NT dating an UD Aspie and confused by his actions

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There is no such thing as "wasted time". Such things belong in the NT social world, mostly in work, but not in relationships. All that counts is that the balance of positive and negative things, which at least partly is related to expectations that can be changed. Not seeing somebody for weeks is only a negative if you expect to see them regularly.

rdos, I'm going to say my piece in response to you, but after that I'm not going to go around in circles arguing with you about this, because I don't think you will see it the way I see it and "never the twain shall meet." It will all become more of a philosophical round-and-round about what constituted "wasted time" and for whom.

I'm not talking about two happy people who are happy not to see each other for weeks. If they are both happy like that, that's healthy. That's an arrangement.

I'm talking about being in a relationship where one party is not seeing the other for weeks for negative, problematic and even punishing "silent treatment" reasons. That's unhealthy.

This OP is not describing a happy arrangement where they've both agreed not to even be in touch for weeks. She is instead describing that something seems to be going wrong, and even her man has expressed that he is struggling with this relationship. But he won't sit down and talk and work this out, he is pulling a radio silence on her, and not a "happy" pre-arranged one, so she's here agonizing over this person who won't work on this with her.

And of my two examples above, in my case, I'm talking about my own personal experience with the SECOND type of man, and you are NEVER going to disabuse me of what I believe to be my truth with that man, who was emotionally abusive to me. I'm 53, I'm not a kid, I look back and see the sweep, the arch of my life's journey, and there are some things that I believe I now see much more clearly in context that I saw them when I was living through them.

And based on that, I do deeply believe I "wasted my time."

In both real, practical ways, and more hard-to-pin down ways.

There is very much such as thing as "wasted time."

I wasted time, literal time, with a man who was not healthy in his radio silence, never going to work things out with me, when I could have spent that same literal amount of time freeing myself to cut ties with him, call it a day, and be free and open to meeting a different person who DID want to be in the relationship I was looking for.

Fine if someone doesn't want to see me for three weeks for healthy reasons. But HE needs to find a woman who wants that too. I didn't want that too, thus I would be wasting my time still trying to stay in that relationship and struggle with it. I would have spent my "time" better finding the man who wanted the kind of relationship I wanted.

Plus, please note, the man I was involved with wasn't just happy go lucky don't want to see you much for normal reasons -- he was a silent treatment FOR PUNISHMENT guy.

As someone else noted above, that kind of three weeks not seeing each other is the unhealthy kind coming not from a place of agreement and mutual satisfaction, but from a place of sickness, disorder and spite. In MY person's case.

Yes, that was wasted time I shouldn't have put up with.

NOBODY SHOULD PUT UP WITH SOMEONE TREATING THEM BADLY.

Nobody should have to put up with someone maybe NOT treating them badly but wanting a different agenda. That's healthier on their part but STILL not suitable for the party that is looking for a different type of situation. And thus, wasted time

Another way a WOMAN can quite literally waste her time on a man who doesn't want the same kind of relationship she wants -- FERTILITY.

I did LITERALLY waste my fertile years in relationships where the entire thing truly wasn't going to a place where eventually he and I would maybe start a family together, which is something I wanted. Instead of trying to get things to work with a man with whom it would never work, realistically, I flogged a dead horse, dead to my purposes, at least.

I could have been instead making sure I cut my losses and found someone who -- again -- wanted what I wanted.

You can say "more fool you, then, your fault." But that's the problem with being young -- very often you haven't learned enough about life to even realize you're making mistakes and yes, wasting your time.

I wasted my time.

And I'm too old for you to be telling me there's no such thing, because I believe that one of my life lessons I've learned is that THERE IS such a thing.

Don't you dare even TRY to tell me I shouldn't be framing things that way. This is my LIFE and you're not in my shoes. I feel if there's one thing I've learned from getting this far, its that you can indeed waste huge chunks of your time and your energy on things that are just not a FIT for you, but you only get to see that later.

And don't you dare try to push that whole "That' an NT THING" on me.

I'm on the spectrum but that doesn't make me an actual different species from NTs. I'm still human and want some of same things NT find themselves interested in. That also doesn't make me NOT autistic. If that's what you want to imply next.

I seem to remember that you're the one who believes in open relationships and everyone being cool about more loosely goosey lifestyle choices like that.

All of that is good AS LONG AS you make sure you're with people who are on exactly the same page. If two people are not on the same page about something and one of them REFUSES to even talk, hash it out, compromise OR walk away, but instead you both go on struggling with each other, that is WASTED TIME.

You can disagree based on your own point of view and your own life experiences, but this is MY life experience I'm offering, based on what I have learned and what I now look back on and regret, and I'm not about to let someone with nothing in common with me tell me I'm wrong about MY life experience and what I NOW FEEL.

BirdInFlight, we are the same age, in case you haven't noticed.

About how often to see each others, it appears that in this case it mostly seems to be an issue of planning, and he is not deliberately refusing to see her just because he is mean or want to punish her. I can accept a girl refusing to see me if I did something that really upset her, but it should be something that happens rarely. If it is used systematically for punishment it is indeed abuse, and cause to move on.

