What do Aspies want in relationships?

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Can you elaborate

Yes, I am the Aspie, my wife is completely NT. I know in some areas it sounds backwards, but that is how it is. I guess I never have assumed that something said once stays the same unless it is stated otherwise. One of my therapists did say that after a while, wives in a marriage might only comment on the spouses appearance if it is getting worse.

My wife said that my comments on her appearance and my flirtatious texts do not bother her. She says that she compliments me (and others) in other areas, like for a job well done, things like that. She made that comment today about my thoughtfulness and love towards her. She just doesn't seem to like to tell me I look nice or attractive or anything in that area. I don't know why. I am seeing the therapist that she also sees later today, maybe she will know why.

I am sure my insecure attachment style does contribute to this somewhat. Even though my wife has told me a few times that she will not be the one to end our marriage if it does end, I can never fully believe that. I do always seem to worry about her finding someone she likes better. Recently, though, it doesn't bother me as much because I now believe I could find another girlfriend if something did happen between us.

That is interesting. You might be the first person I have ever "met" who doesn't want to be found attractive. Any reasons for that?

I do think that is an important part of any relationship. I don't think a relationship would last for very long if the people didn't find each other attractive. I tried having a couple of relationships with people who were attracted to me, but who I didn't find attractive. They didn't last very long.

There is no such thing as "completely Aspie" or "completely NT", and what you have said about yourself and wife puts serious doubt about who is most Aspie and NT in the social and relationship area, with her acting like an Aspie and you acting like an NT. I think it is about time that you realize this and start adapting to it.



That's typically Aspie, and the reason you are acting like an NT wanting constant reinforcement. That is kind of disturbing to somebody that is Aspie in this area (your wife).



It doesn't bother me either so much, but I would outright ignore it, so there would be no meaning in doing it.



Right. Which is also Aspie. We "compliment" for what is well done, and not to gain advantages by sweat-talking people.



Honestly, I think you are stuck on this because of your new woman. You want to make up excuses for why she is better than your wife, which really isn't fair. Besides, if all your new woman is good at is complimenting you, I don't think it will last very long. Such relationships disintegrate quickly.

Because I don't want to be judged by how attractive I am, but based on what I do and who I am. Looks have no importance whatsoever to me.

I beg to differ. For me a relationship only lasts a long time if it starts with a crush and a period of obsessing about her. If that doesn't happen, it will be a friendship forever, and not a relationship. I don't obsess about her beauty, but based on what she does and who she is. Attractiveness never enters the picture at all.

RDOS,

So are you saying that you never were concerned about your wife's physical appearance, or that you were at the beginning and then it didn't become important once you were together for a while? I am a little confused because you said that a relationship begins with a crush and obsessing over the other person, but then make it sound like physical attraction doesn't matter at all. maybe those things are not involved in a crush either, but they are for me.

I know it is hard to believe that my wife is an NT based on a couple of her behaviors, but believe me, she is:
1. She is very outgoing and comfortable in social situations
2. She can read non-verbal cues and body language on others
3. She doesn't have the intensity of a "special interest" in any of her hobbies.
4. She doesn't like too much routine, in fact, it bothers her.
5. She has good social skills, good public speaking skills, pretty good interpersonal skills-expect for the compliments she doesn't give me.
6. She doesn't have any sensory issues that I can tell. Her uncomfortableness with too much affection isn't based on sensory things, but as far as I can tell from other issues.

I could mention a few more, but believe me, she is an NT.

I think I need the reinforcement in terms of appearance since I was receiving the opposite message for most of my life. My Dad called me ugly. My sister told me I was ugly. The kids at school called me ugly. Maybe I am just Aspie enough to think that if someone says the opposite once, it doesn't nullify those messages. That is also the first time that I have ever heard that as a symptom of Asperger's-that you think something stays the same after one message unless you hear the opposite. Why would Aspie's not need the reinforcement that NTs do? I would think that Aspies would need it more since we tend to have low self esteem.

I do worry also about what this says in terms of the quality of our marriage. My wife supposedly loves me, and thinks we have a great marriage. She knows this is important to me. It is something that takes 10 seconds and costs no money, but she won't do it. I have taken a few trips recently with her that I really didn't want to go on, and spent money that didn't need to be spent (but we did have it) because I knew it was important to her. I am doing that again in a couple of weeks. It will be interesting to see if she does say anything about my appearance before that trip.

I'm just tired of being a loser around women.

It's because I was born autistic.

Being autistic means you'll never be good with women

I have yet to meet an autistic who can score a beautiful girl.

Most autistics are losers when it comes to women. But I don't wanna be like everybody else.

I want to be better. But I can't...

^By beautiful I somehow get the impression you mean normal.

I can't get any woman.

That's correct. I never was concerned about her physical appearance. She also isn't very attractive by normal standards.



No, attractiveness plays no role in a crush for me. It's all about what a girl does, not what she looks like.



Why it works that way? I have no idea, I just know it does.

I had a couple of different therapists say that compliments might drop off after a while due to the familiarity of the relationship, or things like that. Kind of what you indicate.

My wife is the romantic type in that she likes to go out together, go on walks together, dates, things like that. She will be the one to initial physical affection at times also.

She has even told me that I look nice once a day over the past two days!

Last edited by ProfessorJohn on 10 Oct 2015, 1:05 am, edited 1 time in total.

RDOS,

You are probably a unique individual (not in a bad way) that your crushes are not based at all on physical attractiveness. Social Psychology is not my area in psychology, and probably one of the areas I know the least about in psych, but I would bet that almost every model of relationships or intimacy probably have a physical attraction component built in. That does seem to be important for most people. I wonder how you were able to transcend that. Do you think that Asperger's played any part in it?

Too much to have a chance of getting it; too little to be respected, rather than considered a desperate creep who will take anything coming his way.