Help with girlfriend?
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15 Aug 2015, 10:44 am
So I got a girlfriend five months ago. She's been my best friend for a few years, so I decided that she would make a good girlfriend. And she's really cool and awesome and whatnot. Like, we even each other out--she's a little bit crazy, outgoing, and extroverted, whereas I'm more reversed, introverted, logical and grounded. I really like her, I have for years, and I know that if I marry someone, it will have to be her, because she's the only person I've ever liked the way I do, and she's taught me so much about humans and NT behavior so it really helps in that respect, too. I mean, really, I love her. I know that. There's just one thing I might need some help with. She's very extroverted and has separation anxiety because she had some dad issues, so if I don't text her at least once a day, she thinks I've forgotten about her. Which I'm okay with, it's just she always texts back, and then I'm expected to text back because of social etiquette. Also, she tends to think I'm lying just because a bunch of people have lied to her in the past. But I don't lie. Lying is just stupid. And I've told her that, but she has a hard time comprehending that. Also, her primary love language is touch, so she touches me a lot. And when I'm not expecting it, and I feel someone touching me, I panic hardcore. It's just I feel everything, it's like the "itchy tag effect." Also she's very extroverted so she wants to do stuff like two to three times a week. Before I started dating her, I would go out with friends two to three times PER YEAR. I just need help explaining this to her in a way that won't hurt her feelings. Also, she needs that feeling of being around people and of being touched, so I need to know how to do that without basically shooting myself in the foot and making myself miserable.
I really do love her, and I'm not going to let her go, so please don't suggest that.
Any help is greatly appreciated, thank you.
15 Aug 2015, 4:14 pm
Oaktheprof wrote:
So I got a girlfriend five months ago. She's been my best friend for a few years, so I decided that she would make a good girlfriend. And she's really cool and awesome and whatnot. Like, we even each other out--she's a little bit crazy, outgoing, and extroverted, whereas I'm more reversed, introverted, logical and grounded. I really like her, I have for years, and I know that if I marry someone, it will have to be her, because she's the only person I've ever liked the way I do, and she's taught me so much about humans and NT behavior so it really helps in that respect, too. I mean, really, I love her. I know that. There's just one thing I might need some help with. She's very extroverted and has separation anxiety because she had some dad issues, so if I don't text her at least once a day, she thinks I've forgotten about her. Which I'm okay with, it's just she always texts back, and then I'm expected to text back because of social etiquette. Also, she tends to think I'm lying just because a bunch of people have lied to her in the past. But I don't lie. Lying is just stupid. And I've told her that, but she has a hard time comprehending that. Also, her primary love language is touch, so she touches me a lot. And when I'm not expecting it, and I feel someone touching me, I panic hardcore. It's just I feel everything, it's like the "itchy tag effect." Also she's very extroverted so she wants to do stuff like two to three times a week. Before I started dating her, I would go out with friends two to three times PER YEAR. I just need help explaining this to her in a way that won't hurt her feelings. Also, she needs that feeling of being around people and of being touched, so I need to know how to do that without basically shooting myself in the foot and making myself miserable.
I really do love her, and I'm not going to let her go, so please don't suggest that.
Any help is greatly appreciated, thank you.
I really do love her, and I'm not going to let her go, so please don't suggest that.
Any help is greatly appreciated, thank you.
She needs to know you're Aspie and learn some things about what Aspies need - private time, telling you she's going to touch you before she does, etc. You also need to learn about the needs of NT females such as emotional needs of small talk, cuddling, etc. Explain about the texting thing and the going out thing - that as an Aspie you need to cut those things down because they exhaust you. It took me a while to understand the text thing because I wanted to talk to my Aspie friend every day, but he said that is too much for him. So we have cut it down and I still get lonely sometimes, but I don't want to drain his energy over small talk especially when he's in school so I call my girlfriends. I would only say to not stay with her if she doesn't want to learn about AS because the communication is going to be difficult and ongoing. Both sides will have to continue to learn about the other. If you get married, this will be even more important as Aspie marriages don't tend to stay together where the woman is NT and this is due to emotional needs not being fulfilled.
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16 Aug 2015, 5:35 pm
jealous. she sounds lovely except the thinking you're lying part.
I'm fine being touched so long as its only the girl I'm romantic with. I just don't like being surprise touched by other people. I have to put in effort to do that, while with women I dated it was just more with the flow.
you just need to talk to her about this stuff I guess.
16 Aug 2015, 5:44 pm
sly279 wrote:
I'm fine being touched so long as its only the girl I'm romantic with. I just don't like being surprise touched by other people.
I am the same way. I also don't like it when people get too close to me (less than a foot away), unless I am attracted to them, or something. There is this guy at work that will get almost right on top of you when he talks to you (some of it might be due to hearing problems, though), and he likes to give random pats on the back...drives me crazy!
