Boyfriend With Asperger's- Please help

Post Reply New Topic

I'm at my wits end right now. I love my boyfriend, who has Autism, more specifically Asperger's. I guess I'll explain our relationship.
I'm 19, and he's 22. We are in a online dating relationship, where I live the US and he lives in Canada. He's visited me twice. And we've been dating for around three years. I love him so much, I really do. I'm going to be honest, we do a lot of sexual role playing online. Only with each other though, but awhile back even though I told him that it makes me upset. He has done sexual roleplays with other girls before. I told him that's cheating, and now he says he won't do it anymore. But it took so much convincing and heart ache from my end in order to make him stop. I've forgiven his behavior five times. But when ever I caught him and confronted him the first 3 times, he kept trying to brush it off and tell me it wasn't cheating. Although the last time I caught him, he look very sincere. Almost about to cry when I confronted him about it. I forgave him again because I really do love him. Although there are times he wants me to do things that I don't want to do, and he guilt trips me.
Just today he told me "f**k it" and began guilt tripping me. He's a good person, but when he gets angry, or doesn't get his way he feels like there's nothing wrong by trying to guilt trip me. And I usually try to explain to him why I don't want to do it, and its usually because of something he did in the past that made me distasteful to the subject or unhappy about it. He still feels like he's in the right, and expects me to apologize. I know he doesn't want to think about the past, but the way he acts like it never happened makes me the most upset. I've cried, and felt so much heart ache from those past experiences. But I forgave him because I love him. I adore him so much, he can be such the sweetest man on earth, he can be so gentle and adorable. But when we argue, I feel like I'm dealing with a child......
Just today when we were having an argument, I asked him about how he felt about me. And he told me this "I feel like you don't love me, I feel like you're just using me". Which is just something that breaks my heart.... and before he said that he told me "I know you won't leave me because you love me too much". Which one does he really mean? My heart is so torn up right now... I want to be with him so badly. I love him so much. But then he started saying "A b***h who can't suck it up"..... I did research on people who have Asperger's and will often have a hard time communicating, especially in arguments... but whenever he argues, I feel like all he cares about is his own feelings and never mine.... when he called me a b***h, I just said goodnight and closed the Skype. I even deleted the Skype from my computer. I'm so confused right now. I don't know if I should leave him or keep trying to patient with him. He told me that I don't love him. Even though I've sacrificed so much just to be with him, and forgave him every time... but I feel like bringing that up ends up making the conversation worse and making him more upset. I'm trying to patient, I'm trying to understand his view point but it's just so hard.... Does he even understand the words he's saying to me? How hurtful it is? I'm afraid if we take our relationship further, that he won't realize that those words hurt me... does he know they hurt me? I don't want to break up with him, I love him so much, can someone please help me?

I'm sorry to say this because it sounds like you really do love him, but I don't think (at least from what I've heard) that this sounds like a healthy relationship.

His behavior has nothing to do with having aspergers and can't be excused as such. I've know many people with aspergers, including my best friend. We've been friends for years, and never once has he called me a name or tried to guilt trip. The only thing in your post that even remotely resembles aspergers to me, is that you said he can be childish, which I think can apply to people with aspergers, or autism in general.

However, what really worries me more than the name calling (which is active aggressive) is the underlying manipulation in his behavior (which is passive aggressive). "Guilt tripping" is a form of manipulation. As are saying things like "you don't love me enough" or "you could never leave me". And him trying to make you do things you don't want to do, is a sign or disrespect. These are signs of an abusive relationship.

Unfortunately, no matter how badly you want to, you can't make him change. So you can either stay with him knowing the abuse will continue, or leave him.

You can find someone much better out there, NT or aspie.

Also - you might want to research abusive relationships - so you know what "signs" to watch out for.

He sounds like a selfish jerk to me. I would guess that he knows what he said was hurtful. I don't think he cares about you the way you do for him. I think this might be a clue, "I feel like you don't love me, I feel like you're just using me". We often project our flaws onto other people (he was possibly talking about his subconscious feelings toward you). Another big neon flashing red flag is this one, "...there are times he wants me to do things that I don't want to do, and he guilt trips me." Cut your losses and dump his ass. It is unlikely this pattern will change.

