Do you find love when you stop looking? Why?

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For some of us, "the first opportunity" is essentially guaranteed to be the only opportunity in our whole lives. Of course I wouldn't hesitate to jump at the first opportunity. The problem is I don't think I'll have one.



Only if "just going about your life" involves frequently meeting new people, including potential partners. It doesn't in my case, so, unless I make some effort to change my situation for the specific purpose of meeting potential partners, no opportunity will present itself to me.



This just confirms your situation, and probably that of most women, is by no means comparable to that of the likes of me. Of course you don't need to worry. For me, going on a date, even if it were just once, would be a nigh on impossible feat, harder than anything else in life, and, needless to say, you can pretty safely bet it'll never happen. I can't afford not to worry---not worrying, I'll just stay isolated and resign for good any minute chance I might otherwise have.

Don't dismiss your experience so easily. You're still young and already have much more experience than many people here, much older than you, do. It takes more than just aging to get experience---you actually have to live the years, not simply let them slip by. I wish I could have half your experience at twice your age. Don't let anyone discourage you from gaining as much as you can.

There are no such guarantees in life except everybody dies, autistic people in general have a lessor chance of running into said opportunities...since there are less of us and unfortunately our society tends to stigmatization people who don't particularly fit in regardless of why. But also that is just my experience....and I am usually the one broken up with, whilst I still want to make it work but obviously can't do that if they break it off.

Also I just go about my life and I don't really meet a ton of people on a regular basis, I have to put some effort into finding any potential relationship as well, and by opportunities presenting themselves I didn't mean you don't have to put any effort into finding them so I guess that's kind of bad wording on my part. But is putting effort into making changes to your situation for the purpose of dating such a bad thing...is there effort you could be putting into that but aren't. I mean usually if one really wants something it does require efforts and making some changes.

But yeah if I go to the bar I can get hit on by drunks twice my age which isn't very appealing...or then there is Okcupid which is really hit and miss so far every guy I've dated from there has broken up with me or it doesn't even get that far. Aside from that I don't really have guys approaching me IRL and most friends/acquaintances I have are only because I spend time with my brother who has friends some of which like me enough to be friends as well.

I mean I cannot fix your situation unfortunately....so not sure what good raging at me for attempting to date and potentially form a relationship is supposed to do. I mean I did not post this to compare myself to anyone...just based on my experience when I am stressing over finding a relationship it usually does not end up going too well if I do find an opportunity and entirely jump in too quick. Why stay isolated just because another person here has been on dates later leading to being broken up with multiple times? I certainly did not suggest you should do that.

No I don't believe this is a good idea, if you stop paying attention then you'll probably never find it

Some things are guaranteed in the same sense that you're essentially guaranteed not to win the lottery twice. Winning once is unlikely enough. Merely getting a date isn't comparable to winning the lottery for you, but it is for me. I can't afford to approach it the same way you do. Actually, when I feel a bit more desperate than usual, I think I'd happily give up my life if I could, in exchange for it, go on a date just once. Even knowing in advance I won't have sex. Even if my date would just cruelly make fun of me and then start making out in front of me with some worked-out, tough guy who could beat me to a pulp, and forget me. Noöne wants me even for that. Of course, this is useless, because I can't offer anyone anything simply by dying.



When people "just go about their lives", they go about very different lives. Some have opportunities; some don't. There's a huge difference between "not really meeting a ton of people" and not meeting any at all, ever, for years and years. At least, not any people you go out with or who otherwise help you meet other people so you can expand your circle.



According to the premise of this thread, it is a bad thing, because that effort would be a way of looking for love. What people here say is you shouldn't look for it, so, in my case, it means I should just happily stay isolated, waiting for a miracle, the same miracle I've been waiting for since I was a teenager, which obviously will never happen.



I'm not raging at you. Disagreeing with ideas isn't attacking the people who hold them.



And my "experience" is I've never gotten a single opportunity, so, if, after so many years, one were to show up tomorrow, I wouldn't forgive myself for the rest of my life if I didn't immediately jump in it before it's gone. It'd be more than foolish to expect such a rare and unlikely event to repeat itself. As you see, what is cautious behavior for you, for me is simply a luxury I couldn't afford in a million years.



My whole point is that "not looking for love" is absolutely horrible advice for someone isolated, who doesn't get dates or relationships---not just good ones, but any at all. Of course, this is the typical and expected situation of socially awkward males.

For all I know, it may be good advice for females.

It is quite possible to win the lottery more than once, of course you may not win a large amount more than once or even once....but usually if one scratches enough tickets they're going to get a few winners.

And I suppose I cannot see how one could literally not meet anyone whatsoever for years and years unless they've never left the house...I mean unless you're an agoraphobic perhaps going out in public would make more opportunities likely, then again as I said I don't have much luck hanging out in public so you might not either.

Also i was not suggesting people should not look for love, more that getting careless due to impatience can sometimes bite you i the a**, and by not jumping in I don't mean not to pursue the relationship...more like actually evaluate and maybe not jump into intimacy so early at least i don't think I should jump into that so early, maybe others have different outcomes to that.

Some people aren't built for love at all and therefore looking or not looking will have no influence.

And how and when are you supposed to decide you're one of those?

That question is above my pay grade, you'll need to talk to management.

the hardest part for me, is how to be assertive and take action with women and avoid coming across as needy, desperate.

Sometimes you can help it…sometimes you can't. Every time you focus on getting to know the other person better and communicate that you believe she is more interesting than you are, you'll win. The only tricky part is not all women are exactly alike. It's a moving target. But human nature never changes. People tend to only think about themselves and are attracted to that which makes them feel special. It's the Golden Rule. Use it and succeed. You'll never appear "needy" or "desperate" when you do that.