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16 Aug 2015, 5:51 pm
You shouldn't have any problem being able to prove that you are completely honest so long as you are completely honest. The communication-thing definitely needs work and you will both need to put forth effort towards the maintenance required of such NT + AS relationships. You should be good otherwise so long as you can give her ample & multiple reasons to be able to like completely put her trust in you.
Just know that NT's seem to have typically grown up & live in a « dog eat dog » type of world where it's basically « must do unto others before they do unto self » rather than the typical AS-ideology which is more like « only do unto others as you would have them do unto you » (yes, I am aware that there are exceptions, but NTs are usually a lot more prone to these Jekyll & Hyde syndromes, but if you can brace yourself & create many positive-memories with her as you give her any kind of attention desired by her, then you should have no problem being able to have her choose to stay loyal to you).
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18 Aug 2015, 9:17 am
sly279 wrote:
jealous. she sounds lovely except the thinking you're lying part.
I'm fine being touched so long as its only the girl I'm romantic with. I just don't like being surprise touched by other people. I have to put in effort to do that, while with women I dated it was just more with the flow.
you just need to talk to her about this stuff I guess.
I'm fine being touched so long as its only the girl I'm romantic with. I just don't like being surprise touched by other people. I have to put in effort to do that, while with women I dated it was just more with the flow.
you just need to talk to her about this stuff I guess.
Yeah, man. She really is amazing. It's just difficult cause I'm used to trusting people. Like I really do love her with everything I got, and I try to how her that everyday, but she's always scared I'll leave her. Also, I'm ok with touch by her, too. It's just stuff like one time she came up behind me and just touched my back really lightly and it freaked me out. But besides stuff like that I'm ok with her touching me so long as it's not unexpected. But yeah, she's awesome. I actually decided yesterday that I'm going to marry her if she's cool with it. She talks about it a lot, so I'm going to propose to her in three years if we're still together which I really hope we are.
She really is a once in a lifetime girl, she's my best friend, we're both always there for each other, and she's really smart! and I've researched what love is, and according to both sociologists and the bible and what I think and feel, I definitely love her. I talked to her about my aspie thing a little bit more yesterday, I think I just have to remind her every so often so she can keep it in mind. It's cool we really balance each other out, like I'm naturally more chill and logical and down to earth whereas she's a bit more outgoing and she has pretty bad anxiety, so I'm trying to teach her how to relax. But yeah I'll definitely talk to her some more.
Sorry for the long rant, I just really love her and like her as a human. She's pretty great. OH AND SHE SMELLS LIKE COCONUTS! I love coconuts! She smells so good!
Ok I'm done now
18 Aug 2015, 4:05 pm
Oaktheprof wrote:
sly279 wrote:
jealous. she sounds lovely except the thinking you're lying part.
I'm fine being touched so long as its only the girl I'm romantic with. I just don't like being surprise touched by other people. I have to put in effort to do that, while with women I dated it was just more with the flow.
you just need to talk to her about this stuff I guess.
I'm fine being touched so long as its only the girl I'm romantic with. I just don't like being surprise touched by other people. I have to put in effort to do that, while with women I dated it was just more with the flow.
you just need to talk to her about this stuff I guess.
Yeah, man. She really is amazing. It's just difficult cause I'm used to trusting people. Like I really do love her with everything I got, and I try to how her that everyday, but she's always scared I'll leave her. Also, I'm ok with touch by her, too. It's just stuff like one time she came up behind me and just touched my back really lightly and it freaked me out. But besides stuff like that I'm ok with her touching me so long as it's not unexpected. But yeah, she's awesome. I actually decided yesterday that I'm going to marry her if she's cool with it. She talks about it a lot, so I'm going to propose to her in three years if we're still together which I really hope we are.
She really is a once in a lifetime girl, she's my best friend, we're both always there for each other, and she's really smart! and I've researched what love is, and according to both sociologists and the bible and what I think and feel, I definitely love her. I talked to her about my aspie thing a little bit more yesterday, I think I just have to remind her every so often so she can keep it in mind. It's cool we really balance each other out, like I'm naturally more chill and logical and down to earth whereas she's a bit more outgoing and she has pretty bad anxiety, so I'm trying to teach her how to relax. But yeah I'll definitely talk to her some more.
Sorry for the long rant, I just really love her and like her as a human. She's pretty great. OH AND SHE SMELLS LIKE COCONUTS! I love coconuts! She smells so good!
Ok I'm done now
thats cool
I think most people would get scared or flinch at a person sneaking behind them and touching them.
yeah I would like that though as I would for a while constantly be scared gf would leave me.
