Do you find love when you stop looking? Why?

Post Reply New Topic

The first girlfriend I had (age 21), I got because I actually started looking, and started ignoring all that stuff on how "it will happen when you least expect it". The social intuition of most aspies is so crippled that we need to mechanically learn how to flirt, need to seek out women, and need to make a lot of mistakes along the way.

I totally get where you're coming from. I've been divorced for nearly 1.5 years and I have yet to be asked out on a date. I've gotten a lot more socially active, my confidence has grown, and I'm otherwise feeling pretty decent about myself. I believe that I have a lot of positive things to offer somebody.

NT guys just aren't interested for whatever reason and Aspie guys tend to get scared and run.

There's a part of me that wishes I could turn off my desire to have a special man in my life. At least it would save me from disappointment and/or heartbreak when things do y work out with a guy I'm interested in. No expectations, no disappointments.

I've got a good many girlfriends, but with busy schedules, we don't have a lot of time to get together.

I've nearly gotten to the point of "Why bother?" when it comes to social activities.

"No expectations, no disappointments" may very well become my new mantra.

Just had to vent.

I've just realized...after talking about it with friends.

I HAVEN'T been looking for a relationship this entire time.

I was talking about it all with my friend Sarah.

I said to her when you really think about it, I don't come across as someone desperate for a relationship, I don't even come across as someone seeking a relationship at all. And she agreed.

I asked her what her honest opinion of me was and how she thinks I come across to others. She said all these wonderful things that I agree with, not just to boost my ego but she was being genuine and honest. Confident, funny, calm, friendly, etc. Very confident she said. She said to her I come across as 'in the zone', as in completely self-confident and happy with who he is, etc. Not insecure or low self-esteem or any of that.

The thing is, even if inside I want a relationship badly, I do not come across this way to others.

That's what they say.

"Stop looking for love and you will find it. Just focus on your own life. Be happy, healthy, confident person, and others will be attracted to you." etc. well I HAVE been this, I've been this all year.

No girls have liked me or been attracted to me.

I've actually been much more social and confident this year.

I seem to attract plenty of people but not in a romantic way but only friends way.

People are drawn to me. I have much more friends and aqcuaintances. Plenty of people think I'm a nice person, funny, etc. etc. etc.

Not trying to sound arrogant but this is what people actually think of me.

I'm not too annoying or weird or stupid and I'm not bullied or anything like other aspies are sometimes.

I'd even say I feel mildly popular at just how much and what kind of attention I get.

But it has all come to NOTHING.

Like I was saying earlier in this thread, there is no point being the social confident NT person because even they can't get relationships.

Well, after talking with friends I realized this WAS me and this IS me right now.

I mean, seriously. I asked Sarah what she thought of me, had great things to say. Ask a random dude in my maths class what he thinks of me, 'f*cking talented! It's crazy you can write with two hands, etc.' (I'm a trained ambi-dextrous), ask this nice female acquaintance, has nice things to say about me, ask a male classmate from English, has good things to say about me, etc.

But I havent been looking for love this year. All I ever did was went on 3 dates with this girl I liked but she only wanted to be friends. I also had a crush on this one girl and talked to her a bit but it was just talking, normal talking. And I did ask Sarah about some of her cute friends, but that's literally it...

What else do I have to do????

This video right here sums it up a lot of the pain guys have when it comes to dating and relationships:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=91SlnIVDFso

Outrider, you sound pretty mature for a 16 year old, and a lot more socially developed than I was when I was your age. I'm 21 and I just now had both my first kiss and first girlfriend (not the same girl, but that's irrelevant) earlier this year. Let me tell you that my experience with her (first gf) was very negative and certainly nothing to be envious of. It was a hard slap in the face of things that I absolutely had to learn before I go any further in life, which I really appreciate, what it did was give me rules to go by.

The first problem is is that at your age, you do not yet have the chance to build a life for yourself that a potential girlfriend can look at and want to be a part of. You can only rely on your outward appearance, speech, etc. The dating scene among 16 year olds is more based on these raw appeal things - that, although you yourself sound OK, don't develop to a well enough standard in most AS men for at least another 5-10 years. Girls your age can not yet respond to the things that a man can do, based more upon his own agency, to make himself more attractive - and this is the make or break for any man, this largely internal and self-directed twenty-something process, but especially for the Aspie, who gets his first and only chance through it. To put it simply - girls in high school and college are going to look at the cards a guy was dealt, adult women are going to look at how he has played his cards. AS is a serious disability in many ways in the earlier years, and the institutions Aspies are subject to only reinforce this, but as one gets older, he is no longer subject to those institutions and he is going through the aging process, which naturally makes him mentally stronger. Couple that with a world that is more judging of the work he puts in, and not so much his outward appearance and mannerisms - and the reasons why an Aspie can't be successful start to drop off as he gets older.

Advice like "don't look for love, s/he'll come to you", "work on yourself first", "be yourself" is the best advice anyone can give but it usually gets shunned or misunderstood because it requires way more patience, introspection, experimentation, and hard work than most people are willing to submit to. It can take years to learn even extremely basic things, and you may have to make radical changes in your life - and I'm talking about big things, like a career change or a trip across the world - to set yourself straight. By being determined to grow, true to yourself, and having high standards - you eliminate people who will throw you off. Some people will come to you offering more specific and immediate advice, which may or may not produce results, but what they maybe doing is teaching you how to bark up the wrong tree.

The Aspie will not be OK in a relationship, and I think even a friendship, with someone who is too dissimilar from them, has differing interests and goals in life, or just expects the wrong things out of the Aspie. Every person who comes into our life leaves their imprint in us somehow, and since Aspies are naturally more submissive (at first) we'll usually take it, and not immediately think to reject toxic people and their toxic, but also highly contagious, attitudes. Like I said about my ex-gf, these people are a good lesson in what not to be and who not to be with, but you will want your time back. So be careful.

I also have to say that the failure of my first relationship was mostly my fault, and I can relate certain failures of it to specific AS tendencies that I have. Please know that AS is a very serious handicap in relationships, even if you're wildly attracted to each other and have every intention of making it work. If you still want to go chasing girls after knowing this, then fine, but there are a lot of other things that you could be doing with much better results.