You can do it! (because you are great!)

Post Reply New Topic

(Quite a long read, but hopefully helpful)

Hello everyone!

I don’t really have a problem or anything like that, I just wanted to tell you a little something. I see that a lot of you have very low self-esteem when it comes to dating and finding love. Some have even given up on the idea of ever being in a happy relationship. That is pretty awful, because being in love is one of the best things there is. If you have given up on the idea because you are simply not interested in a relationship, that’s great, you do you . But this is for all the boys and girls who think that there is no hope for them, or the people who don’t know what to do in their relationship. Hear me out.

I’ve been in a relationship with a loving AS man for quite some time now. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. We have had our struggles. In the beginning, we just didn’t understand each other. We didn’t know how our needs and expectations differed. After the initial everything-is-fantastic-we’re-so-in-love period, these differences became very prominent. For a year or so, we lived from breakup to breakup (about 4/5 in one year). Every time things went okay, we had this feeling in the back of our heads that things would go terrible again. But now we are happy. We respect each other’s needs. We love and we look at the future. We got a f*****g adorable kitten.

Someone told me a story about the differences between an NT person and an AS person, it has really opened my eyes. I hope it will help you as well.

Once upon a time, there were an eagle and a doe who were very much in love. They would laugh and talk from sunrise till sunset. They slept together, played together, and lived quite happily. One day, Eagle wanted to bring Doe a present. So he caught a rabbit and proudly presented it to her. Doe was upset. She didn’t eat meat, how could Eagle not understand that? His present was useless for her. Eagle saw her disappointment and became sad as well. He had put so much effort in thinking of a present and catching the rabbit, why wasn’t Doe happy? They both became very silent and didn’t speak to each other. Doe became lonelier and lonelier. She loved Eagle, but he lived so high up in the mountains, she felt isolated and missed her herd. Eagle didn’t understand Doe either. Why wasn’t it enough to just be together? Why did she want them to go down and do things when they were so at home on the mountain?

You’ll probably understand who Eagle and Doe are. The way AS and NT people think is simply fundamentally different. The basis for a strong relationship lies in knowing and accepting this. This is certainly possible, but it requires a great deal of love and communication. Some tips:

For AS:
Your partner needs affection (kisses, hugs, telling them you love them (don’t assume that ‘knowing’ is enough).
For the love of God, TELL them about your Asperger’s (someone who doesn’t accept that isn’t Mr./Mrs. Right!).
Your partner needs to do stuff together (watching a film, going out for lunch, have a walk or something).
Tell them when you get tired/irritated, tell them why.
Ask them how they feel about things (I sometimes get offended by my bf’s bluntness).

For NT:
Your partner may not always want to kiss/cuddle (this has probably nothing to do with you).
Your partner has a finite amount of energy when it comes to social stuff (and will need to ‘reload’).
Tell them how you feel (because they may not always see it from your face or behaviour).
Don’t assume things (e.g. bluntness does not necessarily mean they are angry).
AS can be the cause of bluntness/rudeness, but it is no excuse (tell them what you like and dislike).

For both:
COMMUNICATE!
Make compromises you’re both happy with.
Don't lose sight of who you are (don't change too much!).

This can seem a bit artificial in the beginning. You’re both doing something that doesn’t come natural and you’ll have to talk when you don’t want to. But this is the only way it will work. You’ll have to show your partner how you think, how you see things (this goes for both AS and NT!). In the end, it will feel liberating and you will come closer together, while respecting the distance you may need.

Be happy with yourself! Don’t you ever think you don’t deserve love! Many people have low self-esteem because they compare themselves to NT people. Don’t do that. You don’t criticise an eagle because he doesn’t eat grass like the deer, or because he doesn’t have antlers, or because he prefers to live alone. You praise him, because of his sharp eyes, his mighty wings, and his independence. You are an eagle. Don’t criticise yourself because you don’t like parties, or because you have trouble connecting to people. You have your own talents and qualities, and that’s what makes you awesome and more than worthy to love and be loved.

Some people on this forum tell others that you shouldn’t tell your partner about your Asperger’s. I strongly encourage you to tell them. Sure, not on the first date, but my bf told me after about two weeks, and I’m so glad he did. It prevents a lot of frustration and sadness if you know why someone does things in a certain way. Telling them proves that you are honest, it gives them the opportunity to understand you. If they decide to break up after you’ve told them, that sucks, but good riddance! If you want to find love, you want to find someone who will accept and understand you. Don’t hide who you are, because you are great!

This was my message to you all. This forum has really helped me in understanding my relationship and AS in general. I hope I have helped you a little bit as well. Please feel free to comment/ask/criticise!

Emma

You're good enough, you're smart enough, and doggone it, people like you!

After all, you are GREAT!

Everything is beautiful, in it's own way!

Well darn it, that's all my troubles solved!

Hooray for optimism and Aspies!