I would ask to talk to him about it in a bold way, and give him an ultimatum. If he is autistic than he will be stubborn and hate change. He will also have a hard time understanding why you feel hurt. We can feel others emotions, but so much so that it hurts and we can't process it. We do however have a hard time understanding the why people feel the way they do. If a friend is hurting we feel their pain, but we sruggle with understanding why they can't just let it go or why their reason behind thier pain matters so much. So be bold and direct and let him know why. It needs to end. It sucks, but it will be better than allowing him to act the way he does. Weather it is out of ignorence to your feeling andd their causes or his desires taking precidence over yours. Be bold. I had a friendship end because I was too clingy and emotionally open. She was bold with me and it helped me so much and it was the right decision on her part, because I did not understand her point of view and if she hadn't said anything I would still be doing it. So let him know how you feel and why your hurt and confused. It will be hard, but it needs to happen or he will continue doing what he is doing.

You want him to validate your feelings and take responsibility for his actions. Some people aren't capable of doing this and it hurts. You've been with him since you were 16 and that makes it even harder and more confusing for you. You love him and you care about him but you need to love and care about yourself too.

You need to learn to set and enforce boundaries. He's cheated on you multiple times, manipulates you and calls you degrading names. You let him do this so it's acceptable behavior in his mind. You do not deserve to be called those names under any circumstances. You do not deserve to be pressured into doing anything you don't want to. You are not a lesser person than him and your feelings do not matter less than his.

TBH, if he feels you are using him, break up with him and if he is calling you slur words, tell him how it makes you feel and you don't like it and if he still doesn't get it, break up with him, you are heading for a abusive relationship. Don't hide behind the label excusing all this.

I'll have to disagree with most of what has been posted in the comments here.

I think we have yet another polyamory guy here. He obviously don't think there is anything wrong with sex-chatting with other girls, so this is likely to remain a problem. He doesn't see it as cheating because he is polyamory, and he knows he can love more than one girl at the same time. A fair guess is that he gets upset when the OP doesn't want to do something that he know some other girl might want to do, but he is not allowed that option, and then he gets argumentative. I think this an understandable reaction under those premises. That is not abuse. In fact, I truly cannot understand how an online relationship could ever become abusive.

To me it seems more like ordinary arguments that every healthy relationship will have.

Or maybe he is being a jerk. Why do you keep seeing polyamorous people everywhere? I think what you say could even devalue the concept of polyamory, the guy was just having sexual role-plays with online people, it's not that they loved each other or something. Some people just like to f*** around, why does it have to be polyamory.

That's simple to answer: The OP needed to convince him it was wrong. Monogamous people don't need to be convinced that sexual role-play with multiple people is wrong. They know that intuitively.

In fact, I'd be fine with a partner having online sexual role-play with other guys. Cannot see any harm with that at all, but then I'm polyamory.

Poly or not, they're incompatible.


And look up relationship abuse, it will tell you the same thing what we said and we saw the signs in the post the OP wrote about her partner.

Agreed. They need to agree on this issue, which I think will be hard given that he doesn't seem to accept her view that it's cheating.

I think for what its worth, he doesn't want to stop chatting to other girls, and its only wrong if you agree to a monogamous type relationship thing, or it is assumed. I'm sure he does know its wrong, and is aware of the upset it causes. He just wants to carry on doing it, and keep his girlfriend, so he plays dumb, or at least brushes it off. It might be different if the OP was doing the same with other guys, or sleeping with other men. In order for it to be poly i think rules and principles would have to be agreed on mutually.
I think that when he says you love him in one breath, and that you don't, and are using him in the next, he may mean he knows you think you love him, but he in fact might think you do not. He may even doubt the concept of love, it is after all pretty sketchy ground, whole books have bee written just exploring whether or not love exists.
Anyway, i wish you the best, it must be very hard, when you see so much that you like in a person. I hope your heartache does not last too long.

Yes, that's what I suspect.



Provided both are polyamory, that's true, but if one is monogamy I don't think you can agree on it like that. Because when the monogamous part is sleeping around this threatens the relationship, which is not the case for polyamorous people.

Besides, I don't see sleeping with people for real and online sexual role-play as the same thing. I wouldn't accept the former, but I'd be ok with the latter.

Or maybe he think it's fine just because there is no physical sex involved. He wants to keep doing it because he likes it and doesn't care about the feeling of his gf, maybe. Such people exist and I believe they might be more than poly people. I really wonder if he would be ok with his gf doing it with other guys.

"I love you" is more poetic than "You make my endorphin levels rise." Not as accurate as the second statement, but it feeds a fantasy people have-- in fact that fantasy may actually be what love is: not the chemicals themselves but the fantasy attached to them.