Not good enough

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I feel like this is a thing common amungst a lot of aspies, so I wanted to shed some light on the subject and ask for help. Since first grade I've had this core belief, that I am not good enough. I feel, despite having a degree and having been married and had a child I have not acheived anything of significance in life. I've had nurmerous jobs, but have not been able to keep them for long. When I graduated I felt no joy when getting my diploma, no sence of pride, acheivement. Just an overwhelming sence of loss. Loss of the life I had.

This lack of a sense of acomplishment or pride when thinking back has been lacking since first grade. I no longer know what this feels like or what I should feel when I have acheived something, there's sometimes a sense of relief, but no joy over it what so ever.

Finding motivaton is hard without resorting to some kind of external reward. I try not to compare myself to others, but without it I have no idea of wheter or not my work is good or bad.

I often lie awake at night ridden by anxiety, because I feel like I never measure up. So much so that I have at times been suicidal.

look at the picture I painted below. On an intellectual level I know I should feel some positive emotions, other than being finished with it, but to me I might as well have made a sandwich or somthing equally insignificant.

Is this most likely due to longtherm depression or Aspergers.

I know the core beliefs governing this belief or rather lack of emotional response Is rooted in my parents and teachers lack of support.

I long to feel proud over something, yet have no idea what this means other than being happy about something you have done.
How can I feel pride?
For that matter what does pride feel like?
Is it even possible for me.
What does pride feel like?

Social pressures have developed through millions of years to adjust individual's behaviors to the group "norm."
They developed with the use of Social Rejection.
This means the subtleties of "you are bad" begin very, very early in life. Even pre-memory.

Aspies are notoriously poor at understanding these "communique" but the treatment they receive becomes very clear.
You Are Bad.

Now think of all the synonyms for 'bad' and you may find one that stands out as particularly painful for you.

So somehow one needs to cope with all the erroneous data input, clear that up and then you'll be fine! =)

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