A very visual analogy of what it's like

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InThisTogether
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18 Aug 2015, 8:42 pm

My son has transient tic syndrome. This week, he is going through an orientation program for his high school. While he normally does not suppress his tics, he has been doing it because he is in a new environment with people who don't know him and he would rather get to know people a bit before he becomes "the weird kid with the tics." Just as background, he came up with this on his own... no one encouraged him to suppress. He just wants to look like a "normal" kid long enough for people to get to know him. I totally get it, and I support him.

Anyway, when he gets home, his tics are so severe. Like seriously severe. He looks almost like he has Huntington's or something. When I asked him about it, he said that holding them in takes so much of his energy and that his entire body feels weird and when he gets home, he just has to let it all out, or he won't stop feeling weird. He also said that sometimes he is so focused on not ticking that he misses parts of conversations or loses track of what is going on around him.

I think that is what it is like, to varying degrees, for autistics who can "pass." A lot of effort that is physically draining and requires mental bandwidth that is then not available to process other things. And I think it is also why so many kids who hold it together at school come home and breakdown. It just takes so much energy to hold it together all day, and they have to let it all go just to try to regain a sense of inner balance.

Not sure why I am sharing this. I just realized today how his physical plight seems very similar to my daughter's emotional/mental one. I am sure there are many NTs out there who do not realize how hard people who fly under the radar have to work just to fly under the radar. Suppressing their natural responses to things, working out what the "appropriate" thing is to do, constantly self-monitoring to make sure that no "unexpected" behavior pops out... it must be exhausting.


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Fitzi
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18 Aug 2015, 8:58 pm

I can see why that would be so exhausting.

As soon as my kid started trying to hold it together in school, he also started having massive meltdowns daily as soon as I picked him up.



ASDMommyASDKid
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20 Aug 2015, 10:26 am

This makes total sense to me. Thank you for posting this.



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20 Aug 2015, 1:45 pm

I'm sorry for your son--as an aspie myself, I know how hard "passing" as an NT can be. Especially in school, where you're constantly being scrutinized.


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mrscattymarie
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26 Aug 2015, 7:15 am

Thank you for sharing this. My little one has unfortunately described herself as "weird" and so tries to act "normal" at school. During the first couple weeks of school all the stress and anxiety is held in till she gets home. Then it just pours out. You described exactly how it is for her. It's one of the most heartbreaking things about her having Aspergers. Because I don't find her weird. Everyone is different and we love the way she is. But to watch her struggle and watch how much of her repressed emotion pour out each day hurts.



izzeme
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26 Aug 2015, 8:49 am

Being among other kids as school is draining enough even without supressing tics; although i did to the same.

some things he can try is taking semi-frequent 'tic-breaks', where he can go to the toilet and let off some steam there (a tactic which is recommended for aspies of all ages, it also works great at work, for example).

another thing he can try is to develop some less obvious tics. i don't know which he has now, but it is entirely possible to develop new tics in place of older ones (in fact, if he supresses his current tics long enough, new ones will just 'appear' anyway).
he can try twirling pens, doodling on some scrap paper, maybe the typical leg-bounce or anything else he can think of that aren't seen as "weird" but still release energy



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07 Sep 2015, 5:55 pm

This is very interesting and very true. I find myself getting crabby for no reason towards my husband and kids and I never knew why until my husband and I realized it's because of the impending stress (having visitors, going places, etc.)



BuyerBeware
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08 Sep 2015, 10:02 am

That's a bloody good analogy.

It was God's own mercy that, after my day in high school, I had a half-mile hike with full backpack, an hour or so of menial/manual labor, a snack, and some quiet alone time to get my ya-yas out before I had to deal with another human being.

Nowadays, I leave myself some menial/manual alone time before social events, and afterwards crank some music that I like on the stereo in the van and just DRIVE for 15 or 20 minutes after the fact (or if the weather's too bad for driving to be relaxing, I sit on the back steps and smoke a couple cigarettes with a nice cup of chamomile tea and two capsules of powdered kava root).


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Simmian7
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08 Sep 2015, 7:26 pm

I also "hold it in" during the time I'm out in work. And when I come home, my family doesn't understand that i'm exhausted. they are like, "you are 35...i'm in my 50s/60s... you should be going out to get us dinner." and i'm like really, you want me to go back out there?

I've got a local pizza place on speed dial and order from them practically weekly cuz I just can't deal with society anymore.


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Edenthiel
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08 Sep 2015, 9:19 pm

BuyerBeware wrote:
...after my day in high school, I had a half-mile hike with full backpack, an hour or so of menial/manual labor, a snack, and some quiet alone time to get my ya-yas out before I had to deal with another human being.


Hard exercise away from people can really help. Unless it's above 95 degrees F, when I get home from work my daughter and I do a mile long, 400ft rise trail-hike on the hills behind our home (she's already had a snack at that point). By that point in the day, we've both had it with fitting in and the cacophony of the civilized world. I actually could use some solitude & the feel/sound of the wind, but she *really* needs to get out enough words & odd thoughts to fill several CD's.


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