Board index › Coping in life › Love and Dating

What do Aspies want in relationships?

Page 2 of 6 [ 84 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6  Next

Previous topic | Next topic

The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 41
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 32,886
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.

07 Oct 2015, 1:14 am

World domination.



Feyokien
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Dec 2014
Age: 29
Gender: Female
Posts: 7,303
Location: The Northern Waste

07 Oct 2015, 1:17 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
World domination.


YES :twisted: Together we could rule this middle earth!

Image



AusWolf
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 7 Apr 2015
Gender: Male
Posts: 168
Location: United Kingdom

07 Oct 2015, 8:19 am

nick007 wrote:
ProfessorJohn wrote:
I guess I am strange, or damaged, or something, in that external goals and projects, and achieving other creative goals really doesn't do it for me. I don't feel like that is a good trade-off at all. Maybe I really don't love my wife or have a mature, enduring love. I do enjoy doing things with her, but I also really enjoy passion, affection, and physical things like that.
I relate to that.

Me too. If being with my girlfriend gives me everything I need, then why should I have other goals? Why are these books telling people how to be happy? I don't think there's only one good way that applies for everyone, because we are all different.

I'm not saying that you shouldn't try to be good at work, or have hobbies. But I don't think that a book should tell you what your primary goals in life must be.



slenkar
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 25 Apr 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,146
Location: here

07 Oct 2015, 11:23 am

Prof
The more you bug someone about 'do you like me' etc. the more they will turn against you.

I think your wife is right, you seem to be relying on her to get over your painful past.

If you stop being needy you might see some good results.



Last edited by slenkar on 07 Oct 2015, 11:38 am, edited 1 time in total.

darkphantomx1
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 1 Feb 2015
Age: 29
Posts: 1,293

07 Oct 2015, 11:34 am

I really have no idea what I want.


I'm pretty much down with anything except for homosexual relationships.

Hookups, friends with benefits, relationships, makes no difference to me. I don't have any experience with women anyways. At this age though, I don't want to be in a relationship with just anybody. Hookups or friends with benefits though, then I will get anyone as long as they're not obese then that's gross.


I'm just tired of being 20 and never having sex, never having a girlfriend. Late teens and early 20s should be a time for experimenting and what the hell am I doing? Sitting in my room all day. Girls woudn't like my short autistic ugly ass self anyways. I got f****d over.



ProfessorJohn
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Jun 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,089
Location: The Room at the end of 2001

07 Oct 2015, 12:32 pm

slenkar wrote:
Prof
The more you bug someone about 'do you like me' etc. the more they will turn against you.

I think your wife is right, you seem to be relying on her to get over your painful past.

If you stop being needy you might see some good results.


You may be right, but I am an Aspie, how will I know these things if people don't tell me? I can't pick it up off of their non-verbal cues because I can't read those. My wife knows this, I have explained it to her. She sent me a text this morning thanking me for being loving and caring to her over something. She just can't seem to compliment me on my looks. She feels uncomfortable doing that. I don't know why. Maybe she no longer finds me attractive and it is too hard to live the lie any longer.



nurseangela
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Nov 2014
Gender: Female
Posts: 8,017
Location: Kansas

07 Oct 2015, 12:37 pm

ProfessorJohn wrote:
slenkar wrote:
Prof
The more you bug someone about 'do you like me' etc. the more they will turn against you.

I think your wife is right, you seem to be relying on her to get over your painful past.

If you stop being needy you might see some good results.


You may be right, but I am an Aspie, how will I know these things if people don't tell me? I can't pick it up off of their non-verbal cues because I can't read those. My wife knows this, I have explained it to her. She sent me a text this morning thanking me for being loving and caring to her over something. She just can't seem to compliment me on my looks. She feels uncomfortable doing that. I don't know why. Maybe she no longer finds me attractive and it is too hard to live the lie any longer.


I read in one of my Aspie books that Aspies don't give compliments. Have you complimented your wife on her looks? Or anything else?


_________________
Me grumpy?
I'm happiness challenged.

Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 83 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 153 of 200 You are very likely neurotypical
Darn, I flunked.


rdos
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Jul 2005
Age: 62
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,089
Location: Sweden

07 Oct 2015, 12:54 pm

ProfessorJohn wrote:
She just can't seem to compliment me on my looks. She feels uncomfortable doing that. I don't know why. Maybe she no longer finds me attractive and it is too hard to live the lie any longer.


Why does it matter? I'd be really uncomfortable if wife started complimenting my looks and tell her to stop right away! 8O

I'm sure your marriage is not built on you two finding each others attractive, because such shallow relationships disintegrate real fast.



slenkar
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 25 Apr 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,146
Location: here

07 Oct 2015, 12:56 pm

Its not about looks anyway,
you say she has complemented you on your looks in the past,
The fact that you need the constant reaffirmation is going to damage the relationship and is something you need to deal with, with a therapist, or some other method that doesn't involve her.



ProfessorJohn
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Jun 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,089
Location: The Room at the end of 2001

07 Oct 2015, 1:01 pm

nurseangela wrote:
I read in one of my Aspie books that Aspies don't give compliments. Have you complimented your wife on her looks? Or anything else?


Yes, I compliment her quite often on her looks. Probably a few times a week. She is an NT so she doesn't have the Aspie thing on not giving compliments. She said my compliments on her looks don't bother her or make her uncomfortable. It just seems that she is uncomfortable commenting on my looks on any regular basis. A couple of weeks ago she did say it looked like I lost weight. That was the best and most recent compliment I got other than the past weekend where she tried some textual flirting and said it wore her out.



