I now know why I'm uncomfortable with my name

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I've been trying to create an alter ego since I was ten. The first version of her was a stereotypical popular girl. That alter ego didn't work out because I didn't have enough popular girl traits. I did know how to look like a popular girl, but I couldn't act like her.

The next version was a goth girl. That didn't work out because I could find any goth clothes and my hair didn't look goth enough.

The final version is named Sage Green. I had a very hard time choosing a name, but I finally found one that works. She is high energy, independent, extroverted and spontaneous. She also has blue hair. She also has interesting hobbies. I haven't though of all the interesting hobbies she'll have. One of them will be puppet making.

I'be been depressed for a long time, so I don't really know my "real personality". I'm a recluse right now, but I don't know if I'm truly introverted. Same with being adventurous and spontaneous. When I was a kid I was like that, so I'm pretty sure depression is hiding that side of me.

I dyed my hair blue to be more like Sage Green. When I think about Sage Green I get happier and more energetic. Being around family makes me feel distant from Sage Green, so I get depressed.

You are fine Devilkisses.

I mean the way you come across on WP tells us (or me at least) that you do have a nice personality and quite a lot to give.

You are probably right in the sense that your depression is masking who you really are as well.

I had similar experiences to yourself when I was younger. In fact I kind of miss the imaginary world and the alter ego's sometimes.

But it is all about finding yourself and feeling comfortable with who you are.

Happy travelling

I used to do the same thing when I was younger, except I didn't invent my own personalities, I turned into the characters who were my special interests at the time. Between the ages of about ten and twelve, I spent almost two years as Garfield the cat, with his laziness, his cynicism, his love of food, even his stuffed bear Pookie and his rubber chicken Stretch. From about twelve to fourteen or fifteen, I was the Peanuts character Linus Van Pelt, dragging my blue blanket around with me wherever I went, and adopting the slow, oddly intonated speech patterns that were classic of the Peanuts gang. I felt better about myself when I was these characters, like I was a more interesting person because of their personalities. I haven't picked up a new character in a while now, though I do copy Seven of Nine's rigid, formal speech patterns from time to time.

When I was in high school kids were either "greasers" or "collegiates" like in the movie "grease".
For a while I teased my hair up and wore eye liner and thought I was a greaser.
But I was by myself with no friends and didn't know any greasers or collegiates. I didn't know you had to be part of the group.
That might sound sad but I think it is funny.

How do I come across on WP? Apparently I come across as a lazy and boring introvert on okcupid. What made you get rid of your alter egos?

Hi, Sage!

I went through a somewhat different process, likely for different reasons. But, finding your true self can be a slow, irregular process. Alter egos help explore new possibilities. I found I had to let it happen at it's own pace, one little 'tweak' to who I was at a time - someday I may even be finished. Sounds like you are off to a good start!

So, what else can you tell us about Sage? How are the two of you different?

Sage is different because she's not a depressed homebody. She's happy and high energy. She might have a bit of motivation issues, but that's caused more by ADHD and her full and crazy life.

She's independent from her family. She has her own identity. Since I spend all day with my family I feel weighed down by all their crap and plans. I think my family is contributing to my depression.

She's also fun and exciting to be around. People are just excited to spend time with her. She energizes people, so no one becomes boring or disengaged around her. She seems like she's from another world in a good way. She doesn't seen like a Netflix zombie* like her peers do.

Right now I'm pretty shy around people. I'm not sure how I come across to people. I look pretty similar to Sage Green, so I might somewhat come across like her. I just don't seem to energize people. I notice some people seem disengaged around me. Those people drive me crazy. I'm not meeting those people as often anymore. I don't think I come across like a Netflix zombie. I'm trying avoid it.

She's active and not addicted to electronics. She has many interesting hobbies that don't really involve technology. I'm kind of addicted to them because I have nothing better to do and I'm depressed.

She's still a bit like a flat character, but I'm trying to make her seem more like a real person. I'm keeping her a secret from my family. Mainly because she's independent from her family.

I notice I have more energy when I'm playing her. I think I have more energy because she's a high energy girl and my family can't drain energy from her. My mom thinks I have more energy because of my supplements. I think I have more energy because of Sage Green.

* Netflix Zombies are basically girls who wear sweat pants, natural makeup, put their hair in a ponytail or messy bun, they tend to have dirty blonde hair. They are disengaged with life so they're addicted to Netflix and define themselves by watching Netflix, being introverted or fandoms. They're kind of like wannabe aspies, but they're very much NT. Maybe this a good disguise for an Aspie who doesn't want to look subculturey.

Sage sounds like a wonderful role model. Give her time to find her place in this world...

I'm planning to go out on some dates as her. I have to adapt her story a bit so I won't be lying.

I love blue hair.

Ah I don't have a real personality either but I suppose that's a good thing

I happen to like your name, DevilKisses. It's a lovely name.

I am too lazy to find exact page numbers, but as I recall from Robison's book, wanted to be something different is a common Aspie trait. It is for this reason that some Aspies make good actors and actresses (did I actually spell that right first try?).

Not sure what to call it, it wasn't a date. I went to a club with a friend from the college radio station we volunteered at, to see a band, ran into an NT girl from the same station. Went some place together afterwards. After a while I noticed I just couldn't keep up the conversation. Didn't even know what autism was back then. Now I get it.

Or, I would go to parties hosted by the same group, and just noticed I was different than them.

Also skateboarders in college, I was not like them. Good grief those guys could be real morons at times.

My point is, you can pretend or act like you are an NT, but sooner or later, you won't want to keep it up, or just can't.

Just be yourself.

This character isn't about being Aspie or NT. I'm over that black and white thinking. I'm in the borderline area anyways. I'm not really an Aspie and I'm not really NT. This character is mostly a non-depressed version of me. It's hard to know what your "true personality" is when you're depressed. Being my depressed self isn't really being myself, so what's wrong with being a non-depressed persona?

Hi, Sage!

Regarding that last bit: Shadow Syndrome, maybe? Shadow Syndrome = enough aspie traits to a degree intense enough to have the same social issues and other neural atypical traits, but somehow a crucial detail of one, each or some is/are missing for a diagnosis. Practical difference, though...can sometimes be nil.

Regarding Sage Green vs your depressed persona: Maybe to some degree you've actually been living a persona/character carefully crafted over many years to meet other people's needs and gain their affection instead of your own ...and now you've discovered that it's not that great a fit for your true self? You have a nascent life built around that old one. It's familiar, and predictable. Yet ...there are restrictions, and expectations, and adaptations that hurt?

Maybe a recognition of both could help ease the depression? And over time, undo some of what you've built & fit in bits of Sage here and there instead. Ones that make you feel only slightly uncomfortable b/c they are new & go against what you've taught yourself is best based on some no-longer-correct criteria...yet they feel better because they are the real you? Baby steps...you've taken many years to build, it's going to take a while to disassemble and rebuild and test out the new you...

Ok, well I haven't read all of the threads or post that you have made but you do write in a style that I can understand and read easily so I have read one or two.

To me you are (what I would call) a traveler. With that I don't mean travelling to places as such but travelling and searching within yourself in order to find what will inevitably be "the perfect you". The person who you will ultimately be happy being.

I like you DevilKisses and you should also like yourself.

I din't really consciously get rid of my alter egos. I kind of lived an imaginary life with imaginary friends and I was an imaginary person at the centre of it all. It went on for many years and I think I just grew out of it. It's a really long and complex tale that took me down a lot of very wrong and dangerous paths.

Stay safe and be good. You will be fine.