Where am I Going Wrong?

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@SamTheWizer: Sounds like you are/were similar to me. I too am not really aware of my facial expressions. How did you improve?
What's weird about the girls at the pizza place is the laughter... I couldn't tell if it was humor or shy laughing, it sure seemed a lot like humor to me. As in they were laughing AT me.

Hard to say for sure though, definitely won't be going back.

I have never seen a therapist, I cant afford one. Also, Im not sure I believe in therapy... I am of the belief that one should solve their own problems, and if they cant: deal with them.

@The_Face_of_Boo: Actually, my ethnicity is mixed European. Mostly, believe it or not, I am Irish (probably 70-80%). My dad is 100% Irish and he has darker hair, is really tall, and has blue eyes. My mom is all over the place. She is Irish, Scottish, Welsh, Romanian... and thats all we know. She has blonde hair and brown eyes. Likely, my dark hair came from the Romanian bit. Also, when my hair is clean and dry its a lot browner. That photo makes it look a little darker than it is.

So what are you saying, white girls will never find me attractive because my hair is too dark?

@Stargazer43: I do love the outdoors, but my job is so demanding that I never find the time to enjoy them. Not to mention I have AS, so the outside world is a bit scary and I like my comfort zone.

@GiantHockeyFan: Defensive... yeah that describes me pretty well. If you read one of my earlier posts, I was made fun of a lot in school, so I developed a defensive mindset to prevent others from trying to further convince me that I am always wrong and need to change everything about myself. Really, I am mentally aggressive; unfortunately, not physically or socially though. Stubborn, narrow-minded, even block-headed are things I have been called in the past. I take them all as compliments!

I definitely dont see these girls as flawless, but most guys GET MESSAGES when they send out as many as I did. Because I didn't, there is something I did wrong... or Face of Boo is right and girls are wrongly classifying me as an Arab and wont give me the time of day.

@nerdygirl: I knew you meant just the photo, that's what I meant as well. Sorry for the confusion. I wish artsy girls were easier to find. Remember how I said my friends are members of a church, well that church is the majority where I live, and it's definitely not full of artsy people. That's not so bad though because while I am an artist and I love art, Im not really "artsy".

Thanks for the link to your thread!

@Campin_Cat: Ugh #5 and the last one were the only 2 I thought were ugly. Minus the beard, I don't think I look like 5... I hope not. You do raise a good point, I know I am intimidated by good-looking girls. I never really thought of me as intimidating in that way.

Side note, I LOVE tall girls--5' 11'' sounds very attractive. Guys didn't know what they were missing by not asking you out. I don't buy into the whole "little and cute" BS. That should make it easier for me right?

It is my fault for being intimidating, I should take it upon myself approach girls instead of waiting for them. My lack of doing that is why I am at fault.

Probably not going back to the pizza place for awhile, if ever. Need to lay off that stuff anyway or I will get fat again. Hey wait, maybe I should and then get a pair of glasses and do a really dorky comb-over! Maybe that'll reduce the Arab look enough to make girls approach me.

I can safely say I am learning a lot from all your responses. I feel I still have a long way to go however...

The working on anger part is not necessarily going to be easy, and it requires active practicing of keeping awarenessness of your thoughts, and the moment you find/catch yourself even thinking anything that is causing you to feel emotional-anger, you need to basically « Repeat a Mantra » that gives you a calming effect. You could even try : « Please, self, peaceful-thoughts only... » ...over & over & over again until it takes effect.

You have mentioned participating with your friends regarding « Church » activities, but believe it or not, most Churches are really more akin to Clubs that people join, rather than active-practice behind their professed beliefs. For a more « detailed » version of what I had mentioned earlier, regarding self-calming mantras, you could try reading The Star Prayer page at least once or twice or even three times a day, and putting it into active-practice (considering that you are « open » enough to be willing to join your friends in a Church I figure that you will not out-right auto-reject this recommendation either).

