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One week-end a lady knocked on the door and little Danny answered. She was asking for any donations to give to ill or frail people. Danny said yes, and he emptied out all the food from the fridge and gave the lady 3 boxes full.
"Does your mummy want you to give away all the food like this?" the lady asked.
"It was her idea," Danny replied, "this morning when I asked if I can have something to eat from the fridge, she said 'no, it's for the weak'."

(In case you don't get it, the mother meant the food in the fridge is for the week.)

It's a little known fact that when the Titanic sank that it was also carrying a cargo of mayonnaise imported from Spain meant to be delivered to Mexico. The jars of mayonnaise were expected to arrive there on May 5th, before the tragic event occurred. And that is why, to honor the victims and the loss of a popular sandwich spread, the Mexicans have a holiday every year on May 5 known as Sinko de Mayo.

Mary, Mary, ugly and scary,
How do you get all those men?
I flirt around and sleep about
Again and again and again.

Mary had a little lamb
Little lamb, little lamb
Mary had a little lamb
Her daddy shot it dead.
Now she brings the lamb to school
Lamb to school, lamb to school
Now she brings the lamb to school
Between two bits of bread.

A man who had just got bitten by a rabid dog was quickly writing down a long list of people's names.
His friend told him, "You can be cured of rabies, you don't have to start writing your will."
"It's not a will," the man said, "It's a list of people I hate that I want to bite!"

My ex wife says she still misses me but her aim is gettin' better

Her aim is gettin' better

What's the difference between a comma and a cat?

A comma is a pause at the end of a clause, while a cat has claws at the end of its paws.

A lady was chatting with her next-door neighbor. She said, "I woke up feeling extra good this morning, so I did something generous. I gave fifty dollars to an old bum."
"Fifty dollars!?" Her neighbor exclaimed. Well, what did your husband have to say about that?"
"Not much." the lady replied, "He just said, 'thanks!.'"

Why is six afraid of seven?

Because seven tortured a man to death and hid him in the chest freezer.

Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Like!
Like who?
Like a!
Like a who?
Like a virgin!

What's the opposite of Peewee Herman?
Poowoo Hiswoman!

Q: What's the difference between towels and toilet paper?
A: Well if you don't know, I'm never letting YOU use my bathroom!

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of
Knee-deep Schitt, Inc.

Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and they had 6 children: Holie Schitt, The twins; Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt.

Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they had Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the Happens
brothers in a dual ceremony.

The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse. Bull Schitt left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now, when someone say's you don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them.
- You don't know Jack Schitt
- Yes I do, he's Awe and O. Schitt's son

Person A: "Knock knock"
Person B: "Get off my porch!"

And their dog was Schitt Tzu.