted to wrestle, he literally started wrestling me. He didn't understand 'sexy' wrestling. I mean - he literally was wrestling me, like a guy. And he kept saying "I don't want to hurt you" like he didn't understand how to just roll around without actually wrestling to win or lose. Also, I have just noticed that he is unable to understand what I'm saying - unless I am extremely literal with him. And he said the same about himself. There is more but I don't want to be too long winded here.

Fnord - can you also maybe expound on this: He may also be curious about certain activities that his girlfriend is not willing to participate in. Again, if he's not satisfied with what he's getting at home, he may be open to opportunities elsewhere; which brings us to ...

Because , without giving too much detail, what we did together was probably not what a lot of vanilla people do. I liked it, and the reason I like him so much is I am sexually compatible with him (wait except for the not kissing . what is that about??) and it's hard for me to find guys I'm sexually compatible with. And also - Fnord (or anyone else) - if he isn't satisfied with what he's getting at home - why stay???? I don't get it.

Thank you guys SO MUCH!! ! I love this forum it's my new favorite place

Consider this: If he ever accesses pornographic websites, then he will have seen women performing activities that would make YOU look like "plain vanilla". Maybe you are willing to do A, B, C, and D, but what can be seen on those websites covers the rest of the alphabet, and then some!

Why would he stay? Have you ever heard the old maxim "Why buy the cow when he can get the milk for free?" Well, think of him as a farmer who gets milk from the cow he owns - one that he has to spend money for on food, housing, and maybe even medical care - while he gets even more milk for free from the cow down the road!

Anything beyond this idea is pure speculation.

For the same reasons a guy without AS would cheat.

Very true. I think he definitely watches a lot of porn.

"Well, think of him as a farmer who gets milk from the cow he owns - one that he has to spend money for on food, housing, and maybe even medical care - while he gets even more milk for free from the cow down the road!"

And yes, of course. I just don't understand why anyone would want to put themselves through that much stress, to lie to people and stay in a relationship where you aren't happy or getting what you really want. Then again, I'm never in relationships because once I see any behavior I don't like, I push the person away so maybe I need to learn how to be unhappy in a relationship? And just not cheat? That sounds awful.

What OliveOilMom said.

Likely because to him, the short-term rewards are far greater than the stress.

Consider this: Experiments have been done wherein electrodes have been inserted into the pleasure centers of a laboratory animal's brain. The animal can then either press a button to stimulate those areas or press another button to receive a food pellet. Eventually, the animal will suffer the symptoms of starvation, because it is continuously pressing the first button!

Could the pleasure he receives be so great that he is willing to endure the stress? Remember, this has nothing to do with reason and logic, and everything to do with lust and libido.

This is weird and interesting. (Self abuse due to lack of self awareness).

according to psychologist abraham maslowe, the main factors in promiscuity are high sex drive and low self-esteem.

Thanks everyone. And Fnord. Yeah I guess this makes sense. Either way, I haven't heard back from him and I'm sad. I won't be contacting him again, but I wonder if there was anything I could have done to make things have been different. I got SO anxious around him and I actually really liked him. I wish there was a way I could not feel so anxious and also maybe see reality - instead of feeling like he just didn't like me 'enough.' I mean, if he does have a girlfriend then this has nothing to do with me, and I wouldn't want to be with him anyway. But I feel sad and I miss him.