Do you have a red flag list?

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I have met my ex boyfriend's parents and his grandparents and other family during Christmas dinner and that did s**t for me. He was still the way he was. Some narcissists get along with their family fine and other people they work with which is why I didn't think he was bad. I must have forgotten about Disney Villains and Gaston. But his mother was Bipolar and his whole family seemed fine. His mom would have a few episodes here and there. She would just all of a sudden explode and start screaming at her husband. But my ex really loved his family and his grandparents were very supportive of him. Because some abusers get along with their families well, the abused wouldn't even know they are in a abusive relationship because if their partner has so many friends or gets along with their family, then there must not be a problem with their partner and it had to be them. But it seems like some narcissists have switches and they can turn it on anytime they want and turn it off. It comes and goes so it only shows up in relationships but not around anyone else.

Oh well every abuser is different and not all of them are estranged from their families or don't get along well with them. But I wonder if his mother's Bipolar should have been a red flag or how dysfunctional his family life was as a kid because they moved a lot because his parents were poor so they got evicted a lot so that was a bunch of schools he went to. Also how he told me how his mother gave up on him and left it all to the school system to figure him out and how to help him and how his regular father supposedly killed himself and how abusive his step father was because he would pin a dirty diaper to him during potty training to shame him so no one wouldn't want to hold him or want him near them.I think his mom was 15 when she had him or 17. But she was in her 50's when I knew her and she had him when she was in her teens. I wonder if this should have been a red flag?

But my other ex, his relatives didn't want him around. They would have never let him stay with them if both his parents had moved. I guess it can be a red flag if no in their family wants them around or if they can't get along with them. But there are some people who come from dysfunctional families and they are not abusive. But if they refuse to cut them out of their lives, that can be very difficult for the partner who is dating them. Especially if you have a in law who is abusive and is still dominating her child and your partner is too weak to stand up to her and live his own life. Momma's boy I think we call it.





This describes him. But he claimed to be a feminist but he was very hateful. He told he felt feminine though and how he feels he was meant to be a woman and was born in the wrong body. He also hated his body hair so shaved it. I also felt he was controlling even though he said he didn't want to be one and I totally listened to his words and ignored my gut instinct and his actions always contradicted his words. I do believe he intentionally did things to control me and to keep me from getting a job. Looking at my personality and what kind of person I am and how I need support to move forward, he didn't give me any of it so all he had to do was not fix my car and he told me how unsafe it is to take buses because I am naive and men can pick up on it and they can hurt me. He also told me downtown was unsafe. He also knew I had money anxiety and I was saving it to use to look for a job so he would tell me we could always take my car to the shop and have it fixed and he would remind me how much money it would be. That always shut me up and I think that was his attempt to manipulate me to make it look genuine even though he had promised to fix it but whenever I brought it up, he would get defensive and say "We could always call for a tow truck and have it towed to the shop and it would be about (insert cost here) to fix it" and I would be like "no no."

But my parents did tell me to stay in Montana and have my car fixed there but I was so eager to move to be with my ex and he had said he would fix my car and he had told me before I could use his car to find work while he is at home sleeping. That didn't happen. I also had a spare key to his apartment so that made me think he wasn't controlling and he wasn't keeping me from getting a job.

But he didn't last long because once I was with my aunt and uncle he talked to me less. I had become useless for him and I think he was slowing withdrawing and had excuses before he ghosted but yet he agreed that it was better if I live with my aunt and uncle instead when we were moving out of his apartment. These people are so confusing. I don't even understand their motives or what their intentions are. That is what narcissists are. They do strange things.

My mom thinks he wanted my money because I was on SSI but I was only getting $115 a month then because some lady in Missoula didn't put my pay stubs in the computer so I was getting that little money because of it. So I can't see why he would want my money if I was getting very little and I didn't have a job. I do remember he wanted me to spend my other money I had saved and because I wouldn't spend it on entertainment, I didn't manage my money well according to him. I thought you were only supposed to use it for bills and necessities when you are jobless. Not go out to eat or movies and buy stuff you don't even need.

But he might have hated women because he told me lot of men hate women because women can just say to the judge they are being abused or got raped and bam the guy goes to jail and he told me I could tell the judge he beat me and bam he would be in jail. I had no idea then this was projection and this was how he felt and he was saying this was how lot of men feel. My mother could have also been right about this too.

But covert narcissists are so hard to spot until you read about it. Then you realize this is what they were. However, if you read about narcissism, you won't see your partner in it because covert narcissism is a different form so you won't even think your partner is one and you would think they are just normal people and you wouldn't understand why you are so depressed or why you are going crazy or acting the way you are. I find it ironic that my ex said I was playing games but I find out he was the one who was playing. He said he didn't like people playing them but yet he would play them himself.

You can learn a lot for sure by meeting someone's family. It shows you what they come from in life, who they are likely to become in the future if they don't make a real effort to grow beyond it.

I've only had one relationship where I really got to know the guy's family. He lived a few hours away. We had a common interest so went on road trips together, which turned into a fling and then we started visiting each other on weekends. He lived with his mother and brother.