Some women (or men) will just want to see someone approaching them as needy and desperate, no matter what. It's an ego thing. It's not always easy to predict, but when you can spot that type of person, it saves a lot of trouble to just avoid them.

Second update: The relationship was alright while it lasted, but it ended absolute sh*t.

Only lasted 12 days...

I already knew before getting into this relationship this girl has had a hard life and been stepped on in the past, and already knew she has a hard time trusting males and dislikes them, but I accepted all this.

It turns out it wasn't me, but her.

I am the greatest boyfriend she has ever had. But I made her realize she isn't ready for a relationship. She is busy with her life, she doesn't need a boyfriend in her life but her mother to be a part of her life, and she had lost her feelings for me.

This was all new to the both of us - my first relationship, and her first good relationship.

Me and Sarah, the girl we are both friends with and the one my ex-girlfriend trusts with all her secrets, thought I might have been something different.

Sarah and I thought I might be the one to show my ex that there really are good guys out there.

We both didn't expect this to happen.

Got dumped Wednesday, still recovering.

I've now also fallen into a deep depression, not just because of the breakup but also am feeling isolated from others and once again feeling very lonely in life and lacking in friends (I also felt like this when I was with my girlfriend, because I know a relationship doesn't solve all your problems but at least then I had someone to spend time with), and finally when I needed a friend the most Sarah told me she needed a break (not just because of me but a lot of friends coming at her for help/advice and it was overwhelming - Sarah is usually the advice/help type friend but she couldn't handle everyone's issues at once she has told me).

I have learned a lot from this experience though. A lot of new emotions to me and also actually learned what I actually act like in a relationship. I was always confident that I was ready for a relationship and, yes, this confirmed it for me.

So yeah...Wednesday was awful, Thursday was just sucy, yesterday was absolute worst day of my year, possibly life even.

Anyway, I haven't read all the more recent messages on this forum, but will do so now and reply to some of them.

Just wanted to say, it seems i am almost always attracted to females that are 'hard to get'. I don't even mean females who play 'hard to get' on purpose - I mean all the girls I end up attracted to are actually difficult to get to know and date.

This year I have liked a bisexual female unsure if she was still attracted to males, a girl with a hard life and a lot of drama (if a girl has long-term problems in her life I can deal with that, but this girl was also having a lot of short-term drama, as in when I had a crush on her she was going through a lot at the time, and it was a bad time for me to get involved), and finally my ex-girlfriend was the same thing - hard life.

Not actually going to completely disagree with this. However, I do find offense with how harsh you are being considering this is an asperger's forum.

Last year i had a...a bit of a reputation. I didn't pursue too many females, but the ones I did were talked about.

It was a very gossipy kind of school where word of anything spread fast. Some females i ended up behaving inappropriately and possibly accidentally slightly creepy towards, not on purpose but due to being aspie obviously.

I look back in embarrasment and absolute anger towards how I was last year. I'd beat the sh*t out of my past self last year if I could. Not just because of purusing so many females but other things as well (poor fitness/out of shape/poor diet, blissfully ignorant lifestyle, etc.)

Thing is I moved to a new school this year, a better one and have a much better reputation and more well-liked now because i learned from past mistakes.

Most successful year Love and dating wise, (well every category really, friendships and studies as well).

But yes you have a point.

Do I suck at the game? No, it worked at least once with my 3 dates with one girl at the beginning of the year.

I always tried to bend the rules of the game, not play it. Now I really am just giving up on it because there's no point to it really.

Last edited by Outrider on 28 Aug 2015, 10:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Agreed. And she has said she wants to only be 'just friends' yet still has to remind me every 2 sentences we are 'just friends'. All I can think is: What do you think I'm TRYING to do??/ When talking to her normally.

I will try to be just friends with her, as in I would actually like to be friends with her and am mostly over her now anyway (I know it's a short amount of time but I am DONE dealing with this person. The relationship was alright for me but the entire time she didn't really express her feelings at all and I had to question a lot if she even felt the same, there was alcways a lack of communication because if I ever tried to talk to her she would brush me off and ignore me, and we both had to communicate through Sarah. Sarah was the one that gave me the news I was going to be dumped because she lost her feelings for me in the first place, because my ex couldn't even say it to my face. And when I confronted my ex over it, she said it in an inconsiderate way that she only wanted to be friends. Like not caring about how it might make me feel).

So yeah I actually would like to still be friends with her but I am done putting up with her cr*p and now there is less of a commitment so if she doesn't straighten up and start treating me a bit better I want nothing to do with this person.

Passive-Aggressive person who can't make up their mind, never wants to discuss the relationship (while we were dating, only wanted to change the subject everytime I mentioned it), etc.

When I say the relationship was 'alright' I do really mean that, alright for me because I am a tolerant guy that can deal with a lot. I wasn't used or abused because she genuinely liked me back, but the way it ended pisses me off.

And sorry to everyone for making so many posts. I am just too lazy to edit everything into one post so I just have separate posts.

Most people don't get social lives handed to them on a silver platter -- they have to make a bit of an effort, particularly if they're no longer in school. They accept or extend a lunch invitation towards a new colleague. Join a rec league softball team or sign up for a knitting class.

If they find themselves not meeting anybody to date, or anybody to introduce them to people to date, they consider the reasonable measures they can take to change that - online dating, a salsa class, letting their sister/best friend/granny set them up on a blind date, undertaking a new activity they are likely to enjoy that puts them in the company of potential new friends/dates.

Unless you live in, like, a town of 76 people 500+ miles from a larger town, "not meeting new people, ever" is something that you are 100% capable of changing. If you're willing to make the effort.