The only relevant argument you gave for wasted time being an issue for women is fertility. I can agree with that argument, provided a woman actually wants children (and not all neurodiverse women do).

You also described how you should just have "moved on" when things got rough. Too me this doesn't sound one bit healthy, unless you had 100s or more of suitable men to choose from. It sounds just like today's mass-dating in that when you find some small issue with a date, you just go silent on them and ignore them. Personally, I've had about 5 girls in my life that I've had a serious crush on, so if I'd use your method I'd simply run out of suitable partners in no time. Thus, I've been a little more serious and far more flexible than just giving up on a minor issue like "she got angry at me and stayed away a few days". In fact, I "wasted" 3 years on nonverbal flirting in college, and then another 10 additional years when I couldn't get over her. I judge the latter as a slight waste of time, and I wish I knew about polyamory back then, but I never regret any of the obsessing with her. It made me happy at the time so was not a waste of time.

In short, if you are happy it's not a waste of time even if it doesn't lead anywhere. The goal of relationships (at least for me) is to maximize happiness and minimize negative things, and you can usually do a lot about this yourself (everything is not your partners fault).

Besides, as older, I've gotten a completely different view of what is important and what is not. Most of what society think is important (and especially stuff people my age find important) are not a bit important to me.

*sigh*

This is not the kind of relationship that I want or need. I believe that we are spiritually connected. Intuitively, I know he is not doing this because he is angry with me or trying to punish me because we haven't gotten into an argument. We haven't been fighting about anything and we both abhor drama. He retreats to cope and I think I became complacent and so he must think this behavior is okay but it is not. In the past I have told him that I am not a spring chicken and that perhaps I need to find someone else who will be available to me.

We have not spoken in a week, and even a week ago when we did communicate it was very brief. We have not seen each other in a month. This is not okay with me. I recall reading a string of posts by a young woman who started off as friends with an Aspie and became his friend with benefits. He told her that he loved her and then he retracted the sentiments. She wasted so much of her time on a man that clearly was never going to commit to her. I don't ever want to be that kind of fool.

I came here because I wanted advice from other Aspies. I wanted to know if this was typical behavior and if it would ever get better. At this point, it doesn't matter. I know that if I contact him he will respond but I am not going to do that. I have extended myself far too much for him and he knows this. He has said this to me. If he truly thinks that I am worth it and if he has any type of feelings or concern for me after 11 years of friendship and a few months of dating, he will try harder. I am not asking him to become an NT. I fell in love with him for his quirky nature and I am willing to make concessions for him, but I am not willing to destroy myself in the process.

I might add that this is where the turmoil arises. As much as I hate the distance I feel like he needs me. I feel like he is going through some type of depression and I am the only one who reaches out to him. He told me that his parents were the only ones besides me who check on him. It is just hard when things are so one sided. I don't want to walk away, but I don't want to sacrifice my own mental health and well-being.

Yep...you have to do what's best for you.

I am an "autumn chicken," and I try to do what's best for me.

I am there for my wife--but there are times when I feel like I want to be alone. She doesn't understand that concept. She equates "being alone" with being depressed or asocial. She needs people around her at all times.

I hope you two come to an amicable/amiable understanding which involves satisfaction for you both.

kraftiekortie, do you mind if I ask, while you were dating did you ever go days or even more than a week without talking to the woman who ended up becoming your wife? If so, why did you do that and what were your feelings for her at that time?

Nope...that didn't happen--though there are times when I felt the urge to not contact her.

With my wife, my feelings were more akin to friendship than romance. I'm capable of romantic feelings, though.

I was quite content with another women before I met my wife. She allowed me to watch my sports, and didn't bother me. She allowed me to read my books. I never felt the urge to not hang out with her. She was a believer in "live and let live." We used to make love quite often, leading to both of us being satisfied. The only problem: she was so alcoholic that she had hard liquor in the fridge, and drank it in the morning.

I hope this guy comes around and starts contacting you more often. Maybe just "be there" without interfering with his "special interests." He might respond better that way. He might even start making romantic overtures because you don't put pressure on him.

I am so confused. We have been intimate....once. He is very desirous of me. He always tells me how pretty and beautiful I am. I always contact him and he comes back around....I just don't understand why he doesn't put the effort in if he likes me. What is holding him back?

I really wish I could answer your question. I know it's frustrating.

Sometimes...guys are just like that. They want their cake, and they want to eat it, too. I'm not sure if that's the case in your situation, though.

Don't let him take advantage of you. Yes, Aspie or no, he has to put in some work, too. I'm wondering if not presenting it as work--but presenting it as play might do the trick.

My wife is too much into obligation, and not enough into fun. She hates my Aspie ways. Lately, she's been asking me why I cannot be normal.

I wish there were easy solutions.

kraftiekortie, thanks so much for your words. I have found solace in being able to speak with you Aspies. I joke that I just missed the cutoff for falling on the spectrum myself. It is possible that I am just too overwhelming for him so he can only take me in doses. Maybe the feelings are more than he can handle so he loves me from a distance.

I hope that you and your wife are able to find a common ground and rekindle what brought the two of you together.