3 years is a long time to wait to propose. she may think you're a commitment phobe long before then and leave.
also if she talks about it alot thats probably her hinting she wants to marry you and soon. I'd wait a year to get married but maybe propose at 6 months but thats just me, but I don't think most women would wait 3 years for proposal and who knows how long to actually get married.
though how old are you? also women will know more about the above, this is just what Ive gathered from women explaining to me and other stuff. I know I wouldn't wait 3 years for a woman to aggee to marry me.
is there reasons why you'd wait 3 years to propose?
I want to socialize but I have anixety that hits me after and makes it hard to do it before hand. idealy I'd meet a sort of outgoing girl who could take me out places but still be ok with staying in most of the time.
Hope it works out with you two.
18 Aug 2015, 4:39 pm
sly279 wrote:
Oaktheprof wrote:
sly279 wrote:
jealous. she sounds lovely except the thinking you're lying part.
I'm fine being touched so long as its only the girl I'm romantic with. I just don't like being surprise touched by other people. I have to put in effort to do that, while with women I dated it was just more with the flow.
you just need to talk to her about this stuff I guess.
I'm fine being touched so long as its only the girl I'm romantic with. I just don't like being surprise touched by other people. I have to put in effort to do that, while with women I dated it was just more with the flow.
you just need to talk to her about this stuff I guess.
Yeah, man. She really is amazing. It's just difficult cause I'm used to trusting people. Like I really do love her with everything I got, and I try to how her that everyday, but she's always scared I'll leave her. Also, I'm ok with touch by her, too. It's just stuff like one time she came up behind me and just touched my back really lightly and it freaked me out. But besides stuff like that I'm ok with her touching me so long as it's not unexpected. But yeah, she's awesome. I actually decided yesterday that I'm going to marry her if she's cool with it. She talks about it a lot, so I'm going to propose to her in three years if we're still together which I really hope we are.
She really is a once in a lifetime girl, she's my best friend, we're both always there for each other, and she's really smart! and I've researched what love is, and according to both sociologists and the bible and what I think and feel, I definitely love her. I talked to her about my aspie thing a little bit more yesterday, I think I just have to remind her every so often so she can keep it in mind. It's cool we really balance each other out, like I'm naturally more chill and logical and down to earth whereas she's a bit more outgoing and she has pretty bad anxiety, so I'm trying to teach her how to relax. But yeah I'll definitely talk to her some more.
Sorry for the long rant, I just really love her and like her as a human. She's pretty great. OH AND SHE SMELLS LIKE COCONUTS! I love coconuts! She smells so good!
Ok I'm done now
thats cool
I think most people would get scared or flinch at a person sneaking behind them and touching them.
yeah I would like that though as I would for a while constantly be scared gf would leave me.
3 years is a long time to wait to propose. she may think you're a commitment phobe long before then and leave.
also if she talks about it alot thats probably her hinting she wants to marry you and soon. I'd wait a year to get married but maybe propose at 6 months but thats just me, but I don't think most women would wait 3 years for proposal and who knows how long to actually get married.
though how old are you? also women will know more about the above, this is just what Ive gathered from women explaining to me and other stuff. I know I wouldn't wait 3 years for a woman to aggee to marry me.
is there reasons why you'd wait 3 years to propose?
I want to socialize but I have anixety that hits me after and makes it hard to do it before hand. idealy I'd meet a sort of outgoing girl who could take me out places but still be ok with staying in most of the time.
Hope it works out with you two.
Yeah, I have really bad social anxiety, so it's really good to have her when I have to go to events cuz she loves talking and stuff. She's ok with staying in and just chilling, but I know she'd rather go out, so that's why that part is hard. We're both only 18, and we both have a lot of stuff we want to do before we get married, so that's why I'm waiting three years. We've been friends for three years, and then I asked her out in April after an April fools joke gone awry. But good. Like we both want to be able to give the best possible lives to our kids and not worry about money, so we're going to wait till I'm a junior in college so by that time, well both have a steady job. Also, we want to make sure we can actually deal with each other for three years before committing the rest of our lives to each other. I mean I know I can, and she knows she can, but we'd both like to see how we handle real life before getting married. She really likes me, though! It's really cool, I've never had someone like me before, and she really does, like when I told her I had the date for when I propose set, (October 12 2018 btw--I didn't tell her the date) her whole face just lit up, cuz she always has a doubt in her mind that I'll leave her, so when she found out I had a date and how I'm going to do it set, I could tell it reassured her. Sorry I keep ranting about her, I just really like her a lot. Also, we've been volunteering for middle school stuff at our church for three years and that's how we met.
But anyway--
We're 18, and we both want to do some stuff before we get married. I just hope she'll be able to wait till then. But yeah I'm starting to get her to trust me more, like she's started opening up a lot, and i think she's starting to understand a little bit more that what I say is what I mean