The more you actively practice anything, such as forgiveness or push-ups, the easier it becomes to do said things, including forgiveness and/or push-ups (and thus self-containing your anger or other negative-emotions). This is how you condition yourself, just like a true martial artist conditions himself into physical-perfection, similarly, the true peace-seekers also condition themselves into psychological & emotional-perfection (actively practicing for their goals every single day).

P.S.: Nearly forgot to mention that dating is actually NOT a requirement for getting yourself a girl-friend. Need evidence ? Just make a thread on multiple different forums asking if people got together with their S-O's without ever having dated...

While nerdygirl's advice is realistic and good... I think the main reason why you are not getting replies is your looks.


If you are getting 0 matches on Tinder, then it's your looks, probably the girls in your area don't find your type attractive as I explained earlier.

As for Okcupid, it's the looks again, look....I am gonna bust a myth for you: Girls ARE VERY VISUAL - unlike what they themselves tell you, it is a common fallacy they like so love to repeat but it is very far from the truth.

And since they receive tons of messages there, they won't even bother much in reading the profile if they don't like your looks.
So they won't even reach the stage, to check stuff like nerdygirl described.

As a first, you have to improve your looks: Go to Gym, post shirtless beach pic if it's summer....etc, a pic in suit...

Oh, I can relate all too well to that one. All I can suggest is you need to work on lowering that mental block if you plan on getting anywhere. As for not getting replies, if they are as narrow-minded as the girls around here are online, they are doing you a HUGE favour by not responding. Sure it was great that my ex responded and we dated, but she messed me up far more than staying single would have. It bears repeating that online dating is largely a cesspool of superficial, narrow minded people of both genders and you should work on being friendly and approachable in real life above all else.

On a side note, where I live there are WAY too many artsy girls. It almost seems like "weird" is the new normal. You would trip over them in my neighbourhood!

OP, I did an experiment years ago that proves that girls are very visual when it comes to online dating, it's all in this long thread:

viewtopic.php?t=200381



But it's a very long thread with pages of off-topic, I am gonna brief it for you: I went to gym, I have improved my body, and posted a shirtless pic (it was even an indoor pic at first, then changed to a beach pic). This is the most effective way even posted on wrongplanet because, unlike the others, I have provides proofs (screenshots) and not just talk.

Mind you, I didn't get a gf, but I got few sexual encounters and short terms every while ever since - I am not dying for a long term to be honest.

I just have a hobby to prove girls' "common claims of idealism" wrong , one of these common claims is that "we girls don't like shirtless pics of guys" and it is a very very false claim yet they repeat it a lot LOL, even Okcupid stats show otherwise.

I am gonna show you screenshots from the other thread



And this is before and after screenshots:

My okcupid received replies frequency Before the shirtless pic, check for the word "message" in the subject, notice the HUGE date gaps between one new message and another, as you notice most notifications from Okc back then were about new matches - which is an automated process that all okc users receive every while:



My okcupid received replies frequency just After the shirtless pic, check the dates:





I am not longer active on Okc because the girls there are really crazy.

@Ban-Dodger: That is indeed hard... of course I won't auto reject your recommendation. However, after reading a bit of the Star Prayer, I am confused what it all is and how I am supposed to practice it. This is all very new to me.

I tried not dating for 15 years, and girls were non-existent in my life. I don't see how you can get a girl without crossing paths with them.

@The_Face_of_Boo: Even before I posted here, I knew girls were pretty shallow and looks come first. However, I was told I was decent looking and handsome... maybe that's not the case. If that were true I would have gotten messages on Tinder. At the end of the day, the answer is probably that simple--I am just not attractive. It would explain everything.

So shirtless pics are the answer ey? If my current form is as hideous as you say, then I can't see a shirtless pic helping me that much. I am pretty out of shape, but I already have an average/thinner frame. Visually, I wouldn't change a ton unless I went full body-builder.

The things that are seen as ugly/unattractive in that photo are things I can't really change (the hair color, my face, etc.) A shirtless pic wouldn't fix those things.