When I first started hanging out with him, he was polite and he seemed like a nice person. Especially in comparison to this one friend of his who was a real jerk. I realize now he would play off of people who were more obvious jerks than he was so he would seem like less of a jerk. But the more time I spent with him, the more the facade dropped. Especially after I spent time around his family, and he treated me more like I was part of his family.

He had grown up seeing his father physically abuse his mother. He talked about what a bad person his father was, and I could tell he sincerely didn't want to be anything like him, and didn't believe that he was. But in reality, he acted like a tyrant. And at times he was really honest about how self-centered he was, how he was out for himself, almost like he was proud of it.

His mother was on disability, and he made it sound like he had to take care of her. But it looked more like it was the other way around. He didn't do anything to take care of the house or the yard. His mother cooked and washed his clothes and he treated her like a maid. He yelled at her to do this, do that. She was passive and subservient, but he was dependent on her. He also bossed his brother around a lot.

He told me how much he liked it that I was different from his mother, that I was more outspoken and assertive. He said he liked to see women be that way. But his behavior said otherwise. He seemed to resent it if I spoke up about anything. He would act hostile about it, or sulk, or get back at me somehow. I felt like he would never admit it, but deep down he really just wanted me to be passive and silent.

More and more he wanted to call the shots on everything. He couldn't boss me like he did his mother and brother. He was more subtle about it. But I noticed the more time I spent with him, the more I was getting passive around him too. It was weird like I couldn't even figure out how it was happening. It just felt easier to agree with him or go along with what he wanted, or just not say anything.

Sometimes he would refuse to speak to anyone for awhile...ten minutes, and hour or two. That's how I noticed he was giving a lot of non-verbal commands that probably went right past me at first. He would just give his brother a certain look, and his brother would jump right up to follow him or do whatever it was he wanted. It was like watching a trained animal follow commands. But worse, I realized it was starting to work on me too.

If I didn't run along and follow them, they would just walk off and leave me behind in a public place or wherever. It was weird because if I wanted to go do something by myself he wouldn't want me to. He would act overly protective like something bad might happen to me. But then if he got mad at me, he would just take off and leave me standing in a parking lot without a thought for my safety or anything.

It got to where I wouldn't go anywhere with him driving anymore, because I knew he wouldn't stop to let me eat or use the bathroom when I needed to. One time when I drove, he gave me the silent treatment and so did his brother. I stopped for breakfast and he just glared at me the whole time I was eating like I was ruining his entire day.

Lots of things like that added up, fast, and I got tired of it. The last time he walked off and left me, I didn't follow. We taking separate cars by then so I didn't have to anymore. That's when I realized how much he had been using that to control things.

I was never going to talk to him again. But we had a common interest, and mutual friends, so every couple of years I would run into him again. Over time we got to be friendly again, he seemed like a nice person again like he did in the beginning, and I wasn't attracted to him anymore like I was before. We were getting along okay. So I thought maybe we could just be friends.

So several years later I took another trip with him and his brother. I got to see all that same behavior again, but this time without the physical attraction influencing how I saw it. It was kind of shocking to see how much crap I had put up with. Moral of the story is, I think the sex made me stupid. lol I guess we all have our weaknesses.

Ironically some abusive people get along with their families really well, BECAUSE they are abusive, because the whole family is really dysfunctional and abusive and they fit right in with that dynamic. And sometimes if there is one who doesn't get along with the rest, it's because they just don't play the same mind games that the others do.

Very interesting. It's weird how adult children will stick around with their abusers probably because they don't know any different. I sometimes wonder if my ex was abused because he believed in shaming and humiliation and I am sure he would be one of those parents to tell anyone how he punished his child or have them stand outside with a sign on them saying what crime they did. Based on how someone acts and thinks how kids should be treated, it makes me wonder if that was how they were raised so they think it's acceptable behavior. He even had a kid sister who was very dysfunctional and her bf was abusive too because they would get in fights in the apartment parking lot when he let them stay with him before he kicked them out according to him. I never got to meet the sister or her kids and boyfriend. I wonder if that was another hint there?

My mom and dad had two renters who were abusive and they would get into fist fights and threaten their four year old son by saying things like they will kick his ass and cuss at him. The mother was raised that way too so she thought it was normal. But yet they were still in contact with their family so my mom evicted them because they were not paying rent but had left a big mess and property damage.

Plus one of my best friends used to get screamed at and got no love from her mother and she would be locked out of her home and also be left alone wandering the block when she was a toddler and I sometimes wonder if she was also abused besides from what I have known from her and from my mother. Makes me wonder if the mother was raised the same way so she thought it was also normal and she was also still in contact with her family because they lived together and the grandparents were just as bad.

it doesn't surprise me anymore when I see any comments online trivializing beatings saying it's normal despite that the victim had welts or bruises. People just don't know any different if they grew up with it so they think it's normal which would be the reason why the abuse cycle continues. But of course those people probably say they turned out fine.

