Boyfriend With Asperger's- Please help

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InsomniaGrl
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27 Aug 2015, 4:54 pm

Provided both are polyamory, that's true, but if one is monogamy I don't think you can agree on it like that. Because when the monogamous part is sleeping around this threatens the relationship, which is not the case for polyamorous people.

Besides, I don't see sleeping with people for real and online sexual role-play as the same thing. I wouldn't accept the former, but I'd be ok with the latter.[/quote]

I don't think you can assume it's a poly thing, even if it was he would very likely know the expected parameters of their relationship. Real life sex may be a more extreme example, but is a logical conclusion to being poly. He knows she doesn't really want to have sexual experiences online or off with other guys, but he does with girls, he knows it breaks their relationship agreement, if he truly is poly, then he doesn't want the relationship she wants. Unless he's totally unperceptive then he knew she did not have a poly outlook. It's not really a conflict of outlooks but currently a dismissal of the implied behaviour agreed upon, even if non verbally, from the beginning of getting together.


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InsomniaGrl
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27 Aug 2015, 4:59 pm

Aristophanes wrote:
InsomniaGrl wrote:
He may even doubt the concept of love, it is after all pretty sketchy ground, whole books have bee written just exploring whether or not love exists.


"I love you" is more poetic than "You make my endorphin levels rise." Not as accurate as the second statement, but it feeds a fantasy people have-- in fact that fantasy may actually be what love is: not the chemicals themselves but the fantasy attached to them.


All the best things are made up, apart from a bacon sandwich clamp attached to the wall, so you can nibble bacon sandwich when your having sex. No wait, that's made up too!


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Aristophanes
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27 Aug 2015, 5:33 pm

InsomniaGrl wrote:
All the best things are made up, apart from a bacon sandwich clamp attached to the wall, so you can nibble bacon sandwich when your having sex. No wait, that's made up too!

Thank god!



GodzillaWoman
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27 Aug 2015, 5:56 pm

rdos wrote:
I'll have to disagree with most of what has been posted in the comments here.

I think we have yet another polyamory guy here. He obviously don't think there is anything wrong with sex-chatting with other girls, so this is likely to remain a problem. He doesn't see it as cheating because he is polyamory, and he knows he can love more than one girl at the same time. A fair guess is that he gets upset when the OP doesn't want to do something that he know some other girl might want to do, but he is not allowed that option, and then he gets argumentative. I think this an understandable reaction under those premises. That is not abuse. In fact, I truly cannot understand how an online relationship could ever become abusive.

To me it seems more like ordinary arguments that every healthy relationship will have.


I disagree with the idea that this is polyamory, or at least that it is a healthy, non-relationship-destroying version of it. My wife and I went through a polyamorous phase for a bit--she wanted to see other people, and encouraged me to do the same, although I had no real interest in doing so. We discussed it calmly, I gave her permission to explore, and we set some simple ground rules: no dating without telling the other first, stay safe and healthy, and either of us reserved the right to return us to monogamy. She went out on a couple of dates and decided she'd rather stick to the monogamy. No hard feelings. This guy is agreeing to stop the online sex and then is going back on his word, with plenty of insults and abusive language. That is not an argument with decisions being agreed at. That's just abuse and deceptiveness.

Does it matter that it's strictly online or not? Well, that's really up to the couple involved. For some, it doesn't, but here, it does. The deceptiveness is a matter of concern no matter what, and that can't be excused by his Aspergerness. The defensiveness he is putting out makes me wonder if there is more going on than just some naughty chatrooms. Either they need to agree on something they can live with, stick to it, or move on. Nobody deserves to be hurt.


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beakybird
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27 Aug 2015, 6:38 pm

In my honest opinion, if you are having these issues that hurt you so badly that you cry repeatedly, and you're not even in a fully committed, living together sort of thing, there doesn't appear to be a right future for you guys. You are only 19 and probably inexperienced. It may be time to move on and find someone that doesn't hurt you so badly.

Contrary to some things I read, I think some aspies can be exceptional liars because of the unity between logic and emotion.

Just my opinion, but it seems like you are putting yourself though pain for a dead-end relationship and are too young to do that to me. Im all for commitment, but it has to be mutual and has to be based on real compatibility. Or else it will never work and you will be even more hurt the longer it goes on if eventually it ends.



League_Girl
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27 Aug 2015, 11:48 pm

I don't see anything wrong with chatting with anyone online, men or women but if it's sexual and they are doing cyber sex or sexting, then that is different which is what the OP's boyfriend is doing.


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