I don't deny your findings, I actually agree with you for the most part. However, I am willing to bet a photo of you like mine would have gotten you messages without a shirtless pic. Not as many, but I am so unattractive I dont get any!

This is all really depressing and aggravating.

I still haven't figured out facial expressions. I had friends that tried to hook me up with girls in college, and they'd tell me to smile, then tell me my smile was creepy. I guess what I've tried to do is not have any facial expression. I did spend time looking in the mirror practicing facial expressions, imitating things from t.v., etc. I knowingly make certain faces sometimes, but it's an act, and it's something I do only with people with whom I'm comfortable. It might be an act for all people. I'm gonna ask around on that one.

Nope, if you are not athletic it won't fix a thing. Hence why I said you should go to gym.

As for the income thing, it is also major factor like nerdygirl said, here what Okcupid shows:







Haha no, not at all, regular pics of me got me nothing - and with glasses are the worst.

Looks, fitness and money are the three major attraction factors - hence why you see the protagonists in most romance novels and films made for women often are tall, handsome, fit and RICH.

Wow, that graphic is really interesting----there seems to be absolutely no rhyme or reason. An 18 year-old is "good", if he makes 50k, a year----but, NOT if he makes over 100k? The only thing I can figure, is that the 100k salary, is not to be believed?

Likewise, a 50 year-old is good, at 50k----but, NOT at 100k----but, GOOD, at OVER 100k. HA! That's very interesting, to me.

As for women being very visual: I agree.

As for the shirtless pics, I'm one of the rare ones, I guess, in-that-regard..... I think a shirtless pick, is a "cheap easy"----like "sex sells" is, in advertising. That, I'm thinking, is a generational thing, though----back-in-MY-day, that was just, really distasteful; and, I'm pretty "old-school". I'm not saying I wouldn't LOOK----but, I wouldn't send a message, to a shirtless guy----but, again, I'm thinking that's generational, in that someone my age, wouldn't post a shirtless pic (generally speaking, of course----there COULD be exceptions); and, I wouldn't date a guy of the age, who WOULD.

Oh no, It's not really of a generational thing, ask any random single girl (and seeking) of our generation in the street about shirtless pics and they would say the same: "distasteful", "cheap", "show-off" they would say.... and then at night, in their rooms, these same girls would masterbate over seeing shirtless celebs.

In fact, the wildest and the horniest reactions I got came from women of ages closer to your generation.

Most people are double faced, what they claim in public is never the same what they do behind the door.

Yeah. Second this. You may not realize this, but you just basically told anyone with a degree or who is in school (probably most of the people who look at your profile) that they are idiots. And, for those who don't have a degree and share your same point of view, calling people names is a turn off anway. It makes you come across as unkind, which you don't seem to do in your e-mails that you use to contact people. Unless you are drawing the money that Zuckerberg is (and he actually does fund college for students, so even he sees the value of a degree), I'd lose that 'tude tout de suite! Or, at least keep it to yourself for now. BTW. I am an Aspie and I teach at a uni.

My thoughts:

As a woman who has dated on line, I would get a plethora of the "Hey," "Hello," "Hi" contacts with absolutely nothing else. Dudes are players running a numbers game and looking for sex. What do I do with those? Delete. Your message is better. I would definitely check out your profile with that (but honestly, your profile needs some help, as I noted above). Do you know what would make your message even better? If you could make it even more personal. Does she mention a book or movie that you are familiar with? Does she say something unique or funny? You can draw from that and *flirt* a little. Be nice/kind and playful. Do NOT try to tease in a flirty way. I think that would backfire on you. In fact, never tease. Maybe add only one emoticon, a smile or a wink. Keep it short. Maybe five sentences tops, and ask one question. That type of e-mail with an improved profile? Someone will respond. I promise you. (See how that worked?)