For me, my red flags are those who drink and/or smoke, people against abortion, arrogance, homophobia towards the LGBT community, being pro-guns and owning guns, people I don't find attractive, cheaters, liars, Nazis, criminals, tattoos, shoplifting, as well as animal abusers and people abusers. And people who seems to put me under pressure to do things I'm not ready for. As well as the feeling you have to walk on eggshells and keep your feelings bottled up. As well as people who don't have their real photos out on "Facebook" for everyone to see, including myself, same as people who say they are someone and don't have a "Facebook"- because it makes me think, what if they are NOT who they say they are?

I'd be more concerned about someone with a facebook page than without, since it's all about manufacturing an image that's not even close to reality.

A Facebook means nothing to me. Not everyone social networks and wants to put their life on the internet or risk losing their job because they are afraid they will impulsively post something on it that will cost them their job. And I can understand making everything private in your profile. I am the same way.

Is anyone authentic on fb . I know snooping on a person through social media is a new norm, I don't know what photos can actually confirm though because self promotion is subject to personal bias.

LOL! If he doesn't have FB then it is a red flag, this is new!

Is the question red flags.. Like things to watch for that indicate a potential future abusive relationship, or just personal preferences when dating/how we personally and subjectively judge "relationship-worthy" people in general?

I may not be physically attracted to x..or as a non-smoker may feel more compatible with the same (or vice versa)..but those are completely different from warning signs one should watch for. Several posts seem to be just this - things viewed as negatives in others..not things that should be taken as potential warning signs. So I'm not sure what the intention of the initial question is?

On the facebook note, one can create multiple made-up accounts... As a non-fb person, that one puzzles me. I'm not putting my personal crap out for the public to see..nor am i ever updating my location every minute.
There's a red flag - someone who wants or needs constant location updates. Stalker, major jealousy/possession issues are all potentials there.

Hi 100000fireflies, the initial question is subjective, I asked it to get feedback based on experiences; its a combination of both common red flags (eg controlling) and those based on a self awareness of limitations (eg smoker).

Some people will be suited to interacting with me on a regular basis, others will have temperaments and dispositions best suited to a friend/romantic relationship with another person, everyone seems to have different tolerance levels .

I'm glad you asked!
Here are mine:
1. The person thinks jokes about sexual assault (or other forms of violence) are funny or tries to minimize the seriousness of events in life or on the news that upset you. An example of them trying to invalidate your feelings on issues like this would be something like "get over it", "it's not that bad", "you're being too sensitive", or "the victim/plaintiff is obviously lying." An example of something supportive, non-invalidating they should say instead would be more like "everything's going to be okay", or "is there anything I can do to help you feel better?" Also, if they offer you tissues, a blanket, or your favorite food or hot beverage when you get upset, it's safe to say that they're a good fit for you.
2. They do drugs. (I imagine there's some decent gray area with weed, since some people use it for medical purposes or take it legally in moderation). I'm sure there are awesome people out there who are currently struggling with addiction. They deserve to get the help they need. But ultimately, getting help and recovering should be their number one priority. Dating can come later, after they get clean.
3. They've been known for making past partners or others cry. Not okay. Ever.
4. They hit you or someone else in front of you. Even if it's just one time, get out of that relationship as soon as possible.
5. You can't talk one-on-one without it turning into an argument. While I know some people love to have mini-debates, sometimes you just need to let your guard down and have an actual conversation with someone.
6. This one's more for me, but I think it's pretty helpful. I don't want to date any person who doesn't identify as a feminist. That said, there are people who uphold feminist values but don't call themselves feminists because they feel that the movement gives an unfair amount of credit to able-bodied white women while ignoring or excluding people of color, lgbt+ members, or transgender/non-binary people, etc. from the conversations. But if they shy away from the term for any other reason, it's usually not a good sign.
7. They use derogatory terms. For example, they call women the c-word.
8. Or they treat people differently based on their race, gender, sexuality, job occupation, appearance. For the job occupation one, a good rule to refer to is "if your date is nice to you but mean to your waiter, then they're not worth your time." (or something like that).
9. They make mean comments about your weight, your body, or how you dress.
10. They belittle your interests.
11. They're mean to your friends and family (or flirt with them. yuck)

I'm sure I'll think of more in the near future.

These are my red flags. I would not particularly like to date a girl if:

1. She's racist, sexist or transphobic etc. (if she were homophobic I'd have no chance with her anyway lol)
2. She ever tells me she cheated on a former partner.
3. She doesn't respect my privacy
4. She doesn't respect my interests
5. She doesn't respect my family or friends
6. She backstabs people she acts as friends around - can't guarantee if she won't say anything like that about me.
7. She gets jealous and makes me feel bad for being around other friends
8. She's clingy
9. She takes drugs and/or drinks heavily (tobacco smoking is not ideal but that alone is not a red flag)

Well this is a trip down memory lane... just re read the thread. Some good advise from old and new posters.
^
^^ Are your lists based on personal experiences too?

Mainly vibes, their mannerisms and tones.

This is a really weird example, but people generally move in for a kiss, but this person subtly grabbed my chin and turned it towards him. Not enough for people to outwardly notice that it was problematic, but at that moment I knew he was a dickhead.

Sure enough.....