ProfessorJohn
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Jun 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,089
Location: The Room at the end of 2001

07 Oct 2015, 1:05 pm

slenkar wrote:
Its not about looks anyway,
you say she has complemented you on your looks in the past,
The fact that you need the constant reaffirmation is going to damage the relationship and is something you need to deal with, with a therapist, or some other method that doesn't involve her.


People change their minds over time. I have a colleague at work who did her dissertation on couples that fell out of love. Some of them stayed married anyways, and I believe that some of the spouses didn't know that their partner no longer loved them. I would assume that the same thing can happen with physical attraction. How am I supposed to know if she still finds me attractive or not if she doesn't tell me? If she says nothing, it kind of leads me to assume that she doesn't. I am not a mind reader, or even a non-verbal cue reader. I generally don't know what another person thinks or feels if they don't tell me-unless it is obvious by their facial expression like they are crying or something like that.



rdos
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Jul 2005
Age: 62
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,089
Location: Sweden

07 Oct 2015, 1:06 pm

slenkar wrote:
The fact that you need the constant reaffirmation is going to damage the relationship and is something you need to deal with, with a therapist, or some other method that doesn't involve her.


Agree. Alternatively, his wife can practice telling him it like a robot (my wife did that for a while with "I like you"). But then it's just like autistic echoalia, which I don't find very meaningful at all. OTOH, if he finds it meaningful he might suggest it to his wife.



ProfessorJohn
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Jun 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,089
Location: The Room at the end of 2001

07 Oct 2015, 1:09 pm

rdos wrote:
ProfessorJohn wrote:
She just can't seem to compliment me on my looks. She feels uncomfortable doing that. I don't know why. Maybe she no longer finds me attractive and it is too hard to live the lie any longer.


Why does it matter? I'd be really uncomfortable if wife started complimenting my looks and tell her to stop right away! 8O

I'm sure your marriage is not built on you two finding each others attractive, because such shallow relationships disintegrate real fast.


I do think that physical attraction is an important part of a relationship, but yes, it has to be built on more thing than that. I friend of mine from grad school died back in June, and in talking to others who I went to school with concerning his death, the service, and what we had done since graduation, 3 different women commented on how they always thought that I was intelligent, good hearted, kind, all that good stuff, but yet none of them were interested in going out with me back then, so something more is needed than those things.



nurseangela
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Nov 2014
Gender: Female
Posts: 8,017
Location: Kansas

07 Oct 2015, 1:10 pm

ProfessorJohn wrote:
nurseangela wrote:
I read in one of my Aspie books that Aspies don't give compliments. Have you complimented your wife on her looks? Or anything else?


Yes, I compliment her quite often on her looks. Probably a few times a week. She is an NT so she doesn't have the Aspie thing on not giving compliments. She said my compliments on her looks don't bother her or make her uncomfortable. It just seems that she is uncomfortable commenting on my looks on any regular basis. A couple of weeks ago she did say it looked like I lost weight. That was the best and most recent compliment I got other than the past weekend where she tried some textual flirting and said it wore her out.


If she was talking about if compliments "don't make her uncomfortable or bother her" (meaning why did the subject come up in the first place) and it wore her out to flirtatiously text, then she's not big on the compliment thing - receiving or giving them. Myself, I think the flirtatious texting is fun - maybe she's Aspie. If you've been married a while, maybe things need to be spiced up a bit.


_________________
Me grumpy?
I'm happiness challenged.

Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 83 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 153 of 200 You are very likely neurotypical
Darn, I flunked.


rdos
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Jul 2005
Age: 62
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,089
Location: Sweden

07 Oct 2015, 1:12 pm

ProfessorJohn wrote:
People change their minds over time. I have a colleague at work who did her dissertation on couples that fell out of love. Some of them stayed married anyways, and I believe that some of the spouses didn't know that their partner no longer loved them.


How did she define love? I think that is the crucial issue as that word is highly ambiguous.

ProfessorJohn wrote:
I would assume that the same thing can happen with physical attraction. How am I supposed to know if she still finds me attractive or not if she doesn't tell me? If she says nothing, it kind of leads me to assume that she doesn't. I am not a mind reader, or even a non-verbal cue reader. I generally don't know what another person thinks or feels if they don't tell me-unless it is obvious by their facial expression like they are crying or something like that.


You are an Aspie right? Aspies assume that if something is said ONCE, then it doesn't need to be said again unless something has changed. You clearly act like an NT here, and your wife like an Aspie.



nurseangela
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Nov 2014
Gender: Female
Posts: 8,017
Location: Kansas

07 Oct 2015, 1:14 pm

ProfessorJohn wrote:
rdos wrote:
ProfessorJohn wrote:
She just can't seem to compliment me on my looks. She feels uncomfortable doing that. I don't know why. Maybe she no longer finds me attractive and it is too hard to live the lie any longer.


Why does it matter? I'd be really uncomfortable if wife started complimenting my looks and tell her to stop right away! 8O

I'm sure your marriage is not built on you two finding each others attractive, because such shallow relationships disintegrate real fast.


I do think that physical attraction is an important part of a relationship, but yes, it has to be built on more thing than that. I friend of mine from grad school died back in June, and in talking to others who I went to school with concerning his death, the service, and what we had done since graduation, 3 different women commented on how they always thought that I was intelligent, good hearted, kind, all that good stuff, but yet none of them were interested in going out with me back then, so something more is needed than those things.


"Intelligent, good hearted and kind" are all friendship material. Nothing physical about you was mentioned which means they still wouldn't be interested in dating you unless they became attracted to your personality.


_________________
Me grumpy?
I'm happiness challenged.

Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 83 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 153 of 200 You are very likely neurotypical
Darn, I flunked.