Don't mention your education background in your narrative. You can talk about that after a date or two. Delete that whole section. If you want to check "some college," that is absolutely fine. And frankly, I'd recommend considering going back to school and finishing. Finishing what you start shows that you can follow through with commitments that you make to yourself, and that is something that shows strength and is a turn on. Especially if it was challenging for you to do. Seriously. Plus, it will build your confidence. And, hey, you might actually meet someone while you are going. Or find an employer who can pay you a salary. Or both.

I think you would do better if you do not mention Asperger's. Most people don't understand it. Others, who do, might see it as an opportunity to take advantage of you. I speak from experience on that. Learned my lesson the hard way, and I (thought I) knew (and trusted) the person for over a year before I disclosed! Don't be me. I am now in a potentially very bad situation. Anyway, when you mention it in your profile, it would make me think (even as an Aspie myself), what would this relationship entail, exactly? Not because you are an Aspie, but because it makes you sound quick to label yourself with a blanket term that has particular connotations to the general population, and we know that all Aspies are different. Say you are an autodidact instead, if you want. Be specific. While I commend that you want to be honest and upfront, it kind of puts the onus on managing emotions and challenges on the person reading your profile. I don't know if that makes sense. From the get go, it makes you sound needy and that you will require the other person bend to accommodate you. You need to sound confident in your dating profile. The time to disclose that, if you even decide to, is later. Not on line. IMHO.

You design video games. End of story. Do you want to be with a girl who doesn't like video games and respect and support what you do? Nope. I think that is cool, cutting-edge, and creative. Again, be confident. Don't mention that the company has money problems. Don't talk about what they promised you. Also, keep looking for something else that will pay you a salary while you help these people. Please.

OK. Looks and pics. You have some awesome masculine characteristics. Your brow ridges are seriously masculine! I can't help but wonder what you look like without a beard? Are you covering up an equally-masculine jaw line? Also, you aren't going to get a picture that is any good unless you get someone else to take it. If you can pay a professional, great. If you have a friend or relative who will help you, that can also work. Someone who is patient and will take dozens of pics at different angles. Take it outside. Try wearing a shirt with some color. Do you have pictures of you doing things?

Here are my thoughts when scrolling through pictures (they represent mine, not all women's obviously):

Is he hot? Cool... but he is probably a player or has way too many options. Read profile. Probably skip. Who are we kidding? He's a player. Skip.
Does he look unhealthy and/or unkempt? Next profile.
Is he average or above in attractiveness and kind looking? Ok... keep going
Is he posing by a fancy car or motorcycle? Player. Next profile.
Does he have a drink in his hand in more than one photo? Next profile. No drinks or cigarettes? Keep going!
Is he outside doing something extreme? Next profile.
Is he outside playing a sport like soccer? OK
Is he playing golf? (I like golf ok enough, don't get me wrong) I might skip this one. Possibly too much of a guy's guy. It would make me hesitate slightly.
Is he doing something somewhat silly/cute, that is endearing but not ridiculous? OK. I actually fell a little in love with a dad who was having a tea party with his daughter - just from this one picture. One good picture that shows your humanity can do it. Seriously.
Is he traveling to extreme locales? Bragging/player/high maintenance. I actually do this sort of travel, but don't really post it. Next profile.
Are there any women in the picture? Why doesn't he just date her/one of them? Is that his ex? Does he have some sort of harem? Don't any of them want to date him? The answer to that is most probably. SKIP. SKIP. SKIP. SKIP. SKIPITY SKIP. This one guy had probably a dozen different women he was posing with. Friends! Ugh. Skip. It is like saying, I come with these women of an ambiguous nature and go out with them all of the time. I don't need that drama or him confiding in them about us. Nope.

NEWSFLASH: If you have friends who are single women who you do things with, probably one, if not most of them, want to date you. Some of them might even be thinking you are pre-dating/dating but they aren't sure. Or, in the least, they'd probably be willing to set you up with one of their friends.

I also sort newest to oldest and ignore the ones who have profiles that have been up for a long time. Or at least take them with a grain of salt.

I like Evan Marc Katz, Chazz Ellis, and Matthew Hussey, who are dating coaches and they all have videos on YouTube that can help you with dating.